Now is the Time to Let Go Of Contention

On humbling yourself and making peace during a time of crisis

We’ve all got far too much time on our hands these days. Time to think about our futures and ponder the past. Of course it’s easy to think about things in terms of, “What if I never made it out of this pandemic alive? Have I done all I can to be a better human?”

As the rate of confirmed cases continues to climb, and not knowing exactly when the danger will subside we’re all very on guard.

I’ve been going on a lot of long walks with my mother since self isolation began a couple of weeks ago. She and I are practically neighbors and we’re the only company each other is keeping lately. We’re both safe.

But are we?

My mother is 72 years old and has lived through her lungs collapsing many years ago. Though she’s a tough and vibrant old lady we’re both aware that she’s probably categorized within the high risk sector of the current pandemic.

I think about this a lot because in my extended circle there are more estranged family members than normal ones. It’s almost a pandemic in itself with the number of people who refuse to talk to each other and make peace.

Those who have chosen to remove themselves from our family have done so for self imposed reasons, without enlightening anyone else. They have their own ideas of how families should operate and if you don’t fall into those ideas and guidelines, you’re no longer welcome.

My mom and I believe families should operate on unconditional love and forgiveness, so we don’t seem to fit into conditional slots. This leaves us as two dangling leaves on a family tree that can’t flourish. Our tree looks like a long winter is kicking in.

Now that this shit show is upon us I can’t help but wonder how all those estranged ones will feel if, let’s just say, my mother never made it through.

What if my sister, who has been absent for at least five years, decided to come around the bend in another five years, only to find out her mother passed away a long time ago? Will the standoff have been worth it? Did she accomplish what she wanted to?

What if my mother had to lay on her death bed wondering where her other daughter was. Or where two of her three grandchildren, and both of her great grandchildren were?

I dare say that if my mom was on death’s door and I was by her side, she wouldn’t be laying there grateful that I’m the one who showed up. She would be full of sorrow and sadness on her way out, and that is the greatest tragedy of all.

Don’t these people realize that life is finite? Once it’s gone, it’s gone. There’s no undoing the past after a loved one passes on. There is only the what ifs that will never be answered.

“What if I had humbled myself sooner and enjoyed the last good years she lived?”

“What if I would have just swallowed my pride and made peace?”

I’m not trying to be morbid in times when we need upliftment, but these are real questions I have. How is it that only my mother and I can see this global crisis for what it really is, and have a desire to make peace before it’s too late?

Over all the years our family has been enduring this battle of egos, I’ve sat back a hundred times and wondered, “Is it us?” If my mother and I are the only two people banded together, is it something we’re doing wrong? Are we the common denominator?

We can’t be, because we are good people. We continuously and unconditionally support those who need it. We have willingly overlooked and forgiven what I consider atrocious behavior, just to maintain a family connection.

Unfortunately it has never been enough. Our estranged family members just can’t seem to let go of their own perceptions with an understanding that we all experience life through our own lens.

We will never be the people we wish each other were so we need to accept each other exactly how we are.

What really matters in the end anyway? Is it how long you can hold a grudge or how much effort you invest in forgiveness in order for a family unit to prevail?

My mother and I are hardcore fans of the TV show, This Is Us. We watch it religiously and text back and forth throughout each episode.

Fictional or not, THAT is a family who continuously overcomes odds and adverse situations with style and grace. It doesn’t matter if it’s just great script writing, there are real families out there who function the same way. There are real families with much worse circumstances than ours, yet they’re strong enough to remain a cohesive family unit.

Just last week, at the end of a a really good episode I sent a message to my mom that read, “OMG can we just go find a new family now?”

My goal was to make her laugh a little but in reality, I know she probably felt the same way I did. We don’t want a new family because we love the people in OUR family. They just can’t seem to love us back. They can’t seem to communicate their issues in an effort to resolve them.

We don’t even know what their issues are so how can we address them? And why isn’t family unity the most important thing, now that mankind is under siege?

When I visualize my mom, I see her as a Matriarch. She has always been the glue that holds everyone together. She raised two daughters on her own, she accepted a son-in-law who doesn’t treat her other daughter right, she has supported the extensive trials and tribulations of one of her grandsons.

Then she was blessed with two great grandchildren from two women who have been less than pleasant toward our family from day one. Yet my mother accepted them anyway.

Above all, she has been more than emotionally and financially supportive toward any family member who has been in need. She is our rock.

And now, at this late stage in her life there’s no one left for her. All of her good will has gone to waste for the sake of ego. The only two people left who still cling to the family tree are myself and my son.

I just can’t help but feel that in the face of this pandemic, the MOST important thing is family unity and kicking this thing in the ass together!

We shouldn’t have to be sending blind text messages to people asking — rather, begging — for information on whether they’re okay.

Now is not the time for ego, it is the time for human spirit.

It’s high time for people to come together, address issues, make peace and be awesome. We need that more than we need to be divided based on principal.

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