avatarNaleen Mitchell

Summary

An adult supervisor at a cookie sale event describes the inappropriate behavior of older men towards young girls selling cookies and emphasizes the importance of respecting children's autonomy and consent.

Abstract

The author recounts an incident where a man at a cookie sale event pressured a shy young girl to perform salesmanship, making her uncomfortable and fearful. Despite the man's probable lack of malicious intent, his actions were part of a pattern observed with older, predominantly Caucasian men, who often gave unsolicited advice, invaded personal space, and touched the girls without consent. The article underscores the necessity of teaching children about consent and personal boundaries, especially in the context of a society where women's rights are under threat and sexual assault is prevalent. The author advocates for adults to be mindful of their interactions with children, setting a positive example by respecting their space and autonomy, rather than undermining the lessons of consent and personal agency.

Opinions

  • The author believes that adults should not pressure children, especially in public sales situations, as it can undermine their confidence and autonomy.
  • There is a critique of the behavior of some older Caucasian men who, under the guise of teaching or interacting with young girls, overstep boundaries and make them uncomfortable.
  • The article suggests that such interactions, even if not sexually predatory, contribute to a culture where consent is not respected, which is detrimental to both boys and girls.
  • The author is protective of the girls and takes their well-being seriously, akin to a parental responsibility.
  • The article implies that the broader societal context, where women's rights are being challenged, makes it even more critical to instill the principles of consent and bodily autonomy in children from a young age.
  • The author calls for a change in behavior from adults, advocating for respectful interactions that align with the teachings of consent and personal space.
  • The author is not officially representing the organization mentioned but is expressing personal views on the matter.

Old White Men Need to Stop Doing This to Young Girls

Respect starts with the adults

Not the cookies for sale. But still looking delicious. Photo by Conor Brown on Unsplash

The man walked quickly toward the table filled with cookies for sale, pushing a grocery cart full of goods already purchased in front of him. Stopping the cart and securing it to the side, he sauntered up to the table and told the young girl nearest to him that he would like to buy some cookies.

The girl, holding a handmade cardboard poster listing the types and prices of the items for sale, nervously asked how she could help.

He looked indignant for a moment before repeating himself again, this time louder. “I’d like to buy some cookies. But you need to work for them. Tell me why I should buy them.”

The girl’s eyes widened in fear. She is a soft-spoken child, building confidence daily by participating in our group. Her voice trembled after she got over her shock. “They are really good.” She mumbled, unsure of what else to say.

Some of our girls are natural-born salespeople. They are outgoing and confident, and get joy and energy out of talking with new people. Others are more introverted and thrive in small groups, more comfortable working in the background refilling cookies, or keeping track of inventory. Customer-facing roles are more challenging for some of our girls- and this is part of why we push them to do it.

This man knows nothing about our girls. (And yes, I am using the possessive here. I take my responsibility for these girls seriously, just as I do for my own children.) He does not know their abilities, their personalities, their struggles, and strengths, or their histories. He kept insisting on more from this child.

Asking more questions, trying to teach her a lesson, making her more uncomfortable as he edged closer to her and towered over her. In the span of a two-minute interaction, he advised her to speak up, make eye contact, smile more, and be more grateful for his purchase.

I was only a few feet away, finishing up with another girl and a customer. I stepped over to help untangle this situation, and as I did, he reached out to touch her on the shoulder. She moved her poster up, like a protective shield. I snuck in and placed myself between this adult and the kid before he could make physical contact, guiding her to take a step back.

I helped her to finish the sale and was glad to see the last of that man.

Not the man in question. This guy probably understands consent and respect better than the man in this story. Photo by yerling villalobos on Unsplash

Do I think this particular man had bad intentions toward any of these girls?

No. Not really. But intentions are not excuses for bad behavior.

I wish this had been the only weird interaction during these public sales. But time and time again older, mostly Caucasian men would attempt similar behavior. This could have something to do with the fact that our state is a very “white” state, but I suspect a certain level of privilege plays a role as well.

Some would creep too close, some would rant about the cookie selection and things out of the girls’ control. Others would insist that the girls needed to learn something- as if standing outside on a rainy day attempting to convince strangers to buy confectionary items and support their activities was not a lesson enough.

Just. Stop.

Stop telling young girls to smile more.

Stop giving them unsolicited advice about sales pitches.

Stop leaning over them or standing too close.

Stop telling them how to act.

Stop admonishing quiet voices or lack of eye contact.

And for fuck’s sake - STOP touching them.

Fighting for our rights. Again. Photo by Monica Melton on Unsplash

We are living in a time when women’s rights are actively being stripped away. It is hard enough to raise children when times are good and the future is bright, but now we are raising them in a country where half the population has to live in fear that medical care will be denied because of the body parts they possess and the potential life they may or may not harbor.

Consent has only recently entered into the cultural dialogue. Sexual assault is so common on college campuses that women are admonished to never walk alone at night. Rape whistles are handed out like candy. Every woman I know understands the nuance of threading car keys between our fingers just in case.

We keep an eye on our surroundings double and triple checking on that man walking behind us. Our drinks are not to be left unattended- even for the briefest of moments. And we watch out for each other- at least the best we can.

I was in college when the goal of each party was to get the women drunk enough to sleep with the guys. One step away from straight-up roofying co-eds. We thought this was normal, we went along with it. Most of us were never so drunk we couldn’t make our own decisions, but the mindset itself is still disturbing.

Now I am raising my own kids. I strive to teach them that they have control over their bodies. That they must give and receive consent from innocent high fives and hugs to sexual acts when they are old enough for that.

Strangers walking up to my kids, or the girls that I am charged with, and touching them- no matter how innocently- erodes these teachings. It takes away control and autonomy. These invasions of space were never comfortable for the girls- and it was always the same demographic who engaged in them.

Touching someone on the shoulder or attempting a hug is not the same as sexual assault. I know this. And I am not equating the two or trying to demonize these men.

The point is that we should be respecting the bodies of all children. Sexual assault and rape statistics are staggering- and though the majority involve female victims, males are also at risk of this behavior.

Showing children that they can say no, and that they deserve space is an easy way to help combat this. It teaches both boys and girls what consent is and why it is important.

Walking up to children who are in a position of deference to the adults around them, and assuming that you can touch them in any way is the antithesis of these teachings. It also shows them that consent is not required of adults, which is exactly the opposite of what we are trying to instill.

If you are an adult or an older person with any perceived power or authority, please take a moment to think about your actions in regard to children.

Another man came up to the cookie booth shortly after the man from above. He smiled widely and told the girls that his daughter used to be a part of our organization, way back when. When the girls clammed up, he just smiled and bought a box of cookies. He did not tell them what to do or try to put his arm around them. He simply thanked them and went on his way.

Be like that man.

I am not a representative of the organization referenced above. These are my thoughts and opinions, and not necessarily those of the organization.

For reference:

Victims of Sexual Violence. https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence

Consent at Every Age. https://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/uk/18/12/consent-every-age

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Parenting
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