Nothing Left but the Grounds

Over Coffee Issue 14

Hello, my beautiful babies. Welcome to what will probably be the most depressing issue of Over Coffee you’ve read to date. I’ll warn you right now, if you’re not in the mood to read something that will dampen your mood, turn back. Also, there may be some rather strong language from here on out. Fair warning.

Okay, I’ll try not to make this whole thing a total bummer. However, my life has gone from so-so to WTF!!! I always try to be happy and upbeat, but it’s becoming harder and harder every day. I’m struggling to find things to inspire me, other than you guys. Here’s the whole ugly scenario.

As I’ve mentioned before, I became very sick last November. I just didn’t go into details. The truth is, I almost died. I was at work one day and felt as though something exploded in my abdomen. I went to the doctor only to find out I had two grapefruit-sized pockets of infection in there and that my colon was spewing poison into my system.

I ended up in the hospital for a week on a steady drip of heavy-duty antibiotics. It seemed things were getting better so I went home, then back to work. That ended on December 6th.

I ended up back in the hospital on another antibiotic drip, but also ended up with a drainage bag inserted into one of my butt cheeks. Seriously, that shit hurt worse than what was happening in my gut. I spent another week there, then got sent home with the drainage back still in place.

I got through Christmas and the New Year without too much trouble, other than the fact that I was always in pain. I was trying to stay inspired, but something was going on in our home that I felt but didn’t really see coming.

I noticed that my husband seemed to be on edge all the time. He was pissed off all the time, screaming at everyone around him, and didn’t seem to want anything to do with me. Then it happened. On January 22nd, he decided to have a mid-life crisis and moved out. It zapped whatever creativity I had left in me.

I spent the first whole week doing nothing but crying. I refused to get out of bed, except to put together my prompt posts. I tried to make them seem normal, but inside, I was dying. I’m all alone except for my granddaughter, who has taken on the role of a nurse. She’s been my rock.

I’m still on medical leave. I’m home alone all day while the grandbaby is at school and I’m spending way too much time in my own head. I’m on a lot of restrictions, including a “no driving” restriction. Because of this, my husband loaned his pick-up to a friend and has taken my car. I will say that he has made sure to take me to the store and doctor appointments as needed.

As of this posting, I still have the drainage bag in place, though hoping to get it removed this week. If that happens, I should get my car back and will be going back to work on Monday. I think I need that more than anything else. Unfortunately, I’m one of those people who could become a shut-in without any problem.

I’m not posting this to try and get any sympathy. Honestly, I just need to get all this out of my head. I’m hoping that if I get this out, I’ll find my inspiration again. The more I try to write, the more I feel as though my words are forced. I don’t want to do that.

I don’t know what’s going to happen between me and my husband. He says he wants to work things out, but has a strange way of showing it. I’m growing my balls back and looking for other ways of making a little extra money so if things go south, I’ll be ready. Even in my darkest hour, I’m not going to become someone’s pet. Not even his. I love him more than he’ll ever know, but I’m done being someone else’s bitch.

Thank you for letting me get these things off my chest and out of my head. I’m shaking just typing this, wondering if I’m doing the right thing or if I should just keep it inside. I know that’s not healthy, but I hate laying my problems on other people.

If you’ve made it this far, I promise I’ll be okay. I always am. I’ve been through worse and come out a better person. I have a granddaughter who depends on me and I won’t let her down. I can’t.

If you have any suggestions on how I can make a few extra bucks online, I’d love to hear them. I’ve even thought about working for a few of those content mills, but am hoping that will be a last resort. I just have to believe that something will come my way. Without hope, I might as well throw in the towel.

Again, thank you for listening. I really appreciate it. I hate writing these types of posts, but sometimes it helps just to get it out. I need to get my inspiration back. I need my muse to come back, but she’s not really speaking to me at the moment. Fickle little bitch.

Okay, I think I’m done. Let’s hope this gets me on the “write” track again. I need to write. It’s what I do. It’s what I love.

Until next time, Happy Writing!!!

Christine Graves has more than 30 years of writing experience under her belt. She runs a website for writers called Graves Publications, runs four publications here on Medium, and puts out a free bi-monthly newsletter for her readers. Click here to keep up with Christine’s latest posts.