Now Serving Fabulous Seasonal Holiday Cold Foam Drinks!

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Abstract

CEO of global coffee conglomerate Schmucks. I’d like to take a moment to invite you and your fam bam to fill my coffers this holiday ‘szn’! Express holiday joy through capitalism and cast off hangovers with our new cold foam drinks.My favorite is our refreshing Parsley Peppermint Polenta Pistachio Chocolate Cabbage Cream Cold Foam. A single sip can keep your seasonal affective disorder at bay for at least one hour! Let the richness transport your mind away from those 20.72% APR credit card balances or those painful gallstones.No matter how hot the Earth gets each year, you can now cool down with these foam doozies! When you’re done, feel free to shove your single-use cup into a whale’s blowhole or something —

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IDGAF. You can’t see the trash when you’re a mile up in the sky with a supermodel.I assure you, you’ll be foaming at the mouth for our new drinks! I practically bit my executive assistance after I tried one! Luckily, I stopped myself when I realized I wasn’t in Dubai anymore. Rawr!Oh — please stop asking if we ethically source our sugar. And remember, we love schmucks at Schmucks!Warmly, Merry Holidaymas!<figure id="1f45"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*NlA2y9ppzv1DPfc5PDM1xQ.png"><figcaption></figcaption></figure>YES, I’ve purchased a globally exploitative latte before, so please stop emailing me about it.</article></body>

Now Serving Fabulous Seasonal Holiday Cold Foam Drinks!

Get your mustache wet and tickled with these new offerings!

Hi folks! I’m Howie Schultz, once and future CEO of global coffee conglomerate Schmucks. I’d like to take a moment to invite you and your fam bam to fill my coffers this holiday ‘szn’! Express holiday joy through capitalism and cast off hangovers with our new cold foam drinks.

My favorite is our refreshing Parsley Peppermint Polenta Pistachio Chocolate Cabbage Cream Cold Foam. A single sip can keep your seasonal affective disorder at bay for at least one hour! Let the richness transport your mind away from those 20.72% APR credit card balances or those painful gallstones.

No matter how hot the Earth gets each year, you can now cool down with these foam doozies! When you’re done, feel free to shove your single-use cup into a whale’s blowhole or something — IDGAF. You can’t see the trash when you’re a mile up in the sky with a supermodel.

I assure you, you’ll be foaming at the mouth for our new drinks! I practically bit my executive assistance after I tried one! Luckily, I stopped myself when I realized I wasn’t in Dubai anymore. Rawr!

Oh — please stop asking if we ethically source our sugar. And remember, we love schmucks at Schmucks!

Warmly, Merry Holidaymas!

YES, I’ve purchased a globally exploitative latte before, so please stop emailing me about it.

NEW DRINKS

Now Serving Fabulous Seasonal Holiday Cold Foam Drinks!