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Abstract

v2/resize:fit:800/0*Q6xnGSLI112q-hZj"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@cajugos?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Caju Gomes</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure>So apparently to vie for this A+ standard of motherhood we need to:<ul><li>Be everywhere</li><li>Do anything — and everything</li><li>Sacrifice it all</li></ul>This is a tall order and a bold-faced lie. By accepting this as true, we fall victim to an unrealistic ideal. We put ourselves on a treadmill that’s always at the highest speed. We burn out, not able to show up for ourselves, and ultimately, our kids.We strive to be this kind of A+ mom because it validates us. It gives us social proof.Success here means that I’m finally good enough — not just as a mom, but as a person.Success here means that I’m finally seen; no longer invisible. Because by seeing my child, you see me.Success here means that I can finally have a voice and can now be heard. Because by listening to my child’s accomplishments, I start to hear the whisper of my own unspoken dreams.To validate ourselves, we drown out our doubts with reassuring “momtras.”I may not be the best wife — but I’m a damn good mom. I may not be the best employee, but I’m a damn good mom. I may be struggling financially, but I’m a damn good mom.When the noise of our natural imperfections becomes deafening, we soothe our souls by reminding ourselves that despite our issues, we must be doing something right, for we have earned the coveted “damn good mom” award.We tell ourselves that our kids:<ul><li>Are happy because of us</li><li>Are smart because of us</li><li>Are successful because of us</li></ul>We ignore the little voice that reminds us to take alone time, to call and check in on our parents, to spend time with the friend who just lost her job.Striving to be that definition of the A+mom becomes our north star, guiding us on the outside while quieting our individual passions on the inside.<h1 id="9377">How to tell if you’re striving to be an “A+” mom</h1>Not everyone is striving to be this definition of an A+ mom, but way too many of us are. It’s not our fault. The people who we admire the most have pointed us towards this path. Some of us are highly conscious of this striving, while for others it’s an unconscious walk.For those of us who may be in the gray, here are a few telltale signs that you’re striving to be this kind of A+ mom.<figure id="1fc5"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*7IRqOKWYfMpJp1UK"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@bellefoto?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Alex Pasarelu</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure>Be Everywhere<ul><li>You refuse to take the training wheels off your eight-year old’s bike because he may fall and you may not be able to catch him on time.</li><li>You won’t allow your child to ride on the school bus so you take him to school yourself and arrive late to work every day</li></ul>Do Anything — and Everything<ul><li>You call your child’s friend and scold him for being mean to your child during math class today because no one gets to be mean to your kid as long as you’re around.</li><li>You do most of your child’s homework because it’s really not fair for him to have to struggle with it by himself</li></ul>Sacrifice Everything<ul><li>You miss girl’s night out for the fourth month in a row because you can’t stand the thought of b

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eing away from your child for a night</li><li>You give up exercise because you need to take your child to soccer practice most evenings</li></ul>In this version of A+ parenting:You anticipate your child’s needs while neglecting your own.You fight your child’s fights, uninspired to face your own.You live your child’s dreams while giving up on your own.<h1 id="05f4">The B-Mom: Criteria and Attraction</h1>For the B- mom there’s no wallowing in shame, no outrage at being called a bad mom, no self-pity or sorrow.There’s no attempt to be everywhere, do everything, or sacrifice it all.Instead, there’s growth without striving. Reflection without shame. Love without loss of identity.For the B- mom there’s an acceptance of self, complete with all of our imperfections. There’s an acknowledgment of the fact that perfection in parenting is a demoralizing goal, often outmaneuvered by the satisfaction of progress.For the B- mom,Be everywhere becomes, be where it matters, when it matters.Do anything and everything becomes, do the best you can, whenever you can.Sacrifice it all becomes, make the right sacrifices, for the right reasons, at the right time.You may be a B- mom if:<ul><li>You skip soccer practice so that you can get some exercise</li><li>You forget to check your child’s homework so that you can catch up on sleep</li><li>You postpone the sleepover at your house so that you can participate in your monthly ladies' night.</li></ul>ClosingMany of us are taught to strive for perfection in all that we do. We want to be exceptional professionals, exceptional wives, and exceptional moms. However, when our exceptionality is so wrapped up in the expectations of others, we forget to be exceptional for ourselves.We forget who we are, what we believe, and who we want to become. Our identities have become so intertwined with that of our bosses, colleagues, spouses, and kids that we forget how to sing our own songs and dream our own dreams.We step on the treadmill of perfection and start to confuse perfect with satisfied, perfect with content, perfect with fulfilled.<figure id="93ae"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*CpM5VdBAZMLYsxIJ"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@kikekiks?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">kike vega</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure>The B- mom boldly steps off the treadmill.She recognizes that the greatest gift that she can give to her child, is the gift of showing up for herself. She understands her role in teaching and modeling empathy, through balanced examples of giving and receiving.She recognizes that guiding and supporting her child in a balanced way will equip him with greater coping skills. She understands that some struggles must be his own and that falling fast and often only strengthens his ability to keep getting back up.How we parent is a mix of personal, familial, generational, and societal. And like all things interpersonal, there’s no one right way. This is my greatest reminder to myself as a parent.Ultimately the way in which we treat ourselves and the values that we model are what we hope to be most enduring as our children enter adulthood, irrespective of what our “grade” may be along the way.Here’s to the lessons of the past, the mistakes in the present, and the promise of a successful future for our adult kids, be it because of us, or in spite of us.</article></body>

