On Gaslighting: “It’s Not What They Say, It’s How They Say It”

(Part 2) How the crazy things they say affect you

On Gaslighting: “I Never Said That”

(Part 1) Recognising and understanding gaslighting

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The effect of gaslighting is cognitive dissonance — the disconnect between what you believe, feel, and do. It’s an intense feeling of confusion and despair that will eventually wear you down.

They achieve this by making you ask yourself three simple questions every time they distort historical events or make accusations:

Is it probable?
Is it likely?
Is it realistic?

If you were present when it happened, there is a probability that you could have done it. If Tom is right and Hannah has been clumsy before, it is also likely she could have done it. Finally, he hasn’t described a highly unrealistic scenario (like accusing her of murder or being able to fly), so it’s also realistic.

When we experience cognitive dissonance, we will try to correct this uncomfortable feeling in several different ways:

Justification: You will justify their behaviour and your commitment to them. If you love them a little more, maybe they will treat you better. You may even find yourself defending their behaviour, especially around others, and give ‘valid’ reasons for why they do and say so many horrible things.

Denial: It’s so, so easy to suppress these conversations and everything they do. It’s too difficult for the mind to process (the cognitive dissonance is too uncomfortable), so denial is the only way to cope with it.

Minimisation: It wasn’t that bad. They only said… they only did… Minimisation is the ultimate form of denial and rationalisation. It’s not like they hit you or called you names, so it can’t be abuse, right? It’s easy to fall into this trap of minimising emotional abuse because it doesn’t leave any physical marks.

Defensiveness/reactional abuse: You defend their behaviour and feel ashamed by raising your voice. Remember Gabby Petito? She took the blame for her reaction to his abuse (when the responsibility was always with him as the abuser).

Rationalisation: You believe, deep down, that they love you because they tell you this— so why would they want to cause us any harm? You may blame their behaviour on stress, childhood abuse, or mental health.

But you know that something is very wrong, yet can’t explain it, not even to yourself. You may find yourself telling people, ‘it’s not what he/she says, it’s how they say it’.

All of these methods will have little to no effect long term. You will feel the impact of gaslighting on your mental health unless you take steps to prevent it.

What you should do to protect your mental health

If you have read part 1 and have come to the realisation that you are in an intimate relationship (whether that’s family or romantic) with an abuser, there is only one thing to do:

Get out of the relationship, immediately.

These manipulators are dangerous to your mental health and potentially your physical health. Whether it is learned behaviour or a sign of psychopathy or narcissism, the world is too overpopulated to waste time hoping to change them. You won’t ever be able to change them.

But what do you do if you have to interact with them? What if it’s a parent, sibling, or ex-partner you share custody with? How do you protect yourself?

Here are ten ways I protect myself against the gaslighter in my life:

Do not believe a word that comes out of their mouth — ever They are pathological liars. If you treat everything they say as a distorted version of the truth, you’re far less likely to fall for their tricks and suffer the emotional consequences.
Accept that their behaviour is pathological Nothing you say or do will change them. They are incapable or unwilling to change. Even if you had evidence of a lie they told, they will never accept the proof.
Rebuild your self-esteem See a therapist, read stories from other survivors, work on rebuilding your sense of self-worth.
Trust your own memory, not theirs Despite what the manipulator claim, there is nothing wrong with your memory. Whatever they accuse you of is something they are probably guilty of (projection) or meant to distract from what they have done (deflection).
Set firm boundaries Establish what kind of interaction you are willing to have with the manipulator and what will happen if they overstep (which they will). For example, if they cannot answer a simple question, make it clear that you will not continue the conversation.
Do not engage in arguments There is no point arguing with a manipulator because all you will get is bruxism and a splitting headache. Every time they derail the conversation, bring it back on topic or walk away.
Don’t explain or justify yourself You don’t need their validation or acceptance for anything you do. They are looking for an emotional reaction, an outburst to justify their mistreatment (reactive abuse). Don’t give them anything (‘grey rock’ method). Make yourself as boring as possible by keeping your answers short and on topic, ignoring their ‘crazy-making’.
Keep records of what they do Keep text messages, emails, write in a journal and save any kind of evidence of their behaviour. Not only can you use it as evidence of controlling and coercive behaviour, but it can be helpful to refer back to if you start to doubt your memory.
Trust your gut feeling Your gut feeling can be destroyed by cognitive dissonance. When you get this back, don’t disregard it. If your gut tells you that they are up to something, listen to it.
Take time away from them Even limited contact with manipulators will have an impact on your mental health. Remember to reach out to your support system and have periods of no contact.

Dealing with a gaslighter is one of the most emotionally draining things you will ever do. Educating yourself about why they do and say these things and learning to set boundaries to protect yourself is the only solution if you have to deal with them.