Older Women Don’t Want to Live With Their Male Partners. Here’s Why

They’re just not interested in giving up their sense of freedom to have companionship

A rift is emerging between single older women and the men they date, according to a recent Globe and Mail article. Increasingly, 60-something men are discovering that women their age are all in for having a male partner, but they just don’t want to live with them, preferring to be LATs — live apart together partners. As one 70-something woman quoted in the article says, “I don’t want to take care of anybody. I want to take care of me.”

Who can blame her, given all the caregiving women typically do?

But that isn’t exactly accurate — just because you live apart from your romantic partner doesn’t mean you aren’t caring and loving and kind toward them. It just means that you aren’t wrapped up in all the daily minutiae of their life and space, which allows you the space and time to focus on each other.

Although live apart together relationships are getting more media attention, they’re still a hard concept for many to wrap their head around, which is why the article sparked nearly 500 comments, some of which were gathered in a follow-up article. Delightfully, most of them were positive.

Here’s what some had to say:

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A choice, not a necessity

‘Living together would be amazing, but I just think it gets harder to find or negotiate harmony and compatibility in a living situation as you age. And when women or men are financially independent (not rich but able to support themselves), living together becomes a choice but not necessary.”

Time for themselves

‘Something that hasn’t been mentioned is many of these women may have been involved in caring for their elderly parents (it seems to always fall to the daughter). They’ve seen firsthand what happens as we age and don’t want that role again. After generally being the main caregiver for the kids and then the parents, they want and need time for themselves.”

Women have more choices

‘If you’re a grouchy old guy who makes little financial contribution, doesn’t cook or clean, isn’t a ball of fun to be around and looks at women of his own generation as second-best, what are you offering an independent 70-year-old woman who can look after herself? The sexes have become more equal, which means women have more choices. I expect there are also more wealthy and interesting 70-year-old women with 50-year-old boy toys than in the past as well.’

‘I know who I am’

“I think it’s not that we don’t want to live with a man. In my case it’s more that, at this point in my life, I know who I am and who I want to share my life with, if at all. I’ve learned to become very selective. And that’s a good thing, for me, anyway.”

When I wrote about dating at midlife (we can still call 60-somethings middle-aged … right???), I noted that while women wanted companionship, they also treasured their independence. Which meant that some had to give up satisfying relationships because their male partner wanted to tie the knot and move in together but the gals didn’t, often because they didn’t want to have to be back in 24/7 caretaker mode again.

Companionship? Yes!

A social life? Absolutely!

Sex? Bring it!

But they’re just not interested in giving up their sense of freedom to have all that, adamant that they were “willing to be lonely before sacrificing independence.”

A room of our own

That older women overwhelmingly would rather be alone than give up their independence is a sure sign of who has historically benefited more from “traditional” marriage. Maybe that’s changing as younger hetero women want and expect more out of marriage, and if they’re not going to get it, well, maybe they, too, may be willing to be alone (rather than lonely) before sacrificing their needs.

Or, maybe more younger people will learn from their elders — that being a LAT can offer commitment, love, intimacy, sex and all the other things many of us want in a romantic relationship while still giving us a room of our own.

Want to explore a LAT relationship? (Of course you do!) Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). You can support your local indie bookstore (please do) or order it on Amazon. And we’re now on Audible. Hey, I’m working on a book on changing the narrative about middle-aged and older women, “Not Too Old for That: How Women are Changing the Story of Aging.” Interested? Follow me here, on Medium, and on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram. If you want to support my work and have unlimited access to my writing and the writing of all Medium writers, please become a member here.

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