ESSAY | SELF-IMPROVEMENT

On Honoring My Feelings

While searching for happiness

For me, 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢’s weekend prompt is two-fold — Honoring how I want to feel and Honoring how I feel. The former is in the title and the latter is further down in her post. Did she mean for us to think of these as one? Or did she coyly create two separated prompts in one? No matter, I recognized the differences which lead me to contemplate my answers for an entire day. That’s a good thing, by the way.

How can I honor how I want to feel?

The only feeling I want to feel is happiness. And yet, I still do not know how to define happiness for myself. When people have asked me if I am happy, I’ve always replied that I don’t know. When psychiatrists and therapists have asked me what makes me happy, I’ve said the same thing — I don’t know. I can ramble off things that I enjoy as hobbies or events that have brought me temporary joy, but are these truly the definition of happiness? I don’t know. Trying to define my happiness is more elusive than defining God, in my humble opinion.

So for me, the way I can honor how I want to feel is to continue searching for my own personal definition of happiness. Perhaps I will find it some day. Or perhaps I am not supposed to understand it in this lifetime. I honestly don’t know.

How can I honor how I feel?

I can go through a myriad of emotions in any given day. My feelings can range from neutral, to joyful, to dismal and all points in between. I used to harvest the sad, mournful, melancholy and dismal feelings while disallowing any joyful ones from lingering. For some unknown reason, I didn’t think I deserved joy, which is why it is probably difficult for me to define happiness.

After decades of therapy and practicing mindfulness, I now know the importance of recognizing all of my feelings. However, I also know that while each of my feelings is as important as a heart beat, I also know that some feelings are not essential to sustaining my life. So while I recognize all of my feelings, those that do not serve me well and uplift my soul do not get to linger and be served tea. I recognize them and then let them go. Those feelings that do serve me well and uplift my soul, I try to hold on to them as long as I can until another emotion floods through me.

And so, I honor how I feel by allowing myself to do just that — feel. And then I let go of any negative or sad feelings and embrace positive and uplifting ones.

© 2020 Lori Carlson. All Rights Reserved.

For 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 𝘊.’s 19th-20th December 2020 Weekend prompt

Lori Carlson writes Poetry, Fiction, Articles, Creative Non-Fiction and Personal Essays. Most of her topics are centered around Relationships, Spirituality, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Nature, Loss, Death, and the LGBTQ+ community. Check out her personal Medium blog here.