IRelationship | Intimacy
Not Tonight, Dear — I’m Dead
Avoiding unwanted sexual advances
As a long-hauler married woman, I’m nearing close to four decades with the same man. I’ve employed an array of different types of excuses to avoid having sex with my husband. I’ve headaches, backaches, toothaches, foot aches, ear aches, and stomach aches.
My avoidance equation: Body Part + Ache = No Sex tonight, dear.
Such it is as we age. It’s nothing new. The female species has been crafting inventive strategies to elude the romantic advances of their partners since time immemorial. Interestingly, this art of refusal transcends species and isn’t confined to human beings.
Sometimes, it’s not just about physical discomfort; there are times when females like me simply don’t feel like doing it. We’ve worked all day and then come home to the second shift of domestic work. Having sex is the last thing on our minds.
Unfortunately, saying simply “I don’t feel like it” sometimes upsets my husband, making him feel less attractive and desirable. (He has feelings too.) But, frankly, when I lack enthusiasm and have exhausted my repertoire of excuses, the prospect of catering to his needs after a taxing day at work is the furthest thing from my mind.
There is good news for us female humans. Scientists have discovered alternative options besides the classic “Sorry dear, not tonight, I have a headache.”
Cross-Species Sexual Avoidance Strategies
Apparently, female humans are not the only species devising tactics to sidestep sexual advances. Funnel-weaving spiders have come up with quite a bizarre and kinky way of avoiding sexual advances — playing dead. Weaving spiders curl up and feign death to avoid sexual advances. Imagine saying: “Sorry, dear, not tonight, I’m dead.”
These kinky spiders engage in a form of sexual catalepsy used to describe a behavior observed in some female spiders during mating. It involves the female spider curling up and remaining immobile as if in a fixed and rigid physical state in which limbs remain in whatever position they are placed.
It’s a rather unconventional approach to rejection, one that, I must admit, I attempted a few nights ago after a particularly exhausting day of work drama. I was utterly spent, and when my husband entered the room, I held my breath, didn’t move, didn’t budge — I played dead.
However, I soon realized that my attempt at emulating these kinky spiders might not have been the best approach. Sometimes, a person can be married forever and not know certain things, like what if he was into necrophilia? As far as I know, I don’t think he is.
(Are you, dear? Do you wanna shag a corpse?)
Spiders and tired mothers/wives/workers are not the only species faking death to avoid sex; European common frogs do as well. “Ribbit. Not tonight dear.” European frogs have a particular reason to play dead; if they don’t, they will be gang raped by several male frogs. (Sorry, nature can be brutal).
In the world of frogs, males outnumber females so that six or more males compete to hump a female at one time in what is referred to as a mating ball. Sadly, according to Carolin Dittrich, females might often be killed inside the mating ball.
In the video below, notice how the female frog feigns her death to avoid sex with the male.
Old frogs like me don’t have to worry as much about being crushed inside a mating ball. Who wants an old frog? Horny male frogs prefer younger female frogs who have to employ every strategy up their young webbed-hind feet to avoid the barrage of unwanted sexual advances. Young frogs face a daunting challenge, with a virtual fifty-fifty chance of successfully evading the overwhelming gang of male predators.
The Dragonfly Approach
Escaping sexual advances from unwanted males is nothing new for females. It seems there are more and more ways to do this. According to scientist Rassim Khelifa from the University of Zurich, Switzerland, daredevil dragonflies use an areal theatrical approach when stalked by male sexual predators — they nosedive to the ground and simulate their own demise.
The female then lay motionless on her back. Her suitor soon flew away, and the female took off once the coast was clear. (Khelifa)
The underlying reason for these dramatic aerial displays can be attributed to the precarious situation female moorland hawker dragonflies find themselves in during the egg-laying process. Unlike certain other dragonfly species, they lack the protective presence of male partners.
Khelifa’s research findings shed light on the behavior of these female dragonflies during this vulnerable phase. It appears that, during this time, they often seek refuge amidst the dense vegetation near ponds, presumably as a means of concealment. Upon emerging from their hiding spots, they frequently engage in a striking performance, simulating their own demise to dissuade unwanted suitors.
I can’t fly, so, no, I haven’t tried the dragonfly approach. I have, however, faked falling off a surfboard onto the rocks to ward off sexual advances. (I know, right?).
Why? You are asking. Why not just tell the truth? Be honest? Well, long-term marriages are complex, and sometimes, a touch of fabrication and creativity can ease the tension and provide individual space to grow and rest. After all, doing life with a long-term partner, spanning decades of shared experiences, is a delicate balancing act. It’s not for the weak of mind, body, and spirit. It takes courage and fortitude to stick to a lifelong relationship commitment.
Yes, honesty is the cornerstone of any strong relationship, but for some, the occasional fib and imaginative ploy is the spice that keeps the flame burning.
Mary Cappelli is a tight-rope walker trying to figure things out one step at a time.
