avatarMay More

Summary

The website content is a personal memoir detailing the author's childhood friendships, the dynamics of being chosen by friends rather than being the chooser, and reflecting on the complexities of adult manipulation and exploitation of children.

Abstract

The author recounts the story of their childhood friendships, particularly focusing on two individuals, Claire and Jackie. The narrative explores the author's experience of being chosen by friends, rather than actively choosing them, and how this dynamic shaped their relationships. It also delves into the author's reflections on the importance of proactively selecting friends to avoid unhealthy relationships. The memoir touches on the innocence of childhood play and the darker side of adult manipulation, including an encounter with a man who took advantage of the children's trust. The author emphasizes the need for open conversations about exploitation and the impact of both physical and emotional abuse on children, drawing on personal experiences and research findings.

Opinions

  • The author believes that many people fall into unhealthy relationships by not actively choosing their friends and instead allowing themselves to be chosen.
  • The author values the role of a close friend like Claire, who provided emotional support during a time of unstable family life.
  • There is a sense of admiration for Jackie's persistence in forming a friendship, despite initial reluctance from the author.
  • The author expresses regret for not intervening more quickly in an incident where a man, referred to as "the park perve," took inappropriate liberties with Jackie.
  • The author suggests that children should be taught about exploitation and abuse as soon as they are able to understand these concepts to better protect themselves.
  • The author implies that emotional abuse can be as damaging as physical abuse, citing research to support this view.
  • The author reflects on the prevalence of predatory individuals near playgrounds during their childhood and questions whether this is still a common issue.
  • The author holds the opinion that adults often overstep boundaries with children, leading to potential exploitation and undermining of the child's sense of self.

Memoir, Friends

On Being Chosen and the Obligatory Park Pervert

We did the usual stuff, messed around in phone boxes, knocked on front doors before running off, and my favourite thing — roller skating.

Image by InspiredImages from Pixabay

The Lipstick and Powder memoirs chronicle about nine/ten years of my life, from the year before I starting secondary school to celebrating my 20th birthday.

Last month I wrote about my primary school bestie, Claire. She was quite unique in my life, as I never again chose to have another female best friend.

Claire held me together without really realising it at a time when my home world had unstable, shaky foundations. And if truth be told, I am not sure if I ever got over her.

Being Chosen

When I met Claire, I was determined she would be my friend. I chose her…

However, as life went on, perhaps because of losing Claire, or simply because I have always been a bit of a loner, eight out of ten times the people I have been involved with in my life as friends or lovers— chose me. Instigating the friendship or courting me so to speak. I wasn’t ever scared of being alone or not having friends. The reason I didn’t always choose was more because I prefer my own company or being part of a wider group.

I loved having a close friend like Claire, but I think we were so close due to circumstance rather than me needing a single best buddy. However, it is still true that after her, I vowed not to have another best pal, and on the whole this has been the case except on the odd occasions when I did the choosing.

I think many people fall into unhealthy relationships because they’re not proactive enough in picking or refusing people as friends. Instead, they let themselves be chosen, perhaps they are then actually relieved someone wants them. I am certain, even with all my problems, the above did not apply to me. I think I was reluctant to bond at times, although once convinced, I often enjoyed the friendship tremendously.

Jackie was definitely one of the people who chose me…

My friend around the corner

Jackie blatantly chose me. Indeed, it was almost bewildering the lengths that girl went to. In the end I succumbed and we became good friends. To be honest, I totally admired her persistence and dedication to the cause of friendship.

Jackie and I didn’t attend the same school. We met at the start of my last primary year when she discovered I lived around the corner from her.

One morning I had just reached the end of my road and joined the street heading up to my school when Jackie came running up behind me.

“Hello. What’s your name? I’m Jackie and I live just back there at number eleven. Where’s your house? I’ve seen you before walking to school. Which one do you go to?”

After just two minutes in her company my head was fit to burst, and I made a mental note to leave a little earlier or later the following day. Yet somehow, whatever I did over the next week or so, she always seemed to be there — talking!

