NSA investigates Medium
Applause extortion scams now under Federal microscope
WASHINGTON The National Security Agency, in response to requests by the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB) has launched an investigation of the writing website Medium.com. Sources close to the administration report that various individuals, including certain actors with alleged ties to the San Francisco company’s corporate headquarters, are engaging in audience building for financial gain through the use of various types of applause extortion scams. The CFPB has issued multiple warnings to to the public:
We ask consumers to be conscious of illegal activities asking for your applause. The violators include, but are not limited to: content marketers, self-help gurus, life-hackers, tech bros, collaborative writing efforts, personal requests to heal relatives with terminal conditions, animal activists, and clairvoyants claiming the world will end if you don’t follow their advice.
WARNING 1: A request to pay an innocent 4-year-old for his watch photographs.
Investigators have found that a professional photographer was hired to reproduce the image stylings of a four-year-old. The article claims that the innocent child will be paid one pound English sterling for each clap.
To complete the illusion of respectability, noted art critic Gutbloom posted this review analyzing the genius of the young artist’s vision:
In response to this elaborate ruse, CFPB officials have asked the author to provide invoices showing the actual transfer of funds to the alleged child. The board reiterates its warning that readers must be ready to un-clap these articles if no transparency is forthcoming.
In addition, the NSA reports that this writer may have connections with corporate headquarters, based on his report on life working for Medium.
Allegations of applause kick backs and other monetization schemes are being investigated at the moment. Company founder Ev Williams was unavailable for comment, and his public relations firm also refused to comment for this article.
WARNING 2: Animal lovers are being asked to support their favorite pets with headlines that trumpet
You must show your support for kitties
The CFPB states emphatically YOU MUST not BELIEVE THAT YOUR RECOMMENDATIONS WILL PREVENT DOG LOVERS FROM CHASING AWAY YOUR KITTY FROM MEDIUM, JUST LIKE THEY DO AT THE PARK.
WARNING 3: Animal lovers are also being asked to support dogs in much the same way with the appeal that
Puppies can’t live without your love
The CFPB reports that RECOMMENDING THIS POST WILL not CHANGE THE INTERNET FOREVER, GIVING DOGS PARITY WITH CATS ON YOUTUBE.
WARNING 4: Armageddon believers are being convinced that their online actions will cause the end of time for a beloved species if they do not follow a series of directions.
The CFPB report that if you encounter claims that BUNNIES WILL DIE SOMEWHERE IF YOU DO NOT DO 23 THINGS ARE COMPLETELY not TRUE.
The CFPB and NSA advise you to make sure you keep your applause close to you at all times.
Do not give them out to strangers who say they need gas money to get back to the farm, or teenagers selling magazines door-to-door in exchange for applause.
This concludes our public service announcement. We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.
