Guys on Ashley Madison? I Can Help
Let me explain what works and makes me open your message
I’m an “experienced” adulteress. I’ve been fucking out of network for five long years. I’ve seen thousands of profiles on Ashley Madison. Guys, I can help you, I promise.
I have hundreds of men in my inbox. As of today, it’s 387.
Who should I pick out of the multitude of horn dogs? The men who put in the extra effort. It’s simple.
Profile Pictures:
Don’t look down at the camera or aim too high. Don’t take one where you are scowling. Don’t take dirty public bathroom selfies. I don’t need to see the urinals behind you. Please, for the love of God, no laying down selfies.
I don’t mind the ever-present car selfie because the light is usually good. More natural light, the better. Can you take one where you are posed naturally and perhaps happy? I see very few grinning selfies from men. Show me the smile I want to put on your face.
Grooming:
Tidy up your hair. All of it. Nose, ear, beard, head, shoulders, privates, etc. What have you? I don’t need to gag thinking about your body hair lodging itself in my teeth.
And, NO comb overs! Just shave your head; you will look so much better, trust me. Get a decent haircut if you have hair left.
Whiten your teeth. There is nothing worse than yellowed chompers. Wear up-to-date, nicely fitting clean clothes.
Demands:
“Can you keep up?” or “Do you have what it takes?” or “I work hard and play harder” are not getting you into my panties. I’m not easily commanded. I have my own brain: nope and more nopes. If a guy seems too demanding, I’m out.
Save that BS for your wife. She’ll put up with it.
Marketing 101:
“If you try to sell to everyone, you will sell to no one.”
Know your strengths and play to them. Nerdy? Tell us some fun nerdy facts about the Hobbits and their “second breakfasts.” Emotional? Admit it and tell us the last movie that made you cry. Analytical? Try to make a list. Athletic? Please don’t explain your cross-fit routine or your marathon training. Since when did being ultra fit become ultra annoying?
Politics and Religion:
Just don’t start with hot button issues. They are polarizing for a reason. I don’t need a diatribe. I need to get laid.
“Don’t contact me if you’re a _____ supporter,” tells me that you aren’t good at keeping politics out of an affair. I’m fucking you, not marrying you. I could care less what side of the fence you’re on if your dick game is on point.
Spelling and Grammar:
Put together a paragraph without “LOL.” So help me God, this is my pet peeve. No “ur” for your. Also, no “u” for you.
- Know that “alot” is NOT a word
- Discrete is not correct. IT’S DISCREET.
- You’re and your are not interchangeable
- Lose isn’t “loose.”
I could go on and on as a grammar nazi. I said my piece (peace). Argh!
Tagline:
Do not use “Hello.” It’s so done. 98% of men use “Hello, ladies” or “Just checking this out.” Ugh. NO.
Be original. Stand out. How about, “Shall we?” or better yet, “How are you today?” Show interest in her life. “Missing something?” I like men who at least pretend up front about my pleasure. “It’s all about your needs and desires.” Thank you, I’ll have some of that, please.
Don’t use “Yank my doodle, it’s dandy.”
Blank:
Don’t leave your profile blank. You are competing with hundreds of men. Nothing gets you nowhere. You’ve wasted your money, hate to break it to you.
I need to know more. Most all women want to know more. We aren’t clicking on a guy without pictures and a blurb. Why take the risk?
Send a Message:
Do not just send, “Please send me a key to access your private photos.” I have hundreds of those. I ignore men who are pic collectors. Try to find out what I like, what I desire, who I am and then I might share my pics.
Be sweet, “I know what you are going through. I can help. Let’s talk.” Or, “I’d like to find out more about you.” Or, “Tell me about your situation.” Anything that might spark a dialogue.
Don’t Be Generic:
“Please check out my profile to see if you might be interested in connecting with me. If you are interested, ‘wink’ me back and I will initiate contact!”
CHANGE IT. Now. When you sign up, make your own message. “I’d love to hear from you” or “If I’m interested, I will reach out.”
No Dick Pics:
None. Zero. No dick pics on your main pics. It screams douchebag. Dying to show your goods and get laid, STAT. Most women who are cheating want to be wooed and romanced. Not dicked down on down low, up front.
Effort equals intent:
I look for men who are willing to put in the time to figure me out. I want a guy who isn’t on board for “just sex” and perhaps wants something deeper. If that’s not your thing, fine. Just be aware that the odds are against you.
Women have choices in affairland. The numbers are in our favor like a bazillion to one. I know it isn’t fair. Older men still offer the crinkly eyes, salt and pepper hotness, and life experience that is sexy beyond belief.
You have a chance, believe me. Follow my tips.
Want some side action? Fucking out of network is a skill. Adultery 101. I can teach you. Follow me and The Scarlett Letter.
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