ON PARENTING

Why I’m a B- Mom

The benefits of being a not so perfect mom

Photo by The Creative Exchange on Unsplash

Name-calling is never OK. But it happens. Women in particular get called all sorts of names. For the sake of propriety, I’ll forego the examples.

You just had a horrible interaction with someone you love.

Your blood pressure is boiling. Your body is refusing to do anything that you want it to do. Words are obnoxiously forcing themselves out of your mouth.

I hate you

You’re disgusting

You get on my nerves!

A deluge of insults pours out like vomit. Sh*t. You can’t take it back.

You fear that the relationship is over. Yet somehow you pick up the pieces. You apologize. You restore the connection. You find a way to move on.

The Ultimate Sin

Time passes and one day you’re arguing again. You get angry. You slip up. The insults return with a vengeance; knocking you off your feet in its vigor.

You’re an idiot

You’re such a loser

And then out of nowhere, this comes out. Words that you should never, ever, under any circumstance allow to come out of your mouth,

YOU’RE A HORRIBLE MOM!

Oh. my. goodness. Even your irrational “you must be out of your mind” brain knows that you’ve done crossed the line now.

Your mind is racing; searching for a way to take it back. Maybe you can fix it, just like you did last time.

But for some reason this time is different. No apology is good enough. No cry, plea, or supplication cracks the shell.

This time you have committed the ultimate sin. A sin for which the only possible recourse is hell on earth and eternal damnation. After all, only evil creatures from an alternate universe would ever be so cruel as to call someone a horrible mom.

The A+ Mom: Criteria and Attraction

Women lose their sh*t over being called a bad mom. It’s the permanent ending of a relationship; a dagger to the heart, a crushing of the soul.

But why is this? Why is that that women can be called almost anything except a bad mom? What about our society has us socially conditioned to believe that a specific definition of an A+ mom is the highest and best standard? What price are we willing to pay to earn and maintain this grade?

Maybe we struggle because we are constantly bombarded with mom as superhuman quotes like the following:

“God could not be everywhere, therefore he made mothers -Jewish Proverb”

“I know how to do anything — I’m a mom.” — Roseanne Barr

“Mom — One who sacrifices her body, sleep, social life, spending money, eating hot meals, peeing alone, patience, memory, energy, and sanity for love.” — Unknown

So apparently to vie for this A+ standard of motherhood we need to:

Be everywhere
Do anything — and everything
Sacrifice it all

This is a tall order and a bold-faced lie. By accepting this as true, we fall victim to an unrealistic ideal. We put ourselves on a treadmill that’s always at the highest speed. We burn out, not able to show up for ourselves, and ultimately, our kids.

We strive to be this kind of A+ mom because it validates us. It gives us social proof.

Success here means that I’m finally good enough — not just as a mom, but as a person.

Success here means that I’m finally seen; no longer invisible. Because by seeing my child, you see me.

