On Matters of Four Platonic Friends Living Together
Finding love in this new age
…babble on about software, feel no shame. In some near future, oh, how the ladies will lust for your talk of coding and digital currency. Talk dirty to me indeed!"
“Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that we are alone and with no other prospects to look forward to.” A deep and optimistic voice rang out.
“Yes, yes.” The other two sang while tapping their fingers on the control pads held religiously in their hands, playing a video game on the big flat screen TV while sitting contentedly on the floor.
“Gentlemen, we’ve been spurred on by luck’s unlucky hand, but we must not be soured.”
“Yes, yes.”
“Gentlemen, for the time being, we must satisfy ourselves with our friendship and lie in wait.”
“Yes, yes.”
“Although it may be hard, although we may become subject to weariness, depression, and distrust as we wade through the eternally still waters of purgatory, we must not lose faith, gentlemen. We must not lose faith.”
“Yes, yes.”
“It is up to us to create men worthy of a woman and to squash this infernal lust that has plagued many of our brothers in arms. The fight does not end once the conquest has been made. Oh no. The fight continues until our bitter last. That final breath as a salute to the world for having borne witness to our love of a woman and our fidelity to our task.”
“Yes, yes. Yes, yes.”
“Gentlemen, it is unacceptable that we live in a world where a man does not have a woman. Yet that is the dreary situation that we have here before us.”
“Yes, yes.”
“Those such as you and me have been the few unable to secure a successful union, but that does not mean that we are not successes.”
“YES, YES.”
“Gentlemen, we like our matched brothers, bleed and defecate. As young ones we were the pimpled rangers with bifocals over our eyes and books populating our satchels. We were the awkward footed boys who weren’t asked to the dance nor knew alcohol until our first work dinners years later. We knew not the pleasures of flesh. We had not held a woman’s hand. Those soft, textured things that warm you and exhilarate you. Women were not forthcoming to our advances and so we strolled along life alone, our hands untouched and subject to the cruel weather that afflicts naked hands. But I say, we can disarm them and erase that hostility towards men such as us.”
“Yes, yes.”
“I know what you’re thinking. How could I place myself in your ranks? Me, the delectable piece you see in front of you now. A strong debonair with both the wit and physical build to make you understand that life’s not fair. How? Alas, I was not always this perfect. There was an unfortunate period where I, like you, was subject to society’s scorn. Women turned their noses at me. My love life was non-existent. I was but a lonely man without a woman, and I was sad.”
A toilet flush could be heard, then two more flushes within seconds of each other. Lazy footsteps are heard. A door is opened. A rumbling voice is heard calling out: “Where’s the plunger, guys? The toilet’s blocked again.”
Silence.
“Someone has to know where the damn toilet plunger is.” Ken asked, a little annoyed. The two men on the floor didn’t take their eyes off the screen, whereas Paul, the MC speaking to an inattentive audience, crossed his arms, miffed. He had been wearing the same terry cloth robe and yellow rubber slippers for the past month as he stood in the center of their tiny apartment, speaking up whenever someone forgot and made eye contact with him.
“It isn’t beside the toilet?” John, one of the men sitting on the ground with a console gripped in his hands called back while still looking at the TV screen intently.
“What? A toilet plunger being placed next to the toilet. Geez, I hadn’t thought of that.” Ken, the rambler, leant against the bathroom door, leaning his head out by a fraction so he couldn’t catch a whiff of the star instigator of their present conversation.
“Gentlemen, I was in the middle of something.”
“Finish later, Paul. You’re most likely going to still be talking in your sleep, whereas no one’s entering this bathroom until something is taken care of, if you know what I mean. By that I mean poop, Paul. Poop. Lots of it and a stupid toilet that won’t flush.”
“We live in a house where the rules of civility apply, Ken. Please comply with a kind tone of voice and a please and thank you before and after your sentences. And if you can, please refrain from talk of your excrement. I didn’t think I needed to clarify that to any of you.”
“Yes, yes.” The men playing games said, distracted.
“Sorry, my bad. I didn’t realize that being in my forties and living with three other guys came with such baggage. Now, unless you guys want to get real intimate with me as we mop my ‘feces’ from the floor, someone find that plunger.”
“Stop fighting, mum and dad! When you fight, I feel frowny face.” Rick, the other man on the floor playing games, stood up while snickering. He moved around Paul’s long, slender, and serious body, and moved to their kitchen. He stuck his hand under their sink and produced a plunger, his mouth screwed up and nose scrunched as he moved towards the bathroom with it.
“Quick Rick, I’m starting to smell it. Quick.” John groaned, with the arm holding the control pad held up to cover his nose.
Rick quickly shuffled to a meter away from the bathroom door, extended his hand and body to Ken, holding his breath and trying not to fall or let the plunger drop. Ken swiped the plunger with an annoyed grunt and slammed the bathroom door shut. Rick sighed and ran to the TV quickly, grabbing his controller and switching back to the game in a fluid motion.
“Gentlemen, as I was saying before that rude and rather crass interruption, fine specimen of men such as we are stand a greater chance of finding reproductive mates that equal our talents in another time period. Which time period this may be, I do not know. We are men far above the mould. In time it will be revealed that we were the models for future men. Aha! Perhaps that is it! Perhaps, we, gentlemen, are the jocks and bad boys of the future.”
“Yes, yes.” John and Rick hi-fived after Rick shot one of their last opponents in the game, meaning they could move on to the next level.
“Our time is coming, gentlemen. Our time is coming. Prepare yourselves for an onslaught of women at every corner of the web. They will flood your inboxes and send lewd pictures to your Drives. You will no longer be picked last as in the peacock wars of the past. Your plumage is your mind. Your mental prowess and technical knowledge shall be your abdominals and dancing pectorals. John, Rick, continue moving your hands deftly on those controllers. Mobilize your strengths. Hone your skills for a greater vision. The future, gentlemen, begins now as you obliterate those space monsters on the screen. Pulverise them! Show no mercy! And babble on about software, feel no shame. In some near future, oh, how the ladies will lust for your talk of coding and digital currency. Talk dirty to me indeed!”
“Can someone shut him up.” Ken called from the bathroom. Slight plunging sounds followed by annoyed grunts could be heard.
“Be quiet, naysayer. Gentlemen, computer nerds are the future! Mothers, prepare your daughters, these boys have thrown out their flashdisks and turned into men. We will know women, my friends, and the world will be ours.”
A flush could be heard, accompanied by Ken’s cheer at the accomplishment.