OCPD and Narcissism: A Particularly Challenging Relationship Dynamic

Part I: She Seemed to have OCPD

My ex had some maladaptive narcissistic behaviors which made life very difficult but, she also displayed features you would find with somebody that had Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder which were the driving force for her need to have absolute cleanliness in her house and total control of her environment in general.

You see, narcissism often embodies the image of perfection of one self where OCPD is often manifested in the preservation of perfection in the persons environment (office, home, workshop etc.). Narcissists themselves want to be perfect and sometimes as a side effect of their desire comes the perfectionism in their environment. The cleanliness of the environment is a reflection of the perfection they have achieved as a person. So they fuss over their space yet, the actual driving force is still the desire for portraying perfection of themselves.

With OCPD their environment needs to be perfect due to some fears of everything being wrecked if not perfectly preserved or cared for. That need to preserve is the driving force for a lot of their behaviors which can appear to be narcissisms need for perfection. As a result, there are a lot of people that have OCPD that may appear to their significant other as being a narcissist and may even be accused of being a narcissist when in reality they actually have OCPD.

To have OCPD and not actually be a narcissist is a lot more common than people think. Many people don’t understand that you must consider the behavior but more importantly you must look at the driving forces of the ‘narcissistic’ behavior in order to truly understand whether its narcissism or a comorbid disorder masking as narcissism. In all cases it comes down to motivating reasons and driving force.

Someone with OCPD will typically have their own way of doing things which they view as the ‘right way.’ They need the end product to be perfect in whatever they are doing. This ironically can leave them in a perpetual state of never getting anything finished as they fear they cannot ever get it into a perfect state.

In the case of my ex — she did not have the skills required to tackle the types of projects she had in mind so if something happened like a door was opened too fast and too wide putting a hole through a wall, that in itself would paralyze her and then would snowball with anxiety and paranoia into a nightmare. She couldn’t start anything because she couldn’t finish anything for fear she couldn’t get it up to her standards.

Combine that with the appearance of her narcissistic like need to be as perfect of a person as possible and you have yourself an ego crisis worthy of a horrific depression as she tumbles into feelings of being totally worthless and hopeless and unable to do anything right, falling into a migraine headache that turns into a 4 day slumber before you see her again.

Hence, primary reason why she brought me into the fold (the one with seemingly infinite patience) was for her daughter. When it came down to doing things at that house there is no other way than her way to get things done. That is every other way is the wrong way. It has to be the right way, and it will cause her some discomfort as the knowledge of it not being perfect will start eating away at her if it is not done ‘the right way.’

As a result those with OCPD can have low empathy when it comes to their property/environment and and any discomfort they feel as the result of your presence will be thought of as purposefully neglectful. They will think that you are intentionally leaving things out to drive them nuts and they will be firm on the fact there is foul play at hand.

If you were doing your weekly cleaning and your moving the vases around it became a production to put them back exactly how they were and I would have to readjust vases for five different times slightly changing the angle by one degree or pushing it back by one centimeter or to the left 5 cm. Everything had to be picture perfect like a museum, she even has an entire living room that is just for show.

All labels in the cupboard had to face outward. It was non-negotiable. There was a correct way to stack the dishwasher, a correct way to wash the plastics, a correct way to get food out of the refrigerator, everything needed to be wiped down immediately after having been touched so not to leave any fingerprints on the handle.

There was a level of intensity and stress present at all times that created an unbelievable tension from wondering what you forgot to put away, or what you missed that you should have cleaned up or wiped. Things that would not be significant to you would have a giant beacon over top of it saying ‘here is evidence that he does not care about my stuff.’

So you can imagine that a lot of the behaviors would seem narcissistic when you have low empathy and you worry about your possessions in such an obsessive way while you assume that when something isn’t done correctly that the person is doing it on purpose to get under your skin. Yes, this is what she would tell herself. It makes it inevitable that you’ll receive her secretive passive aggressive punishments.

Now, bear in mind this isn’t the case for all of the potential candidates for OCPD. There are other factors to consider too such as sliding scales of severity, comorbidities, and just the notion that you can’t pigeonhole people into one little group so neatly and succinctly, but in my particular situation — there was only one way to do things without being punished, and that was her way.