On Becoming a Black Hole

Prologue

The stars seem eternal in their celestial stations. Their beginnings exceed the collective memory of terrestrial minds. They have inspired awe since our most ancient of ancients marveled at them and memorialized them on cave walls. And they continue to inspire us from the four-year-old girl looking up in wonder at the night sky, to the neighbors gathered around a backyard telescope, to the astrophysicist taking pictures of Sagittarius A*. But the stars are not eternal. They came into existence and their existence comes to an end according to their natural course. And for some, their end is a celebrated display of violence in prelude to becoming a black hole.

Part 1 Achieving Equilibrium (a star)

It was conceived of dust And incubated In an interstellar womb Swollen with the death Of its ancestors It had no form or awareness in utero It was nebulous but steady But also, and mostly, it was potential In its core it was all potential And it would be determined By the weight of the nourishing womb But now its body was ethereal And its edges were unknown And in the equilibrium of the womb Its potential was bound

But the womb became more massive And grew more heavy And the equilibrium couldn’t hold It was overwhelmed And the dark core unbound its potential And formed its edges Then drew them into itself Containing and compressing Its ethereal body of elements inward Under their cumulative weight And they were Abrahamic in number, the elements, And sovereign But they could not escape Nor maintain their integrity Under the heat and pressure of collapse Abdication was their only hope So they renounced their unique potentials, their sovereignty And entered each other And became one Then in an instant A glow radiated outward From their collective body (like a heartbeat) It was alive And its heart burned hot — increasingly Radiating against the suffocating crush of its own heaviness In equilibrium

It burns in tension now Between life and death And it burns like a beacon Giving meaning to the pilgrims Who’ve come to it Also to worshipers who will receive its light In distant skies

But it is not sovereign It is governed by a supreme law That knows only justice And the heat it radiates Against its suicidal heart Is not as bread cast on the water But for now, the star burns fiercely Roaring against the heavy darkness

Part 2 Achieving Equilibrium (the boy)

In the darkness, The boy closed his eyes And sleep came to him as death And it brought death Before his eyes opened again. And in the same darkness, While the sun burned low beneath the horizon He learned of it: She was not coming home And the darkness moved into him And it was heavy and expanded Full of confusion and death

And he was conceived in that darkness To be born again (But not of water or of the spirit) And in his core, it incubated (in the place where fear hurts him) In embryo it waited (his new self) For the boy to lay it down (his old self) But in that moment The crush of the expanding darkness Was repelled by the oblivion of his grief and tears In a tenuous equilibrium

But his ears were filled with sadness And nothing else and Through his salty vision The boy looked around And saw the sadness: There were so many tears (And he saw them all) But only a few hands to wipe them away And those hands were earnest, too, In explaining the mysteries of God: He needed her. So God took her away But his confusion only grew heavier because He needed her too and had no other options Confusion racked his heart increasingly And the darkness grew massive proportionately Its weight was unbearable and violent Crushing him inward in contraction He was little still And his body was soft still And his soul was tender still Neither fortified yet to resist this offensive And equilibrium was lost And so was the boy He couldn’t hold his boundaries – not on his own and he was on his own So he abandoned them, his boundaries Also his wants and needs And laid his hand upon his mouth and Became nothing And there was no light in him

Then in an instant He felt it, a calmness (against the relentless contractions on all sides) And it radiated outward And the pain stopped He was delivered from the darkness And he was born again (his newness worn as a mask) But there was no crying at this birth (He wiped away his own tears) Also no wanting or needing as at his first And no one questioned his silence Instead, they welcomed it It was a sign of a healthy boy, they reasoned, Well adjusted Also one less child to worry about And the calmness expanded outward To every part of him Leaving an emptiness In the place where the darkness was But he felt it as lightness and welcomed it

He shines now From his reflective mask of newness And others are drawn to him To renew themselves He shines for them and reflects them And makes no demands But absorbs their praise of his conformity And converts it to euphoric energy That radiates outward in relief Against the emptiness that grows heavy now And works to pull him inward

But he is just a boy And doesn’t know The true cost of his sacrifice Or that one day He will pay that cost in full But for now, he shines And he is even

Part 3 Losing Equilibrium (a star)

