Now What? I Want Reassurance
Chronicle of an Open Marriage #5
So today, someone who’s hooked up with my husband three times was “sexting” him, trying to make him horny so he’d set up another date. “Did it work?” I asked.
“It’ll pass,” hub said, and almost blushed.
So, yeah. It worked.
Sexting in the kitchen
After 40 years of fighting over Hubs not getting enough sex, I gave him my permission (make that enthusiastic blessing) to seek sex outside the marriage — for now. I want to make it clear that he didn’t ask for that; I suggested it. We’re trying this experiment for six months. And so far, indications are it’s a good direction for us.
But I still don’t know how to feel about him getting text messages in our kitchen from someone who is trying to get into bed with him. I don’t feel bad, exactly. But I do feel exercised. And a part of me wonders if I’m being tricked.
I’ve told three girlfriends about the situation (with his permission), and not one of them said, “Wow, Tris. Great idea!”
Two talked about protection — one emotional and one physical. The third moved on to other subjects. And unlike my usual complaints about my marriage, I don’t get the feeling that any one of these girlfriends wants to hear updates on this new storyline.
Hetero and homoerotic?
Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, I felt the need to assert my primacy. “Tell John you’re busy.” I told him. He did. Then we cuddled on the couch.
Did I mention that Hubs is hooking up with men? He is. So that’s another thing that has me wondering. Is my husband gay? Is he just in denial? Maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to keep him happy? Maybe it wasn’t because I didn’t want sex often enough, but because I’m a woman?
Hubs says he’s not gay. And honestly, judging by the way we are together in bed, I believe him. He’s not faking it. Why would he even bother? So I guess that means that he’s bisexual. Okay. I can wrap my head around that. I’ve wondered sometimes if I’m bisexual myself.
Suddenly open to alternatives
One thing I’m learning in the process of this experiment is I need to stop thinking “men are this way” and “women are that way,” because both my husband and I are unusual individuals (we don’t represent our genders), as shown by our willingness to open our marriage.
Our counselor says it’s happening a lot more than we think — the open marriage part, not the homosexual sex within a heterosexual marriage part. Yet he also says that few will understand our point of view. So isn’t that a contradiction?
My point of view is that our marriage wasn’t working. Once you’re in a corner, and about to lose something you value, you’d be surprised how open to new alternatives you become.
What I know so far
There are a lot of things I still don’t know. We’ve only been doing this for one month. He’s only had three trysts, all with the same man, who wasn’t a perfect match. (Do I really want him to find one of those?) He’s meeting with a different man next week.
Hubs thinks in the long run he’d like to find a guy he can hook up with maybe twice a month. Weekly seems obsessive, he says. I might be okay with that, in the long run. Then again, I might not.
“It’s like you going out with your girlfriends to the movies, or to book club, or to hear music,” he says. “But it’s more like playing tennis.”
We don’t play tennis. He puts his trysts on the (new, shared) calendar as “Jazzercise.”
Here’s what I know so far:
- We fight less
- I feel more affectionate towards him
- I feel more sexual towards him
- I don’t feel seriously threatened (but I do feel a tiny bit insecure)
- He’s more willing to try new things, like going to marriage counseling and sharing a google calendar
- He’s more cheerful
- He’s more self reflective
- He seems more grown up (a huge relief) and less dependent
- Our marriage feels like it’s getting some much-needed oxygen
Then there’s the joy of being the lover
All the years of our relationship, there’s been an imbalance. He’s wanted me more than I wanted him. He was the lover; I was the beloved. “It’s better than the opposite,” I’d tell myself, when we were having yet another fight about how I didn’t pay enough attention to him.
But the truth is, it wasn’t better. Sometimes he felt like an albatross around my neck, like a bottomless pit of neediness that I could never, ever fill.
But now? That tiny bit of insecurity I feel when he’s out at a tryst or communicating with someone who wants one? It’s refreshing! Now the balance in our relationship is shifting, and I get to be the lover for a change, and he gets to be the beloved.
“I want reassurance,” I tell him in a vulnerable voice while snuggling deep into his armpit on the couch.
He pulls me in closer. “I’m not going anywhere,” he says. And I believe it’s true.
What happened next? Read Chronicle of an Open Marriage #6. Find all of my stories about opening our marriage on the list below, or about sex in general on this one. Get an email whenever I publish. And have a lovely day.
