Offering Friendship Through Sex
When you figure it out, it can be done beautifully
There’s no greater feeling of triumph than finally figuring yourself out. I can say with certainty that the naked truth randomly hit me over the head while driving to work one morning.
It was such an obvious realization that I had to write it down at a red light, because I didn’t want to forget that I had just figured out my bottom line as it relates to men and sex.
Since the word style can also be referred to as a trend, I have indeed figured out my sex/relationship style. I have recognized my trend.
I’m everybody’s friend.
As far back as I can recall, and including most of the men I’ve had (and currently have) sex with, we have been friends first and foremost. This includes going as far back as my ex-husband.
As I continued my drive on the morning of this epiphany, I recounted a list of as many men as I could, and they all have one thing in common:
Our friendships always come first, sex is a derivative.
After figuring that out, I fell in love with myself a little bit more, and it made me smile. I knew I wasn’t just a horny tramp. I’m also a good person because all my men place value in our friendships, with or without sex.
Becoming aware of this fills me up more than any committed, long-term relationship ever could. Everyone should value friendship over sex and it seems I have mastered the task.
My relationships with the men I keep as friends could literally be summed up in every corny Unsplash photo of happy couples.
My husband was the start of this trend.
After we split up many years ago we remained true friends. Our relationship dissolved because we grew apart, but our split was amicable and we both still cared about where each other went in life.
When our divorce was officially stamped and I sarcastically told him to have a nice life, he insisted that we stay in touch. He asked me to check in on him once in a while for old time’s sake, and we still do.
We’ve both successfully moved on from each other, yet still take pleasure in reminiscing once in a while over our most fun and funniest times together. I’ll cherish that forever.
After my divorce, I can’t even count the number of men I’ve entered into sexual relationships with, and nearly all of them have remained on my roster of friends. Even the men in different countries.
My very first different-country-man was Jason and to this day, he remains my most trusted and loved male friend, even though we started out as sexual partners. His story has already been written and he has well earned it.
After Jason, I recalled Andrew from England. Andrew and I met in a bar where he was playing pool with a friend. When they noticed I was there alone the two of them invited me to play pool.
Needless to say, I kicked their asses and drinks were my reward.
Shortly after they bought me a couple rounds, they had to leave. Andrew and I quickly swapped numbers and away they went. We had met at the beginning of my vacation so there would be plenty of opportunity to see him again.
Two minutes after leaving he called my phone and told me to step outside the doorway of the bar. When I did, I spotted him at the bottom of the hill standing there on his phone, waving up at me. It made me laugh.
From that day, Andrew and I became fast friends due to our playful natures. He was fine as hell but more than that, I adored his personality from the minute we met. He always made me laugh and kept a smile on my face.
I’ll never forget our first sexual experience because of how awkward it was. He had invited me over to his place for dinner with what I assumed were no intentions, other than dinner. We ate, we laughed, we sat on his couch chatting for hours. There was never a lull in conversation, nor was there any innuendo or physical contact.
Then, at one point during a break in conversation, he smirked while asking, “Is this the part where I’m supposed to ask if you want to have sex?”
We both busted out laughing and sure enough, we ended up having sex.
From that point forward, all of our encounters went the same way. There were nights when he’d come to my hotel for the purpose of having sex but instead, we’d just end up giggling the night away, until falling asleep together.
We made morning coffees for each other, socialized with his friends together, went sightseeing together. He even stood up to other men hitting on me, yet we were never a couple. We were just comfortable friends having sex once in a while.
Even though I’ve not seen Andrew in many years due to travel constraints, we still keep in touch, always as friends and always for laughs.
Perhaps one of the most noteworthy on my roster of sex friends in different locations is my adventure sex partner, Donovan.
I consider him noteworthy because we have only ever met once. A single night of haphazard sex, only to never see each other again, has developed into a solid long distance friendship.
There is no reason on earth for us to keep in touch this long after a hookup, except that we clicked on a human level of friendship over sex. During one of our text conversations he admitted that even if sex had never entered the picture that night, he would have wanted to stay in touch with me.
That alone, means more than any good piece of dick ever could.
Next, we have Robert who lives on the other side of my country. We briefly dated when he lived near me but life circumstances took him far away. He and I have never lost touch and I would die a slow death if we ever did.
Robert is just one of those good-through-and-through people that everyone should be lucky enough to have in their corner. He lights up my days with funny sexts, quirky poetry, and happy holiday messages.
The last time I saw him was on a flight stopover, three years ago.
I can’t even count the number of Andrews, Donovans, and Roberts I have in my circle, and I cherish each of them for what they bring to the table. I believe they are the reasons why I have never officially coupled up after my divorce. I don’t need to. I have everything I want.
The more of them I collect, the bigger my chances of having some sparkle added to all my days, whether I see them again soon, or not.
This may sound selfish to some. Why use men for sex and friendship without making an earnest attempt at being in a relationship?
Because that’s where things get sticky.
With a relationship comes expectation. Let’s just say Andrew and I decided to settle into something, for example. Immediately, we would have to work out the logistics of how we’re going to see each other again. Once that’s figured out, we would then have to decide who is going to uproot their life and sacrifice everything for this relationship.
If anything were to go wrong between us in the future, automatic resentment would occur, on the side of the person who uprooted in order to be together.
I would absolutely classify myself as a risk taker with life in general, but not with those I love. Friendships are too important to me to fuck things up on a whim.
“Friendship isn’t a big thing, it’s a million little things”
— Paulo Coelho
Like attracts like, and similar spirits naturally gravitate toward each other. I’ve never gone out of my way to try pursuing a real relationship with any of my men, and neither have they with me.
Obviously this means that each of us are content with the way things are. Why mess with a good thing?
