On Forgiveness

Exploring the Power and Process of Forgiveness

There is only forgiveness, if there is any, where there is the unforgivable — Jaques Derrida

Humans do terrible things to each other, and the most tragic part of it is usually not the act itself, but the remembrance of the act which can rob us of our future and become narratives in our lives. Traumatic experiences of the past go on to become the gravediggers of the present. While exploring the concept of forgiveness to set myself free from my own trauma, I realised that finding forgiveness begins with making a distinction between forgiving the person and forgiving the act. While forgiving can sometimes hold the key to moving on, it can also be detrimental to your mental health if forced. In this post, I want to explore the benefits forgiveness can have in your personal development, as well as the impact religion has had on humanity’s forgiveness of one another.

Forgiving the Person > Forgiving the Act

The process of forgiveness begins with separating the person from their actions. This is a difficult balance to sustain, but there is a freedom to find in forgiving the individual/s who have committed wrongdoings, while still condemning their actions; we can recognise the humanity in others and forgive them by refusing to let someone’s past actions stop time and freeze you in that moment, while simultaneously retaining the moral ability to recognise their actions as something that should never have been done.

The reality is: that we want to forgive others, even when they have performed the most monstrous and inhumane acts. This is because we recognise that while our actions are the fruit of our character, much of our character has been predetermined by factors outside of our control.

Forgiving the act is harder, and sometimes impossible. Some acts can, and should, never be forgiven due to the monstrosity of the outcomes. If all acts were forgivable, then society’s moral construct would crumble and the barrier between good and evil would collapse. It’s important to maintain this societal standard for us to live in harmony with each other.

Our mistakes don’t define us, it’s what we do after our mistakes that make all the difference.

While the act of forgiving holds an almost mystical power in the process of moving on from a traumatic event, forcing forgiveness can be morally destructive and even impossible to do. Forgiveness should be a natural process where the victim recognises the humanity in the offender, releases any negative emotions towards them to break the cycle of hurt, and can move forward with their life without feeling impacted by the offender or their actions.

We often place pressure on victims to forgive their offenders to move on, however, there is an unspoken power in deciding to never forgive someone or their actions. When someone has impacted the course of your life to such a high degree, there is power in continuing to protect your boundaries and standing strong in your condemnation of them and their actions. Because, ultimately, when the offender takes no accountability, let alone recognition of the consequences of their actions, your forgiveness is meaningless.

Religion and Forgiveness

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” — Matthew 6:14–15

Whether you agree with the teachings of religion or not, what we can appreciate from the teachings of Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Islam, and Christianity) are their teachings of forgiveness. I do believe that if these religions didn’t exist, then society would practise revenge over forgiveness on a larger scale. However, the concept I have always struggled to grasp is the idea that we must forgive others' sins to be forgiven for our own. I agree with the idea that if you decide not to forgive others or their actions, then you must be prepared to not be forgiven yourself (on a human-to-human level). But my question is; if it is humanly possible to forgive every inhumane act of others, then what purpose does God have in our lives?

I have found something quite powerful in the belief that, while I am strong enough to forgive others by recognizing the humanity in them, it’s not my responsibility to forgive them for their actions, and surrender that responsibility into the hands of a higher power (if there is one) takes the burden of carrying the pain someone has caused me to feel out of my own hands.

The Secret is Forgiving Yourself

The true power of forgiveness is not the strength you have to forgive others, but the strength you hold to be able to forgive yourself through the practice of radical self-acceptance. Radical self-acceptance begins when you accept that much of your character has been formed due to external factors outside of your control, and while your perspectives and past behaviors may not all be your fault, how you decide to personally progress is in your power.

Forgiveness does not change the past but it does change the future.

For many months after my traumatic incident, I wished I could turn back to clock to have done something differently, “I wish I had said something in the moment, I wish I had just run off, I wish I had never gone to that bar that night…”. After being stuck in this repetitive loop that ultimately kept me stuck at that moment, I realized that wishing I could go back to do something different was only taking responsibility for their actions that night. Taking responsibility for their actions meant blaming myself and believing that I deserved to experience what happened that night.

The journey from trauma to healing often involves grappling with a profound sense of regret and the haunting refrain of “what ifs”. The desire to rewrite the past can consume us, trapping us in a cycle of self-blame and anguish. While forgiveness does not erase the past, it redeems the future, allowing us to reclaim our power and rewrite the narrative of our lives. As we extend forgiveness to others, we also extend it to ourselves, recognizing that our worthiness is not contingent upon perfection, but rather on our willingness to embrace our flaws and imperfections with grace and understanding.