On Learning How to Be Comfortable with My Body

I was always the fat friend in the circle of friends I’ve had in the various stages of my life.

In primary school, I was the “skinny chubby” friend; thin limbs with a chubby body and face. Secondary school was the stage where we all started developing rather quickly so around this time, I had gotten chubby everywhere on my body; from my chest, to my hips, to my thighs and unfortunately *sigh* my arms. It wasn’t until university came around, that I’d become the heaviest I’ve ever been. By then, after spending most of my life hiding my body underneath sweaters and XL tee-shirts, I had built the confidence to show my arms in public and it felt good but I still didn’t feel comfortable with my body.

However, during my first semester of university in 2016, I fell under another bout of MDS (Myelodysplastic Syndrome) which is (a group of cancers in which immature blood cells in the bone marrow do not mature and therefore do not become healthy blood cells) (the first bout was at the age of 10) and I was forced to drop out of university.

I haven’t been back since.

With MDS, when it gets really bad, I can’t eat anything because with the lack of blood in my body, my heart is going to start working overtime to send whatever blood it can to my stomach for digestion to take place which results in my chest paining me so badly, you’d swear I’m getting stabbed rapidly and continuously for what feels like forever.

The self-loathing Antoria inside me left like this was all worth it though, because after three (3) months of sleepless nights, excruciating pain, long-winding crying spells and thoughts of suicide, I lost exactly 54 pounds in 2017. In three months. And of course I’m going to show you some photos of the before and after stages for emphasis.

I felt more confident. I wanted to go out more, to make new friends, to upload more pictures on Instagram and the whole shabang. And I did. I did everything that my self-esteem prevented me from doing. I felt brand new. I felt invincible. It felt good to shed the fat, as well as the whole identity of being the “fat friend” in my group.

I started my first ever “real” job at a call centre coming towards the end of 2017. I was making a sufficient amount of money and that made me feel as though I had reached the pinnacle of true happiness. A slim body + A steady job = Happiness… Right?

But as you’d expect, I found something new to hate about myself. My boobs had gotten smaller, my butt was now smaller in size (these are my pride and joy by the way) and everything fit me too loosely. I had also gotten diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) in July 2017, so the low self-esteem coupled with the depression and anxiety took a major toll on me. So, I started putting back on the weight.

And when I started creeping back towards the 180s, I started hating myself all over again. I hated myself for allowing myself to get back to this state. I hated myself for hating myself. I looked back on all the old photos I took of myself when I was smaller in size and wished deeply for another MDS bout to hit me. I prayed… To get sick again.

How sick.

Common sense kicked in a while afterwards and I thank God the universe didn’t act up on my request. I think, however, the thing that really made me check up on my relationship with myself was when I finally, after 5 years, decided to leave a toxic and manipulative relationship with an ex-best friend of mine. After years of putting this person before me, loving this person with all my heart and not having that same love reciprocated, giving every last drop of my emotional support to them to have them turn around and tell me that “I’ve done nothing for them”, I decided that enough was enough. Things didn’t end on a good note (obviously) but I felt like a huge burden had been lifted off of me. I was still heavy, because of my weight, but the real heaviness was the one on my soul. I had years of self-love to make up for, and I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but it had to be done.

I started off small.

I removed all the clothes in my dresser that didn’t add any pizzazz to my life. I started changing the language I use with myself; no more self-deprecating. I focused on myself and my craft more and I started appreciating the ones around me, the ones that supported me and loved me no matter what. Every morning now, I dance in the mirror naked and I embrace every roll, every mark and every curve. Mind you, I do want to lose weight. I do want a healthier body than what I have now. But I know that I’ll never achieve that if I hate the body I have now. I’ll be losing weight for all the wrong reasons. I want to embrace what I have now, so I can embrace what is to come and not hate any of it. This is the only body I get while on this Earth, why waste time by hating it? And on top of that, I got my tits and ass back. Should I not be overjoyed?!

For anyone going through a hard time with loving themselves, listen. I still have bad self-esteem days. I still have days where everything doesn’t fit right so I wanna stay home, days where I don’t want people to see me… Days where I just wanna give up. This road to self-love is NOT easy. But it is so possible… Take small steps. You’re going to get there. You’re going to make it. I believe in you.