Oh How I Miss You

When you miss someone

“I miss that feeling of connection. Knowing he was out there somewhere thinking about me at the same time I was thinking about him.” ― Ranata Suzuki

When you miss someone

I miss the old you. The one who I could turn to, speak to, run to with tears in my eyes, and have those warm arms gripping around me. Everybody said it was you and I. From the age of six, our parents pinned us together with candy ring pops and celebratory frosted covered animal crackers. ( Gosh, I miss those too.)

If we knew now what we didn’t back then..would we have invested ourselves so completely? Were our words empty? Did we not foresee the meteor crashing into our hearts?

During these hard times, where pandemic occurs and crushes the world. I can’t help but think about who you were, who I was with you, and how we didn’t turn our backs against all odds. Oh, I loved you so. Everyone knew it. It shined like the moonlight sky. Our youth. Our young naivety.

“I would have followed you to hell and back… if only you’d lead me back.” ― Ranata Suzuki

Amidst The Chaos

Curse us

Curse us with this long lost love. It turned twisted like old branches on a dying tree, I don’t even know where it begins, but my friend, I wish you were still you. I wish it was you’re joyful voice picking up a phone to tell me if I’m stupid or being corrupted by the obsessed.

Would you have let me move away from home? Would you have begged on hands and knees not to let me be broken for someone who turns my heart on fire but just as quickly can set it cold?

Oh, I miss the old you. But now I have to tell them. I have to let my demons rest this grave. For the ones who didn’t get to say goodbye to who you once were. My seething rage at the change…and not having a place to plead for you drown me.

One new-formed I.D and my breathe was ripped from my throat. A friendship like ours had a new thorn. I couldn’t understand where to pick it back up. How to work through the change?

Now, for both of our sakes, I will not use your real name. But the words spoken here mourn who you use to be like a waterfall that is frozen over during the winter or a baby chick who loses its parents. No one can replace the old you. But all I can do is accept the new you.

“And you thought saying “I love you” was hard? Try saying “I miss you” once you’ve parted ways.” ― Nitya Prakash

His story

For the sake of this article, You will be named Theon. I hope you can respect that.

For those of you who are lost, Theon is my childhood best friend, first love, and we walked a thin line of ride or die. Forgive me, if this sounds odd. Theon used to be a dark-haired, blue-eyed skinny boy with glasses. ( He reminded me a little of Ian Somerhalder.) But much more reminiscent of Harry Potter depending on personality. He’s about four years older than me. So, when I say I was six….yea…he was ten.

Irony has a shrill voice in my life. It’s like thunder. I don’t believe this is one of those stories that irony misses a strike. During the year I was six, Theon’s father, and my mother joked about the two of us being married at such a young age. We were handed ring pops and frosted animal crackers while playing through Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time on the Nintendo Sixty Four.

However six months after this occurrence, My mother and father got into one of their horrific fights. Mother moved my brother and me out with her and into a small apartment a few towns away. We would be away from each other for about a year and a half. During that time, an unimaginable event would take place. One that eventually leads to a road no longer crossable.

“Plant a good seed in people who have fertile hearts. When you are away, they’ll miss you. When you are coming again, they can’t wait!” ― Israelmore Ayivor, The Great Hand Book of Quotes

A Road No Longer Crossable

A few years after

Under a clear harvest moon night sky, Theon spoke about a day when he lost his life. I mean lost his life in a sense of…losing who he once was. ( We all have faced such a loss. Some of us have come out of the fire, and others are still battling.) At age ten, Theon ran through a clear glass door that leads into his living room.

Can you imagine a boy diving into the living room dripping blood and intestine from his rib cage, and stomach? Even his leg got cut. I’m grateful that I wasn’t a witness to his pain but scornful that it even happened in the first place.

“I’m glad you weren’t around for it. The horror would scar you for life.” My fingers traced his scars as I succumbed to the thought of death that webbed close to him. But the words that came next…would haunt my unsettled mind for years to come.

We never pronounced ourselves as lovers. We never abused, used, or treated each other like objects either. The way our love worked was a lot of giving and take with selfless means. Words have power and can hold you in place when you didn’t even realize they could.

My body shivered in reaction to his next sentence. To tell the truth, I wasn’t prepared for the words with a poison tongue. ( Honestly, truth is still a lot like that. Hard to face. )

“That day when I was pronounced dead, I lost myself. Or part of it. I’ve been fighting like I’m bipolar but that’s not quite right.” Teenagers but the conversation here felt like two adults facing a hard decision. We had to accept our fate. “ More like two souls clashing. One that is male, and one that is female. There is the boy I was born as and the invader.” Stories like this don’t exist. I reasoned with myself that I was drawing a line on crazy but his words resounded firm.

A double personality inside my best friend? How could I come to terms with this? I looked up at the harvest moon feeling its warmth bathe me in the tears. What I knew… The pain..he went through…the battle. It wasn’t over. But our friendship that was turned to love…was about to detonate like a bomb before my eyes. Time will heal this? I thought it then. But when a clear starry sky reflects in the sky like eyes, you wonder…if there was never enough time. My speechlessness left him to continue his words.

“The boy who I am speaking to you as…is more in love with you than you will ever know. A grave gold plating wouldn’t do his love for you justice. But he is not winning. If I can’t hold on…please think of this side of me as dead and gone. While the female me thinks of you as a sister. I don’t know when the conflict will be over, but we don’t have enough time to explore each other's souls. This I know. But I fear we already know where our road leads.”

Truth is like poison. His words as compassionate and true as a poison before it seeps into your lungs and takes your breath away. From that day forward, we knew the reckoning would come. I didn’t see it swing its door my way till one afternoon, I knocked on his door…and he was no longer he. She had won. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. I couldn’t say the swinging time chandelier was never ticking or that the sands of time were lost. I had no excuse to hide from the pain. But she had managed to gain a larger breast size with it. Talk about irony.

Conclusion

I miss him. I miss him like you would miss that missing sea breeze on a boat if you were a fisher. It’s not like the person or body died…but it is not the same. I conclude that sometimes..we never have enough time it seems. With Covid-19, I am not thinking we will run out of it but that now we have too much of it to miss the people that really matter. Thank you for sharing the prompt with me.