Oh, The Goofy Shit We Say

Is it any wonder that nobody’s listening?

People are funny. Not always in a good way. But, there are times when merely opening our mouths and speaking inspires unintentional laughter. That is, those times when we’re not being annoying or embarrassing or disruptive or reactive…or just plain mentally constipated.

As a species, we should be known as Goofus Erectus.

Take our felonious asshole of a president. The racist, sexist troll who holds the highest office in the land. It’s virtually impossible to keep up with the crazy shit this dude says, as he never stops ranting. He’s like a misogynist Energizer Bunny. Or, Leatherface without the chain saw.

Literally — you’d have to not have a life to keep abreast of the real Donald J. Trump. His manic tweets, his bloviating about “fake” news. When it comes to batshit crazy, Trump is the ultimate poster nut.

Don’t you just love how he referred to THE conversation with Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelensky as “perfect.” In fact, Trump said this repeatedly during a White House press conference where he berated reporters and, as is his wont, went off the rails, publicly.

“It was perfect. It was a perfect conversation.” What the hell does that even mean? I’ve never had one of those and I’m not sure I’d recognize it if I did. I’ve had a perfect plate of pasta. A perfect score on a test. A (near) perfect orgasm. But, a perfect conversation? I’ll be looking forward to that.

The Orange Troll aside, everyone says goofy shit, myself included. Our lexicon is awash with statements that make little or no sense. To wit:

“I might as well have that second donut. After all, I could get hit by a bus, tomorrow.”

Now, back up here. Do you know how many people actually get mowed down by buses, annually? Let’s just say, “not many.” In fact, statistically, this isn’t even a thing. We’re not talking about bus crashes, but people who are physically struck and killed by buses.

Not to mention that buses, at least the ones I see, don’t usually barrel down streets. Especially in urban areas where there’s far too much traffic for that. So, unless you have your head firmly stuck up your ass, you’d have plenty of time to escape annihilation by the №47 Crosstown.

All of us are guilty of making inane comments. No one thinks before they speak, anymore. Our lives are too fast-paced for that. Not only do we not think, we routinely lie. Lying has become its own art form.

How many times have you told someone, “I hope you’re doing well,” when you really don’t give a shit, or worse, wish that individual would get hit by a bus?

“Thanks for reaching out.” That one makes me gag. It’s so touchy-feely in a world that’s anything but. And also, because I’ve heard it from employment recruiters too many times to count. It’s usually followed by the word, “but.”

“Thanks for reaching out, but…”

Yeah. Fuck you. I’ll give you something to reach for.

Here’s a phrase that I’ve never understood: “I swear on (name’s) grave!” So — you’re swearing on a grave to prove that you’re not lying. A grave! Meaning, someone’s already died. What more harm can you do? If you are indeed caught in a lie, will a pigeon shit on said grave? Will a comet drop from the sky and pulverize it?

Not that anyone would want a comet to pulverize a loved one’s remains, but someone, please explain this to me.

Another common declaration that really gets me going: “It is what it is.” Think about it. When was this ever in dispute? Did someone say, “It is what it is not?” Or, “Hey, it’s not what it is?” What the hell are we talking about here?

Yes, we humans are a funny bunch, indeed.

“I don’t give a rat’s ass.” Another winner. At exactly what point does a rodent’s sphincter enter into a conversation?

The above-mentioned terminology is just a sampling of goofy shit we say. There’s also extremely tired shit, like the following:

“It’s not rocket science.” Enough already. Who’s saying that anything IS rocket science? Use this too often at the risk of sounding unimaginative.

“Tell me how you really feel.” I just did, you ass clown. What more do you need?

“I, personally.” If you say “I,” then it’s already clear that what follows is your personal viewpoint.

“To be honest.” Hmmm. Should we expect anything but? Are you implying that you’ve not been honest in the past? A reformed pathological liar?

“Trust me.” Enough said.

“God knows…” And you know what God knows, how?

“That is really unique.” It’s either unique, or it isn’t. There are no degrees of one-of-a-kind-ness.

“I could care less.” You realize that this means you do care, correct? If not, you’d say, “I couldn’t care less.”

I’ll stop here because, if I were to attempt to cover all the goofy shit we humans utter on a daily basis, I’d be stuck at this desk, forever. And my ass cheeks will not thank me.

So, here’s the deal: (There’s another one!) Add your personal faves to this list in the comments section below, or better yet, write your own follow-up story. We could probably keep this going indefinitely.

Meanwhile, I think I’ll have a second glass of wine, tonight. After all, I could get hit by a bus, tomorrow.

Cheers.

Sherry McGuinn is a longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

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