Off Writing: A Memoir On Screwing Up The Craft
How not to be an author or writer of anything.
First things first. Get your mind in order. Get ready to Rock & Roll. Strap on your rocket boosters and roar!
Attitude.
Begin by thinking you’re the best writer to ever grace planet Earth. Next, regard each word you scribble or record as being infallible. Continue by believing a grammar checker extension will catch most if not all mistakes you will never make anyway.
Summation complete. Let’s get into the nitty-gritty details.
1) Words
Don’t think you have to have any sense of spelling, verb agreement, or correct use of words. And, by all means, never use a thesaurus or have a good vocabulary.
Using words of any complexity will definitely have harmful effects on your writing. Any word over 2 syllables can just ruin decent sentences. (Regard my use of multisyllabic words as terrible writing please.)
However, if you want to get absurd and turn off your readers even more then use mostly long 4 and 5 syllable words you would never speak in a conversation. Make sure to write way over your head and by all means be as pretentious as you can.
2) Never Read
Emphasis must be put here. Do not dare to have a regular reading habit. Put the books down. Reading will only give your mind the chance to see better methods of writing.
You don’t need help.
You’re as good as they come!
Please remember not to pick up any manuals or references on becoming a better writer. Doing so is reading after all and you don’t want to stray off the path.
You’ve got awful writing to do.
3) Write For Anybody and Everything But Yourself
Be sure not to be passionate about having any feeling to express or message to convey. Your every word should have the reader trudging through your meaning and searching for the smallest bit of excitement or intrigue.
Be as tedious and difficult to understand as you can be.
Write for money. Write about what everybody else is writing about. Write carefully so you don’t offend anyone. Make sure your writing goes along with the mood of the day and you don’t expose family or friends to truths which may hurt feelings.
Why take chances? Play it safe and be boring. Your dreams of being a star author are already on the decline.
4) Drop the Description & Never Kill Your Redundancies
Who wants to have details in their reading? Forget about the necessity of giving a bunch of information on any subject that will potentially put the reader to sleep.
Just get to the point and forget painting a vivid picture.
Take time to write sentences that do not offer an alternative view or open up a deeper understanding of your ideas.
Repeating yourself with similar terms and excessive rambling will win you points toward the outcome you desire.
5) Do Drugs, Drink Excessively, Eat An Unhealthy Diet, and Do Not Exercise
Live in a stupor of intoxication as much as possible. You won’t find much inspiration for meaningful writing. Keep working on not writing the best you can.
A bad diet full of too much sugar and not enough nutrients, as well as no balance in proteins and carbs, ranks high on the priorities list. Health is overrated and can only lead to a faster clearer mind.
Why would you want that?
Importantly, consider exercise of any kind to be an outrageous affront toward getting to your destiny. Bad writing reality is so close and real.
6) Write Without A Destination In Mind
If you actually take time to sit down for more than 5 minutes of writing once every few weeks or so, don’t plan your subject or plot. Stare at the page or screen in front of you and hope for a magic theme.
Don’t waste your time before you write by jotting down a writing scheme or plan. For goodness sake please refrain from coming up with ideas and thinking about the direction in your plot or teaching.
There are quality hours of TV to be had. Binge watching series after series is needed to fulfill your desires of screwing up your writing. Don’t miss out.
Copying other writer’s styles could work for you. Change the wording and structure enough. Steal an idea to capitalize on. Do the right amount of alterations to make someone’s hard work your own and you're on your way.
7) Don’t Work Hard, Work Distracted, & Have No Urgency
Making yourself sit down and write is ridiculous. Only try to compose when you are having a magic moment of inspiration. Establishing a daily habit will drive you crazy and sap away time you could be spending playing video games.
The writing muse will show up whenever it does so be happy to attempt writing then.
Crucial to your not-so-good writing output involves having a ton of noise as well as little distractions around you while you write. Put the TV on, check your phone every minute for updates, chat with anyone close, or try eating to get yourself off task.
Worrying over getting ideas flowing and coherent shouldn’t be a concern. Give yourself the freedom to take as long as you wish between writing sessions and certainly have no goal aimed at concluding your work.
Once you begin writing a book it’s okay to just put the work down and forget about it until you decide to continue. A month or a year can pass. You’ll get back to in when you’re ready, no rush.
Chillax. It’s all good.
Remember to think you're the best writer to grace planet Earth. I have found all these special techniques aided me in the past to screw up my craft of writing.
The author of this story disavows himself of having written the story except for the whole thing. This story does not advocate using any of the above methods for any reason because words themselves are not actually typing this. Please take this entire story to be 100% true. The words are all true in that they have been recorded and are published and that is a fact.
The generator of this story denies any all responsiblity for your use of the advice provided unless, of course you make heaps of money with it, and then please send 10% of all profits to the writer. I’ll be waiting for your checks the same as the millions this platform is paying me.
If you find yourself disgruntled or disappointed with the tips given, don’t do them. That’s on you. But, if you garner great success please make sure to attribute all of your gains to the author of this article.
Thanks must be given to the great writer who inspired mocking his work but I won’t mention his name because you should know who it is.
