Now That You Are 45, You Are Old Enough To Learn Where Babies Come From
It’s time you learned about the birds and the bees.
Your mother and I have been talking, and we think since you are well into your middle age, you are old enough now to learn where babies come from.
That “stork” story we told you when you turned 27? Absolute balderdash. You were too young to know the truth then.
Now, you may have noticed your body has gone through some changes lately. This is called “aging,” and you have been doing it for a while. It's why your knees hurt all of the time and you get tired way easier.
About three decades ago your body was undergoing different changes. This was called “puberty.” If you were feeling embarrassed and awkward about what was happening to your body back then — good news! — those changes were perfectly natural. I hope this information makes you feel more comfortable 30 years later.
Aside from making your existence a living hell, puberty also serves an important biological function: preparing you for procreation.
You probably started to notice the other kids in your school. And then the other kids at your college. And then your co-workers. And other patrons at bars and so-called “exotic dancers.” You probably became interested in knowing them and spending time with them. This is a ruse biology plays on you to trick you into having “sex.”
Sex is gross. It happens when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much or are feeling lonely. Alcohol may be involved.
When this happens they press their no-no parts together in a sweaty awkward display. Sometimes they think of someone they would rather be with to keep things going. This lasts until they “orgasm,” which is a sudden sensation that causes them to “come” to their senses and realize what a bad idea this all is. It is for this reason many participants will sometimes say “I’m coming!”
Somehow this all leads to pregnancy. Essentially a parasite forms inside the woman’s body and grows larger and larger until she expels it from her body as a baby.
And that is where babies come from.
Now please, move out of our house.