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Abstract

Japanese commodes. Fine, I’m not against a commode that allows me to adjust the temperature of the tentacles that wrap around my thighs… but the most important fixture in a men’s room are the urinals.</p><p id="5c1c">When it comes to urinals, there is a substantial difference between urinals that are recessed into the floor and those that are not, the former being the superior variety. Take a look at the following:</p><figure id="5f6f"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*xdCGvCzU6k_4zNf5VvFmpg.png"><figcaption>The urinals at <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/McSorley%27s_Old_Ale_House">McSorley’s</a>.</figcaption></figure><p id="5376">Now, some of you might look at that picture and think… disgusting, but when I look at that picture I think… relief! There is no way you can miss that urinal. The only mistake you can make is holding your penis at a right angle to the floor and cranking the biological psi to “firehose” so that you cover your khakis in backsplash. In the old days, that never happened. First, because people didn’t wear khakis that much, and secondly because in the old days you didn’t bother to hold your dick. You just released it and then used one hand to hold your fly down and the other to smoke your cigar.</p><p id="552d">Notice the shelf where you can rest your beer and sandwich. Elegant urinals from a more civilized time.</p><h2 id="60a2">What Should Be in the Urinal</h2><p id="c8c2">The only problem with the above urinals is that they lack ice. Those “mints” are fine, but they are not ice. As the meme goes…</p><figure id="b7c3"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*kStOxajvCbG9N6Ul3E0xwA.png"><figcaption></figcaption></figure><p id="3609">Of course, too much ice is almost as bad as none at all. It takes time and attention on the part of the publican to keep a men’s room in order.</p><h2 id="3b94">What Should Be Above the Urinal</h2><p id="0439">What should be above the urinal is quite simple. There should be a newspaper above the urinal. Like this:</p><figure id="638c"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit

Options

:800/1*AfpZ1ggX2c1a9jffTWgZow.png"><figcaption>If you care about piracy, you would buy this photo from alamy.</figcaption></figure><p id="4997">Newspapers are very different than television screens or computer monitors. We don’t need more screen time, and, let’s face it, you’d be lucky if you could read four or five headlines in the time it takes to relieve yourself. This is just a civilized way to pass the time before the floodgates open. An informative and entertaining distraction for those among us who get a little anxious about letting go.</p><h2 id="eb0e">Who Should Be in the Men’s Room</h2><p id="298a">That very easy. The men’s room attendant. Now, I know that many of you, especially you millennials, are going to think that this is some kind of archaic, class-based desire to return to the racist/patriarchal society of the 1920’s and to that I say… you’re right, but, but, but… let me explain. We used to have guys who pumped our gas, and women who took your coat and hung it up for you, and people who walked around selling cigarettes from a tray… and none of them were necessary, but they were nice to have around. Look at this:</p><figure id="4d7d"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*Ntc6Hmqabc1MsJ0nvx0IAQ.jpeg"><figcaption>Who’s going to skip hand washing with an attendant in the room?</figcaption></figure><p id="df46">So, if we 86’d the gender and racial parts of the old system and, you know, just kept the class distinctions, could this be OK? Those guys used to brush off your sports-jacket while you were washing your hands and then offer you a candy! They usually had a bottle of Vitalis in case you didn’t put enough in your hair at home. They weren’t all men. When I was in Moscow a lot of the bathroom attendants in the men’s rooms were women. So, in my experience, men’s rooms have never been exclusive, and they used to be more welcoming.</p><p id="ae31">I would like men’s rooms to be more welcoming; you know, better fixtures, better lighting, better music. If we can’t have any of the above, then how about quieter hand dryers. Is that too much to ask?</p></article></body>

On Bathrooms

Underground bathroom in Portland, from The Portland Mercury.

