Now Isn’t The Time To Test Friendships

It’s time to be a friend

I’ve read quite a few articles recently that discuss what it means to be a real friend. They say that “when times are tough, you realise who your true friends are”.

People are upset and disappointed because their friends haven’t been there for them during this global health crisis.

However, this is a situation where the saying doesn’t apply.

There isn’t a single person that isn’t affected directly or indirectly by the virus.

How about we stop challenging our friendships and try to be a little more considerate with our expectations?

When times are tough for everyone, you shouldn’t be testing your friendships.

We Cope Differently

It’s incredibly important to understand that we all have different coping strategies and support networks during times of stress. The surprise for some people is realising that people you expected to be part of your support network, simply aren’t there.

Please note that they are doing their best to cope as well.

Different circumstances and personality types require different coping strategies.

For example, a single extrovert living alone in a small studio apartment will have different needs compared to an introvert who lives with their entire family in a large home.

Some people are in need of attention while others wish to be left alone.

We need to respect each other more than ever, especially if we consider them our friends.

It’s Not The Time To Keep Score

Yes, some of your friends haven’t messaged you back since the pandemic started. A few others have ghosted you as well. And some people you least expected to hear from, have messaged you to see how you are doing.

Now is not the time to log who called you. It’s not the time to see who is reaching out. It’s not the time to keep score.

I know you are probably having a tough time but so is everyone else. You don’t need to call anyone to figure that out. In the same way, they don’t need to call you to know you are probably having a tough time too.

Different groups of people will be affected differently.

Don’t judge your friendships by whether someone messages you or not. You don’t know what is going on in their household. Sure, you can ask but accept that they may not be in a position to answer.

Even if your friends don’t keep in touch, you can assume no friend of yours wishes any malice towards you.

It’s Time To Be A Friend

Sometimes we can get caught up in our own personal problems that we ignore the needs of others.

Some people naturally cope better in times of stress. Some are in more privileged positions so they can stress less.

If you’re not doing great right now, taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s what you need to do. You shouldn’t be afraid to reach out for help either.

Conversely, if you are in a position to reach out and help, you should. Even if “helping” is just telling someone that you are thinking of them.

It means the world to know that someone cares about you.

Friendships like all relationships can be complicated.

I’ll finish by telling you about one of my best childhood friends.

He lives in the city we grew up in. He rarely ever answers casual messages that read “Hi, how are you?” but he always responds to specific messages like “Want to do X on Saturday?”.

If I am in town, he will be the first person to show up. We can talk about anything and we always have a great time together.

Currently, he is incredibly busy at work. The company he works for is making thousands of people redundant. On top of this, he is a long term sufferer of anxiety and depression (he has been since we were kids).

His avoidance of casual messages is a coping strategy. It prevents overwhelm. I don’t feel any ill will when he ignores my messages. I certainly don’t take it personally.

I also understand that my check ins could be a source of stress if things aren’t going well. Sometimes, I will just send him a statement like “I hope you are doing well.” with no expectation of getting a response.

My point is, friendships are nuanced and particular to each person.

Sometimes, we ask a lot from our friends who have a lot to deal with on their own. We expect more from them than we should.

It’s time to stop evaluating our friends and stop judging them.

It’s time to start being a friend again.