NPD and OCPD

They may say OCD but what they really have is OCPD

‘Don’t sit there, the upper living room is for decoration.’

There is a particular combination of traits which leaves an individual nearly intolerable to live with. The spouse will forever have work piled onto them and the standard expected for that work is perfection.

When you combine that with NPD you have someone that thinks they are perfect and they need everything around them in their lives to be perfect. It's a perfect storm.

Narcissists that suffer this way often know that there is something that is not quite right with them. They know that the level of perfection that they demand is more than anyone else and so when looking for reasons that things have to be a certain way or have to be perfect in their environment they will often claim to have OCD.

For some reason OCD is the only disorder that is acceptable to them to have because of the incorrect belief that OCD is associated with the compulsion toward perfection.

Perfection is ultimately what narcissists are trying to achieve in their life so this disorder then becomes something that makes sense and something that they don’t consider to be a bad thing. Some may even flaunt the title a little announcing to people that they have OCD often at work and when meeting other people.

OCD however is not actually what they are most likely to have. OCD has a few characteristics which do not fit with NPD. For instance OCD is egodystonic not egosyntonic which means that the person suffering from it is not living in a way that is in alignment with their ideals.

They are compelled to do these rituals and they actually feel bad that they have to demand these things from their family as well. Its a self esteem draining disorder that makes them feel chained to these compulsions in order to feel safe.

With OCPD there is a right way to do things because that is the way that person wants it done. There isn’t the ritual aspect of having to lock the lock eight times in order for it to truly be locked and safe.

This is the person’s belief or preference and if anything is out of alignment with that belief or preference then it causes them emotional discomfort to which they will often punish for and take personally as if the thing that wasn’t finished, was done on purpose and was a personal attack.

With OCPD there is a right way to put things in the cupboard and there is a right way to stack the dishwasher. They don’t feel bad about making their family comply, in fact they get mad at their family if they don’t comply. They often will feel it is their right to punish.

So when you combine the narcissistic need to be seen as perfect with OCPD and the need to have a person's environment perfect, then you have an individual that is extremely hard to please, devalues, and punishes to the extreme without empathy or restraint.

It is my unprofessional belief that individuals that have this comorbidity are the ones that strive for the white picket fence and the life to be envied by all that know them. These are the ones that will never break a law and rarely if ever cheat on their spouses.

This combination is no picnic for this sufferer as nothing is good enough unless its perfect and that is a standard that is impossible to hit. When combined with NPD defenses however there comes a filter for blame and fault that goes around them as long as there is a scapegoat.

I’ve seen the inner turmoil and this is one combination I am glad I have never experienced. Having said that, there is no empathy for you when you don’t meet the standard and with narcissistic defenses it ends up that your only purpose is to take all of the blame for everything.

You are there to save the sufferers ego by being the punching bag so they don’t have to turn it inward. You will pay for your love.

In the end, the spouse will never be able to sustain the standard that the narcissistic partner sets for them and they will inevitably burnout or pushback which will cause the devaluation cycle to begin and signals the beginning of the end of the relationship.

No one is good enough for these individuals. They can at times be seen as having given up looking for a partner. No one is good enough so they live on their own in a house that is more like a museum than a home.