Now That You Are Better
What is Next?
When I first showed up for psychotherapy, I thought I’d move through it and emerge on the other side all well again.
Except, that didn’t happen. At the time, I thought I was cured. Eventually, something happened to trigger me. I don’t know what it was, but I was depressed again. Actually, I was double depressed because I was so disappointed that the first bout of therapy had not worked. Once again, I felt like I had failed.
A friend who, conveniently, was also a psychotherapist explained to me that the treatment for depression doesn’t end with your first treatment. He said you get stuff fixed as far as you can get fixed. You either run out of time, money, or interest in the therapy. Then, you enjoy life until you can’t anymore. He said what happens is your inner self says to your outer self, “Well, I see you did a good thing. You got as far as you were able to get. You took a year off, and now that you are stronger, you can take care of the next step.”
I doubt I will ever be “cured.” At least, it provides grist for the mill as I write.
What has proved interesting over the years is the number of therapists I’ve been to. Each is different. Each had their own training and experiences, and each was able to help me to open a different window. Each of those people has helped me to gain better insight into my mental health. Some would give me coping mechanisms to help me weather the first blasts of unhappiness. Some would give me the tools I needed to take over my own therapy and forge into an uncertain future.
What it looks like to me now is a sculptor who is chiseling away at a large rock. It takes a long time, but eventually, I begin to emerge. Again. It’s a pity it takes so stinking long. I have to remind myself it’s not the destination that matters, it is the journey.
What matters is that I lift each foot up. Every day. Without fail. And trust that through forward momentum, I am actually getting somewhere.
It matters that I am kind and loving toward myself. It matters that I take time off without feeling guilty.
I matter.
The Links: My friend Thayer’s book, Be Your Own Therapist, is available as a free online read via the Internet Archives.