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Abstract

t makes me sad that I am angry. I have no idea how to allow myself to feel it or express it or anything.Everyone else in the family was allowed to be angry, express themselves, behave like a bitch/dick — why the fuck wasn’t I allowed to?I understand we are all human and we all do things from time to time … but I fucking hate liars and hypocrites. I fucking hate double standards and this constant acceptance to blame the victim.It makes me so angry that there is so much of this in the world and no matter how hard I try to be a good person, understanding, patient, kind, etc. it doesn’t seem to fucking matter!I have worked so hard to understand and overcome my trauma, and it still clearly haunts me.Every night in my dreams I am still trying to run away from, save, and/or confront my family. In my dreams I have such gumption. I can express myself clearly and passionately while not allowing them to control, belittle, diminish, interrupt, or manipulate me. In my dreams I can stand my ground, I can get angry — sometimes scarily so — and I can call them out on all their

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lies, double standards, and bullshit clearly, concisely, and unapologetically!Why is it so much harder in real life? Why is it I am so easily able to get flustered, twisted-up, made to feel badly and as if everything is my fault?Why can I not call out the person in the moment creating a fabrication of lies?Why could I not address the blatant bullshit my supposed friend told me as she was stabbing me in the back and making it all seem like it was not only my fault but also completely deserved when all I had ever done was love, support, nourish, and give her everything I possibly could?I am angry for what has happened in my life and in the world. I am angry at those people, angry at myself, angry at the world, and angry about my anger. I am also deeply saddened by all of this.What more can I do… what more can I say … what does any of it even matter?Your struggling idealistic unbelievably naive and stupidly hopeful & optimistic HolisticNerd — maybe Louis C K has it right, ‘why the fuck would anything nice [good] happen?!’</article></body>

Okay, I am angry, and it fucking kills me.

Learning how to tap into my anger in an effort to release it safely.

Growing-up, I wasn’t allowed to get angry or even upset— it was constantly used against me to make me feel badly.

My mother threatened on more than one occasion to give me up for adoption or said that I would be taken away.

My brothers, and my sister, would always play the typical female must be PMSing bullshit.

My dad just didn’t tolerate it.

Things were constantly twisted to make me feel badly and like I was the one in the wrong…

I was too sensitive
I took everything too personally
I took everything seriously
I overreacted or was making a big deal out of something
I was the one to blame or at fault
You’re just being bitter or unreasonable or overly emotional
etc.

I was never allowed to express any form of frustration and now I don’t know how to allow myself.

I am angry and it hurts me. I hate that I am angry. It makes me sad that I am angry. I have no idea how to allow myself to feel it or express it or anything.

Everyone else in the family was allowed to be angry, express themselves, behave like a bitch/dick — why the fuck wasn’t I allowed to?

I understand we are all human and we all do things from time to time … but I fucking hate liars and hypocrites. I fucking hate double standards and this constant acceptance to blame the victim.

It makes me so angry that there is so much of this in the world and no matter how hard I try to be a good person, understanding, patient, kind, etc. it doesn’t seem to fucking matter!

I have worked so hard to understand and overcome my trauma, and it still clearly haunts me.

Every night in my dreams I am still trying to run away from, save, and/or confront my family. In my dreams I have such gumption. I can express myself clearly and passionately while not allowing them to control, belittle, diminish, interrupt, or manipulate me. In my dreams I can stand my ground, I can get angry — sometimes scarily so — and I can call them out on all their lies, double standards, and bullshit clearly, concisely, and unapologetically!

Why is it so much harder in real life? Why is it I am so easily able to get flustered, twisted-up, made to feel badly and as if everything is my fault?

Why can I not call out the person in the moment creating a fabrication of lies?

Why could I not address the blatant bullshit my supposed friend told me as she was stabbing me in the back and making it all seem like it was not only my fault but also completely deserved when all I had ever done was love, support, nourish, and give her everything I possibly could?

I am angry for what has happened in my life and in the world. I am angry at those people, angry at myself, angry at the world, and angry about my anger. I am also deeply saddened by all of this.

What more can I do… what more can I say … what does any of it even matter?

Your struggling idealistic unbelievably naive and stupidly hopeful & optimistic HolisticNerd — maybe Louis C K has it right, ‘why the fuck would anything nice [good] happen?!’