Nothing Bad Will Ever Happen to Philadelphia Again

The Eagles win marks the beginning of an age of Philadelphia dominance you can’t even begin to imagine…

The Philadelphia Eagles beat my Minnesota Vikings on Sunday to head to their first Super Bowl in 13 years. But they didn’t just beat the Vikings. They demolished them. They utterly annihilated them. The final scoreboard read 38-7 and it wasn’t even that close. For one evening, Nick Foles became a demigod as the Eagles ran roughshod on the league’s #1 defense.

And that was all just the beginning for the good city of Philadelphia. You see, Sunday, January 21st, 2018, was an historic day for the city of Philadelphia.

Because nothing bad will ever happen to Philadelphia again.

The Eagles head to the Super Bowl in two weeks flying high, and their momentum continues as they avenge their Super Bowl XXXIX loss, beating the New England Patriots 24–21 to win the Super Bowl for the first time in franchise history.

Super Bowl MVP Nick Foles becomes the first player in Super Bowl history to record a passing, rushing, and receiving touchdown in the same game, and the Eagles’ defensive line batters 40-year-old Tom Brady into submission all game. Brady is exposed so badly that he retires glumly in the locker room after the game, and Bill Belichick follows him out the door as the Eagles defeat football’s Evil Empire once and for all. Jerry Jones is so shocked by the sudden retirement that he dies from a heart attack, and ownership of the Dallas Cowboys goes over to Kenneth Lay and the Enron family. Donovan McNabb dry heaves in excitement.

The Super Bowl win caps an incredible week for Philadelphia, fresh off the crowning of new NFL MVP Carson Wentz just days before. Wentz finishes one off the league TD lead despite missing three and a half games and watching the magical playoff run from the sidelines.

Now that Nick Foles has taken the GOAT reins from Tom Brady, Philadelphia confidently trades their ACL-tattered MVP to the Cleveland Browns for the #1 and #4 picks, then adds local studs Saquon Barkley and Minkah Fitzpatrick to their already sterling roster as they head into the offseason.

The Eagles win the next three consecutive Super Bowls, all of them against the Pittsburgh Steelers. They never concede a point.

Things are almost as good on the hardwood.

Joel Embiid becomes the first pick in the All-Star Game draft. He wins All-Star MVP with 38 points and 26 rebounds and scores a date with Rihanna en route to an MVP season. He never gets hurt again.

Ben Simmons learns how to shoot. He becomes the first rookie in NBA history to average a triple-double. But he loses Rookie of the Year to teammate Markelle Fultz, who is so good when he returns from shoulder surgery post- All-Star Break that he steals the award.

The 76ers shock the Boston Celtics in the first round and take the Cleveland Cavaliers to seven games. LeBron James is so impressed he chooses Philadelphia when he leaves Cleveland this summer.

J.P. Crawford and Mickey Moniak tear up spring training for the Phillies and get the early call-up, then battle neck and neck for Rookie of the Year all season. Philly native Mike Trout, incensed after losing his spot in the batting order to Shohei Ohtani, demands a trade to the up and coming Phils.

Sean Couturier wins whatever the MVP is called in hockey and leads the Flyers to the Stanley Cup Finals after dismissing the hated Penguins. Eric Lindros comes out of retirement and helps Philadelphia lift the Cup for the first time in four decades, then wins the Lady Bing Trophy.

Villanova locks up another 1-seed and successfully survives the opening weekend of March Madness. Notre Dame beats Penn State in the College Football Playoff championship. Philadelphia gets a WNBA team and makes it all the way to the Finals in their first year before losing to the Minnesota Lynx. War Admiral’s great, great grandhorse wins the Triple Crown. Someone even buys a Philadelphia Union jersey.

Philadelphia’s reign of dominance begins to extend beyond the sports world.

They make a seventh Rocky sequel and it doesn’t totally suck. Sylvester Stallone finally gets his Academy Award. Overweight Philadelphians run the Rocky steps for months in celebration, increasing their collective life expectancy to the golden age of 54.

Philadelphia gets the new Amazon center and the new Apple center. The city new business model explodes and is named U.S. capital once again, ousting Washington, D.C., for the first time since 1800. Philadelphia is chosen to host the 2024 Summer Olympics.

Kobe Bryant returns home to Philadelphia and is elected mayor. Will Smith goes into the Hip Hop Television Hall of Fame. Nic Cage recovers the original Declaration of Independence from the Illuminati and returns it to its rightful place in the Philadelphia Museum of Art.

The Liberty Bell crack finally gets fixed. People eat scrapple and like it. Boathouse Row becomes the new Rodeo Drive. People outside of Philadelphia watch and enjoy the movie Invincible. Sweet Dee wins the lottery and buys Frank and the boys a one-way ticket to Mars.

The Rocky statue comes to life. It runs for President and wins, with the Phillie Phanatic as its running mate.

Philadelphia hosts the nation’s tricentennial. Joey Chestnut eats 283 Philly cheesesteak sandwiches to retain the Nathan’s championship belt.

After 300 long years, people actually like Philadelphians for the first time ever.

Well… maybe some of them.

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