October Depression Days

They’re different from what they’ve been.

I’ve had a bit of a “depression day” today, with a lot of lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. I did enjoy the cool fall air that somehow managed to ghost its way through the bedroom wall this morning, but the arrival of my favorite season hasn’t lent me any motivation or feeling of possibility.

So far — and I suppose it could go up from here — the most productive thing I’ve done today has been to watch The Cabin in the Woods, movie number two of my personal October film festival.

This afternoon, as I added to my scary movie queue, felt the first breeze of fall, and noted a crushing sense of depression, I found myself reminded of the October eight years ago when I spent nearly all day every day watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer and preparing for an over-the-top Halloween party.

At that time in 2012, I wasn’t doing great. I’d had an unplanned pregnancy and abortion three months before. I was terribly unhappy in my relationship but also in denial. I was working only part-time, broke, and anxious about spending any money. I was depressed, obviously.

And in the previous year, I’d basically abandoned the creative paths that I’d to that point retained some hope in.

So that October, I latched on to the idea of a Halloween party — a really epic one, hoping that its creation would feel good and worthwhile.

I took inspiration from the Halloween festivals of my childhood and planned to fill the apartment with themed games, activities, food, and drinks. My dad loaned me some money for supplies, and my friends promised to pay cover. (Of course, no cover was paid and neither was that loan.)

I had decided on a haunted forest theme, and each area of the apartment would become a unique section of that forest.

There was a cannibal’s cabin, the lair of the giant black widow (that was my homemade costume), and two or three more sections that I honestly can’t remember. I planned and made themed food and cocktails and invented games or activities for each.

And, of course, because it was a haunted forest, I needed trees…

Thus much of the month of October became me sitting on the floor of the living room, watching Buffy and creating paper mache trees and branches out of newspapers and white plaster cloth.

Goddamnit, I was so proud of those trees.

It’s a weird and specific time in my life to think back to. My mind basically lived in Buffy’s Sunnydale, while my hands wrapped newspaper in plaster cloth and hours passed quickly in an otherwise quiet apartment.

The task, which felt sufficiently creative, legitimized my watching the show for all of my waking hours at home, and the show kept me from reality. (Sort of.)

It actually feels nostalgic in a dark and sort of masochistic way.

Ironically, by the night and time of the party, I was so tired and stressed out that I mostly wanted to collapse and go hide in the kitchen. I didn’t even take any good pictures, and I have no evidence that it happened at all.

It was an intense and sometimes lonely, effortful, month-long build-up to what for me proved anticlimactic and dissatisfying. Then it was over.

I still have days when the depression hits me like it did that month, or more accurately, that year. And in this season, perhaps more than any other, I often feel the collision of comfort and sadness.

But at this point in my life, it would be surprising if I spent a month in some classic TV show fueled project binge.

It’s much more likely that after a healthfully productive week in a sufficiently creative life, I suddenly just don’t get out of bed for a day or two. I don’t counter the depression with projects. I just let myself sit in it. Or more accurately, lie in it.

And then after that day or two, I rally. I get back to writing and to the other parts of my life. This seems to be how this goes, at least right now, and although I’m not totally comfortable with it, I’m trying to accept it.

So today is a day for bed, watching a scary movie, feeling a bit of the fall air, and allowing motivated productivity to come back when it will, as it always does.

Most likely by tomorrow, I’ll be up and involved in life again.