It turned out Jackie went to the state primary, whereas I was with the nuns. She was six months younger than me, yet was in the school year below. I quickly calculated I would only have to put up with her another ten months, minus holiday breaks, until I went off to big school. But you know what? She grew on me!

Although not prepared when I found her on my door step a few Saturdays later, I agreed to go out and play.

Had I really told her exactly where I lived?

We did the usual stuff, messed around in phone boxes, knocked on front doors before running off, and my favourite thing — roller skating.

For sure, Jackie could be very annoying. She was also ultra smart and a bit weird too — I liked that. I still remember her parents, particularly her father. He was a massive fan of Elvis Presley. Wore his hair in a quiff and styled his clothes just like Elvis. And looking back, his — and Jackie’s — facial features were rather Elvisesque. Similar mouths. The king had died the year before Jackie and I met, and their house was like a shrine. Never seen anything like it.

Not only that, when she invited me round, there was a magical dessert in the fridge. Crème caramel. It tasted like heaven! My Mum home cooked most things when she had time and didn’t agree with shop bought desserts or yogurt until later.

Pervy park life

Two sisters had just moved in at the top of my road, one was the same age as Jackie, the other about eighteen months younger. Soon the four of us became a bit of a team and spent a lot of sunny weekends over the park.

Once, a man befriended us. He was probably in his late 20s with an obvious intellectual disability. The problem here was, we knew a similar type of guy who lived down the road, and would chat to him and stroke his dog. Everyone said he was harmless, and in our collective experience he was. Because of this, we let the park guy hang out with us, and before I realised what was happening, he was pretending to be a nurse and had Jackie laying down under a tree with his hand inside her shirt.

Looking back, he was obviously the park perve, or paedophile. Neither necessarily went hand in hand with having a low IQ, however, some people may try and excuse his behaviour because of intellect level.

Jackie and I were probably both eleven at the time. As the eldest — with my history of abuse — I look back and think I should have stopped the incident immediately. My past meant that I understood sex was important, I was simply unaware where the boundaries should be.

My recollection of events is that I eventually did call a halt and state it was time to go, or similar. But maybe I made that memory up later, when I realised that was how I should have behaved.

In the 70s & 80s there really did seem to be an obligatory pervert who hovered near playgrounds. I wonder if this is still the case? Growing into a savvy kid, I grew to recognise them and steer clear. Nothing ever seemed to be done about them, though.

Adults manipulating kids

Too often in a child's life, adults over step the line in many ways. The example above is just one of them. But kids can be, and are, manipulated by grown-ups, causing the child to question their sense of self.

In my opinion, the topic of exploitation should be talked about as soon as a child understands what the word means. It is not only parents who undermine their child, it can occur in school, at friends houses or at youth clubs. Kids may be gaslighted, denied a voice to share their feelings, ignored or affection withheld.

Who's to say if physical manipulation/abuse has a worse effect than emotional abuse?

Research indicates that the resulting mental health problems are similar regardless of whether the maltreatment is physical, psychological, sexual, emotional, or some combination. MHS Journals

Interesting…

Jackie and I remained very close friends and had much fun over the years. I will return to her again in these memoirs.

Did you have a friend around the corner? Let me know in the comments.

Read about another friend from my street:

Subscribe to get an email when I post…

This Happened To Me
Memoir
Friends
Growing Up
Manipulation
Recommended from ReadMedium
avatarOssiana Tepfenhart
Korea’s Shocking Incel Problem Is So Much Worse Than You Think

No, for real, this is terrifying.

10 min read
avatarRoman Newell
Couch

Between the cushions

4 min read
avatarJudy Walker
I Had an Affair To Save Myself

It cost me my marriage and I’d do it again

7 min read
avatarMariana Busarova
My Grandma Taught Me How to Create Beauty With my Hands

And every stitch reminds me of her

4 min read
avatarJennifer Hartmann
The Question That Ended My Marriage

In a rare moment of vulnerability, I asked my husband this question, and knew I’d just empowered us to divorce.

6 min read
avatarCecilia Presley
5 Ways Female Narcissists Abuse Their Male Partners

Men are often abused this way and don’t know it

9 min read