Success here means that I can finally have a voice and can now be heard. Because by listening to my child’s accomplishments, I start to hear the whisper of my own unspoken dreams.

To validate ourselves, we drown out our doubts with reassuring “momtras.”

I may not be the best wife — but I’m a damn good mom. I may not be the best employee, but I’m a damn good mom. I may be struggling financially, but I’m a damn good mom.

When the noise of our natural imperfections becomes deafening, we soothe our souls by reminding ourselves that despite our issues, we must be doing something right, for we have earned the coveted “damn good mom” award.

We tell ourselves that our kids:

Are happy because of us
Are smart because of us
Are successful because of us

We ignore the little voice that reminds us to take alone time, to call and check in on our parents, to spend time with the friend who just lost her job.

Striving to be that definition of the A+mom becomes our north star, guiding us on the outside while quieting our individual passions on the inside.

How to tell if you’re striving to be an “A+” mom

Not everyone is striving to be this definition of an A+ mom, but way too many of us are. It’s not our fault. The people who we admire the most have pointed us towards this path. Some of us are highly conscious of this striving, while for others it’s an unconscious walk.

For those of us who may be in the gray, here are a few telltale signs that you’re striving to be this kind of A+ mom.

Be Everywhere

You refuse to take the training wheels off your eight-year old’s bike because he may fall and you may not be able to catch him on time.
You won’t allow your child to ride on the school bus so you take him to school yourself and arrive late to work every day

Do Anything — and Everything

You call your child’s friend and scold him for being mean to your child during math class today because no one gets to be mean to your kid as long as you’re around.
You do most of your child’s homework because it’s really not fair for him to have to struggle with it by himself

Sacrifice Everything

You miss girl’s night out for the fourth month in a row because you can’t stand the thought of being away from your child for a night
You give up exercise because you need to take your child to soccer practice most evenings

In this version of A+ parenting:

You anticipate your child’s needs while neglecting your own.

You fight your child’s fights, uninspired to face your own.

You live your child’s dreams while giving up on your own.

The B-Mom: Criteria and Attraction

For the B- mom there’s no wallowing in shame, no outrage at being called a bad mom, no self-pity or sorrow.

There’s no attempt to be everywhere, do everything, or sacrifice it all.

Instead, there’s growth without striving. Reflection without shame. Love without loss of identity.

For the B- mom there’s an acceptance of self, complete with all of our imperfections. There’s an acknowledgment of the fact that perfection in parenting is a demoralizing goal, often outmaneuvered by the satisfaction of progress.

For the B- mom,

Be everywhere becomes, be where it matters, when it matters.

Do anything and everything becomes, do the best you can, whenever you can.

Sacrifice it all becomes, make the right sacrifices, for the right reasons, at the right time.

You may be a B- mom if:

You skip soccer practice so that you can get some exercise
You forget to check your child’s homework so that you can catch up on sleep
You postpone the sleepover at your house so that you can participate in your monthly ladies' night.

Closing

Many of us are taught to strive for perfection in all that we do. We want to be exceptional professionals, exceptional wives, and exceptional moms. However, when our exceptionality is so wrapped up in the expectations of others, we forget to be exceptional for ourselves.

We forget who we are, what we believe, and who we want to become. Our identities have become so intertwined with that of our bosses, colleagues, spouses, and kids that we forget how to sing our own songs and dream our own dreams.

We step on the treadmill of perfection and start to confuse perfect with satisfied, perfect with content, perfect with fulfilled.

The B- mom boldly steps off the treadmill.

She recognizes that the greatest gift that she can give to her child, is the gift of showing up for herself. She understands her role in teaching and modeling empathy, through balanced examples of giving and receiving.

She recognizes that guiding and supporting her child in a balanced way will equip him with greater coping skills. She understands that some struggles must be his own and that falling fast and often only strengthens his ability to keep getting back up.

How we parent is a mix of personal, familial, generational, and societal. And like all things interpersonal, there’s no one right way. This is my greatest reminder to myself as a parent.

Ultimately the way in which we treat ourselves and the values that we model are what we hope to be most enduring as our children enter adulthood, irrespective of what our “grade” may be along the way.

Here’s to the lessons of the past, the mistakes in the present, and the promise of a successful future for our adult kids, be it because of us, or in spite of us.