On A Homeless Night Spent Sleeping on the Street, I Think I Saw an Angel.

Remembering the moment that changed my life.

You have to live by a different set of rules when you live rough and sleep on the street.

Two of these include; don't fall asleep on concrete, and getting off the street before the real people arrive in the morning going to work.

I had a rough night, fueled by all the demons of my memories. I had stumbled to a doorway and fallen asleep.

Waking up in the early morning light I came to recognize two things. Firstly, I had fallen asleep on concrete, and secondly, I was already in the way and needed to get away from where I was.

Concrete to me is a representation of death. At any time of year, it cools down and sucks the heat out of you. It is a slow pull, that at times feels like your life is draining away.

That morning it had been cold enough out that it had pulled so much heat I was stiff and sore. Moving was painful and hurt.

Everyone knows there are homeless, we just don’t like seeing them on our nice streets, in the way, as we walk to work. At different times people will be mean screaming stuff. I was kicked by someone once as they called me vile names.

You learn just to slip away. It matches how you feel like a nonperson.

That morning the sun had just crept around a building and backlit the people coming towards me. I heard the click of heels and shuffling of feet.

Looking up coming out of the light was this beautiful young 5-year-old girl, she was holding her Mom’s hand. She looked over at me and smiled.

I still remember the feel of that smile. I smiled back and for a moment everything was perfect.

The little girl must have been pulling on her Mom's hand a little as she lost focus in following. Her Mom was looking across the street. As her Mom turned back to see what caught her daughter's attention she gasped as she saw me.

Quickly she crossed the street dragging her child with her to avoid me. There were cars there she had to avoid.

I broke.

How had I become the type of person that a mother would drag her child into traffic to avoid?

I felt low and worthless to a depth I had never felt. I wept and leaked, just sitting there more than crying — tears falling endlessly from my face. Is this the sum total of my life? Is this all I will ever be?

I gave up at that moment. I was gone completely.

Slowly I remembered that incredible feeling when the girl looked at me. Could that be possible? I thought of all the great people who helped me in life. I think they would have wanted more from me, I think they knew I was capable of more.

I don't believe in Angels, but at that moment I think I saw one.

To say I got up and made an immediate difference that day would be untrue. However, I made small changes every day after. With time and the help of caring people, my life changed. That smile helped me every step of the way.

I am so lucky to have lived and to be living the life I have. I live in abundance and beauty.

All these years later, I can close my eyes and capture a hint of the feel of that little girl. It has carried me through many days.

With the passage of time, the girl would now be an adult and possibly with children of her own.

I hope on her bad days she can catch that smile of hers, the one that has carried me for a lifetime.

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