On Finding Yourself Again
The past is dead, and there’s no use in reviving it. Focus on the now, and what lays before you.
Years ago, when I was enduring my most spine-chilling, heart-aching breakup and trying to stay sane, I had a dream — a nightmare of a sort.
The whole experience was so distinct that I could almost touch it upon waking up, but more importantly, it held a sweet little lesson — one we should all keep at the forefront when going through a crisis, be that a breakup as in my case or other adversities like a death of a loved one or an end of our career.
As I opened my eyes, I found myself lying in the middle of a circle-shaped earthly place. When I rolled on my side and looked up, I saw big and bushy trees above me and an infinite gaping sky. And when I looked down, I saw the ground blanketed in pinecones and twigs and patches of half stomped grass and dead leaves from which the evening moon kaleidoscoped.
As I looked around, I saw a bonfire in the middle of the circular area I was thrown into. By whom or what, I have no idea. And around that bonfire sat dozens of indistinguishable and unfamiliar faces. The only face…err, the only human painted in colour was the face of my ex.
Suddenly the dream-scene shifted, and I compartmentalized beside her. Her hair was radiating, and her face touched by a golden glow of the whirling flames that swallowed up the whole area in supernatural beauty.
Both I and my ex were sitting on a wooden crate when I noticed our legs were touching. What the fuck, I thought? Frightened and confused due to this, I made eye-contact with her.
At that moment, nostalgia spurred through my bloodstream. Melancholy engulfed me. And I began to shiver. I could also feel the air getting warmer, almost suffocating, and the atmosphere obtained a trance-like quality. The whole thing…it was as time stopped still.
Yet, I didn’t feel love or even lust. All I felt in that beautiful moment, was grief. However, this grief was not directed towards my ex. It was direct to me — to myself. And this is where our core lesson resides.
When we encounter adversities in life, we sometimes lose ourselves — our previous identity. And as time rolls over us, we begin to form a new one from the ashes and shards of the old. Yet, even then, we might still miss and reminiscence over our prior self, even when we don’t necessarily want it back.
Relax, this phenomenon is normal. Everyone goes through it. It’s the equivalent of losing yourself; finding yourself thing.
When it happens — and it will happen — just let it be. Let the feeling be there, grieve for it, cry if you have to, but then let it go. The past is dead, and there’s no use in reviving it. Focus on the now, and what lays before you. Soon you’ll adopt new values, beliefs and worldviews, and you’ll have a better idea of who you really are.
Remember: overcoming adversity is only half the battle; the other half is letting go of your past self and building someone new — someone more mature, more well-rounded and a tiny bit less shitty.
Life is painful and messed up. It gets complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes you have no idea where to go or what to do. Lots of times people just let themselves get lost, dropping into a wide open, huge abyss. But that’s why we have to keep trying. We have to push through all that hurts us, work past all our memories that are haunting us. Sometimes the things that hurt us are the things that make us strongest. A life without experience, in my opinion, is no life at all. And that’s why I tell everyone that, even when it hurts, never stop yourself from living.
– By Alysha Speer