It roared for ages (Obscuring its inner violence) Burning in tension — brilliantly Against the heaviness from which it was born And carried with it still, In its core the star carried it And it worked to pull the star Into itself And it did not sleep nor rest It was constant and bided its time In this war of attrition And the star had the greater burden: In this war It could not bide, but had to burn in protest And it did not sleep nor rest While its pilgrims In devotion and silence Circumambulated And accepted the star’s light and heat Bestowed by its grace Ignorant of their violent production And having no concept of the finite But the end always comes Even when time Is measured in billions

But the star felt it coming — the end It was cold And it distilled from its heart Out to its edges And its heart grew heavier So the star grew larger In defiant self-exaltation Red, too, with anger But there was a hollowness in its display: the kind that goeth before destruction And in its expanding anger It consumed the pilgrims nearest its throne In its sacrificial flame And they did not flee or stray But their sacrifice was in vain

It was tired, the star And its light and heat pulsed unsteadily Billions of years is a long time to burn And not only burn but to burn in resistance Without sleep Without rest But the end was coming The end always comes

And the star felt it Coldness increased and rushed out to its limits And its edges contracted inward: Betrayed by its iron heart The war of attrition was lost, it seemed But the star still burned in its demise – A fraction of its prime, true But it still burned and was not dead And it was full of violent physics (it was violent physics) And it would offer one last sacrifice

It exploded silently In an eviscerating, sacrificial offering And it’s pilgrims Witnessed the offering and Received the offering and Then were gone As the supernova roared unbound through space (but there will be witnesses still in distant skies) And the star collapsed instantly and finally Back into the darkness of the terrible, spinning heaviness From which it was born Its sacrifice was in vain

It roars now, but not as before – There is no burning and no tension But its heart is violent still and invisible Obscured not by the light of fusion But that dark heaviness That gave birth and death to the star And meaning in between – Then took its dead parts Into itself in resurrection (its full potential realized) And it devours now insatiably and unchecked As it moves outward in circles Repossessing the grace It once bestowed and more

It gave but now it taketh away The end always comes

Part 4 Losing Equilibrium (the boy)

He came of age as a mask – Shining reflectively (Obscuring his inner emptiness) And lived his days in tension Seeking praise (like heroin) From those who issued him And those who go up to mountaintops and Swear to temple altars And he chased it, the praise (like an addict) To repel the emptiness that grew heavier And pulled him inward (And it was in his soul) But the euphoria was gone It was not like the first days Time and experience took it away – Now only lukewarm equilibrium But it was sufficient for his needs

So he paid the cost He became what others needed: reflecting their ideals That was the cost they asked And he asked for nothing But they spoke well of him; they esteemed him And he absorbed their praise and expanded Holding his edges Against the crush of his empty soul

But the actual cost was greater And the books were kept: There would be a reconciliation There is always a reconciliation And it was coming; he felt it in his heart

But today his soul hurt from emptiness And trembled near collapse So he looked to pay In large theatrical ways – On centerstage if he could. And he made himself big to be seen But there was a hollowness about him Like a shadow that was big But had no substance And he knew it and bowed his head in shame And went out into the night — alone

And his soul shook At the edge of its emptiness And the emptiness was heavy But he had nothing to set against it And he felt it tremble, the equilibrium, It trembled in distress And he groaned

He knew it would come, the reconciliation. He always knew But it went out of his mind Because it never arrived, day after day Until now And the books were opened And the balances came due in large numbers He felt them in his heart and It grew heavy and broke And the emptiness in his soul was voracious And insatiable and it pulled his soul inward There was no resistance He had nothing to set against it And it would not stop And the pain would not stop And he looked around Darkness was everywhere in the room And there were no hands to comfort him

But the Peacemaker was beside him And he turned to her and held her close She was heavy in his hand and Full of violent physics But he felt a calmness And it moved throughout his body One less child to worry about, he thought And he wiped the tears from his eyes There would be no crying

Then, in the darkness The supernova expanded from him Savagely (there were no witnesses — but there would be) And he collapsed in an instant And darkness embraced everything And from it, an emptiness rose up Invisible — like a ghost And moved outward in circles It will reclaim the joy and more

There is always a reconciliation

Epilogue

What we celebrate in the stars is mourned on earth.

You are not destined to become a black hole.

You are more radiant than a star.

So burn fiercely in your core and your cœur and

Roar against the darkness and the emptiness.

© Scott R. Edgar, 2022