Welcome to the Men’s Room

There has been some discussion lately about bathrooms, and I have a lot to say about bathrooms, though, I suspect, it isn’t really germane to the present political conversation. Moving “off topic” as a way of getting to say what I want to say isn’t just a habit for me, it’s a lifestyle! Thank you, president Obama, for bringing the topic to the forefront of American discourse, so that we, the public intellectuals, can weigh in.

Let me say from the outset that I welcome anyone who wants to use a men’s room into the men’s room. If you want to be in here, then be my guest.

Is there any talk of calling the men’s room something else? I hope not. I’m against that. Like “bull pen”, “Admiral’s Club”, and “gymnasium”, I think we should keep the name. I mean, it’s not a really a gymnasium unless everybody is naked, but we still call it “gym”… and you thought middle school couldn’t have been more traumatic.

My great regret is that we are welcoming the newcomers during what I hope is the nadir of the men’s room. Most bathrooms today aren’t much more than uninspired wet closets. It wasn’t always this way. Maybe our new comrades will help initiate a men’s room renaissance. I mean, if you’re going to have to fight to get in, shouldn’t there be something worthwhile to enter?

Here are the things I would like to see adopted as part of the men’s room revival. Please feel free to add your own wants and suggestions in the comments.

These Are the Urinals You Are Looking For

When people start talking about “upscale” bathrooms they often jump right to high-tech Japanese commodes. Fine, I’m not against a commode that allows me to adjust the temperature of the tentacles that wrap around my thighs… but the most important fixture in a men’s room are the urinals.

When it comes to urinals, there is a substantial difference between urinals that are recessed into the floor and those that are not, the former being the superior variety. Take a look at the following:

Now, some of you might look at that picture and think… disgusting, but when I look at that picture I think… relief! There is no way you can miss that urinal. The only mistake you can make is holding your penis at a right angle to the floor and cranking the biological psi to “firehose” so that you cover your khakis in backsplash. In the old days, that never happened. First, because people didn’t wear khakis that much, and secondly because in the old days you didn’t bother to hold your dick. You just released it and then used one hand to hold your fly down and the other to smoke your cigar.

Notice the shelf where you can rest your beer and sandwich. Elegant urinals from a more civilized time.

What Should Be in the Urinal

The only problem with the above urinals is that they lack ice. Those “mints” are fine, but they are not ice. As the meme goes…

Of course, too much ice is almost as bad as none at all. It takes time and attention on the part of the publican to keep a men’s room in order.

What Should Be Above the Urinal

What should be above the urinal is quite simple. There should be a newspaper above the urinal. Like this:

If you care about piracy, you would buy this photo from alamy.

Newspapers are very different than television screens or computer monitors. We don’t need more screen time, and, let’s face it, you’d be lucky if you could read four or five headlines in the time it takes to relieve yourself. This is just a civilized way to pass the time before the floodgates open. An informative and entertaining distraction for those among us who get a little anxious about letting go.

Who Should Be in the Men’s Room

That very easy. The men’s room attendant. Now, I know that many of you, especially you millennials, are going to think that this is some kind of archaic, class-based desire to return to the racist/patriarchal society of the 1920’s and to that I say… you’re right, but, but, but… let me explain. We used to have guys who pumped our gas, and women who took your coat and hung it up for you, and people who walked around selling cigarettes from a tray… and none of them were necessary, but they were nice to have around. Look at this:

Who’s going to skip hand washing with an attendant in the room?

So, if we 86’d the gender and racial parts of the old system and, you know, just kept the class distinctions, could this be OK? Those guys used to brush off your sports-jacket while you were washing your hands and then offer you a candy! They usually had a bottle of Vitalis in case you didn’t put enough in your hair at home. They weren’t all men. When I was in Moscow a lot of the bathroom attendants in the men’s rooms were women. So, in my experience, men’s rooms have never been exclusive, and they used to be more welcoming.

I would like men’s rooms to be more welcoming; you know, better fixtures, better lighting, better music. If we can’t have any of the above, then how about quieter hand dryers. Is that too much to ask?