Notes on the Vital Act of Kissing

First kisses, platonic kisses, passionate kisses, and everything in between

What is it about kissing that is so intoxicating? Or even just sweet? Why is it we seek out this act of communion whether with lovers, family, or friends?

I seek kisses everywhere. My lips are always hungry.

I always kiss my nieces and nephews on the tops of their heads when I hug them hello. And goodbye. In their infancy, I’ve never been able to keep my lips off them. With Alex and Mabel, 11 and 4 months old as I write this, I literally will rest my lips on top of their head while I’m holding them because I just want to give them a 4-day-long kiss. I cannot get enough.

Romantically speaking, I dream of kisses as much as I dream of sex — which is saying a lot. I love long, slow kisses. I love tongues touching and the way it makes me involuntarily groan. I love kissing before sex. I really love kissing during sex. And I love kissing just to kiss.

How she felt when he kissed her — like a tub of roses swimming in honey, cologne, nutmeg and blackberries.

— Samuel Sullivan Cox

First Kisses

I love to have the patience and confidence from a partner who waits for me to initiate a first kiss.

At 12, my first boyfriend pressured me to kiss him and finally kissed my cheek without permission after I’d refused a lip-to-lip kiss on several occasions. I didn’t mind the kiss on the cheek, except that it came with so much pressure.

My first mouth-on-mouth kiss happened when I was 19. We were lying on his bed, watching a movie. Well, he might have been watching the movie. I was desperate for him to kiss me and couldn’t figure out a way to ask him. So I finally tipped my face up and slightly puckered my lips.

Incredibly, it took him at least five long, torturous minutes to finally move, but when he bent down and kissed me, it was just as amazing as I’d hoped it would be. He had plump, beautiful lips that felt so good against mine.

I also remember the man who invited me into his bedroom and upon closing the door and turning the lights out, he tackled me — yes, tackled me — to the ground and pressed his lips against mine with an uncomfortable fervor and then broke away, saying, “I just wanted to get that over with.” Yes, seriously, he said that. Seeing where things were going, I simply directed him to my nipples and thankfully, he was much more skilled with that part of my body.

There are other first kisses that I don’t really remember. And later, another man who tackled me onto his bed and clumsily, almost violently kissed me, then pulled away and said, “I just wanted to get that over with.” Yes, seriously, that scenario played out twice with two different men.

The second guy, however, knew how to course-correct and we ended up having seven very satisfying years of sex after that awful first kiss.

The kiss itself is immortal. It travels from lip to lip, century to century, from age to age. Men and women garner these kisses, offer them to others and then die in turn.

— Guy de Maupassant

How to initiate first kisses

Here’s a secret: There is no foolproof way of getting a first kiss right. First kisses are awkward and scary and exciting and sexy and there’s no way around that. Embrace the awkwardness.

But I’ll tell you what I’ve learned from lots of first kisses.

Read the situation as best you can. If your partner seems nervous or hesitant wait. Let them take the initiative. But if they are clearly demonstrating interest, go for it. Make the first move.

Most importantly, do not force the first kiss. To be specific, no tackling should be involved. Do not kiss with dispassionate vehemence or clinical insistence.

And never, ever utter the words, “I just wanted to get that over with.”

Kisses kept are wasted; Love is to be tasted.

-Edmund Vance Cooke

Kiss everyone

Enjoy kisses from loved ones and give plenty of your own. Don’t limit kisses to romantic relationships and your children. What a terrible waste of a good pair of lips.

Parents

Since my mom hit 60, she’s been very into kisses. She kisses me and my siblings like a French woman — one kiss on each cheek. Occasionally, she’ll offer a kiss on the lips, like she used to when I was a little girl. I always take these. These kisses from your mother are a gift. Receive them with gratitude.

My dad occasionally kisses me on the cheek, or I kiss him on his. It’s a nice little moment of affection.

Kids, nieces, nephews

I love to kiss my little demons. Tops of heads, cheeks, fingers. If they’re okay with it, I go for it. Every one of my kisses is a blessing that I offer them.

I love to receive their kisses, too. Baby Alex often clumsily grabs me by the cheeks and pulls me forward while making random, monosyllabic exclamations, then plants his open mouth on my nose or the side of my lips and anoints me with his excessive drool, so proud of himself. There’s no better kiss in the entire world than that.

Friends

Yes, my dears, friends. It has been my goal for the past year to deepen intimacy in my life even in platonic relationships. I don’t believe that one romantic relationship is enough to sustain all of a person’s needs. We need love, we need affection, we need touch from a variety of sources to fill up our hearts each day.

My best friend, Sunny, and I talked about this last spring and she told me she really wanted to start kissing her friends on the cheek. I was incredibly nervous about this because I realized we were becoming quite close and dammit, she would probably want to experiment on me. At the time, I wasn’t quite ready for that.

But over the months, I realized how important it is to push through discomfort and be willing to try things that scare you. So I told her I was ready — she could lay one on me any time she wanted.

And she did. And it wasn’t so bad.

Over the next few months, I returned her cheek kisses, but dear god, I was so awkward, it was embarrassing. I always made a “mmmmmm-wah!” sound, like I do with the kids. It’s cute when I do it to the kids, but not with Sunny.

But guess what? Over time, the whole thing stopped feeling so awkward and became much more natural. And yes, I stopped making a sound effect every time I kissed her.

What was scarier was when my other bestie, Frank, kissed me on the lips last fall. We hadn’t talked about it at all, even though we were extremely physically affectionate with one another already. I instinctively pulled away and then felt like an idiot. Then I leaned in for a do-over and it was even more awkward than the pull-away.

I decided to talk about it rather than pretend the whole thing hadn’t happened and we discussed continuing to experiment with it. Again, it felt awkward and weird the first few times and I was convinced I’d have to tell him I just wasn’t into it.

And then one day, we did it in perfect sync and it felt wonderful. It was such a sweet expression of our love for one another and it felt so natural.

So I won’t lie — kissing your friends might be hard at first, but in the end, it’s totally worth it.

Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.

-Bernard Meltzer

So kiss.

Kiss like you’re going to die tomorrow. Kiss like the world will end. Kiss as if kissing was as important as the act of breathing.

Kiss in blessing. Kiss in love. Kiss in passion.

Kiss until the world is healed.

© Yael Wolfe 2020