Not Quite “Fake” News You Can Use

Exploring the intimate lives of Mr. Potato Head and his bride — oh, and Texans still really, really hate “Fled Cruz”

Instead of “doomscrolling” my way through this pandemic, I’ve decided “weirdscrolling” would be a better hobby. Here are 10 more of the odd — but entirely true — news clips I’ve come upon recently. After last week’s reception, this looks like it might just be a regular deal. Volume 1, Number 2 of weird but not quite “fake” news, coming at you!

Are they a couple or not?

American toy company Hasbro says it wants to be more “inclusive,” so it’s decided to drop the “Mr.” from its spud-centric toy that has been called “Mr. Potato Head” since 1952. At press time, however, the company appeared to be wanting to have its curly fries and eat them, too, tweeting the following: “While it was announced today that the POTATO HEAD brand name & logo are dropping the ‘MR.’ I yam proud to confirm that MR. & MRS. POTATO HEAD aren’t going anywhere and will remain MR. & MRS. POTATO HEAD.” Weird, huh?

That’s the way the cookie crumbles

In related food news, the Oreo cookie brand, which is owned by Nabisco, appeared to tweet in favor of President Biden’s transgender Health and Human Services deputy secretary nominee Rachel Levine, who was grilled by Kentucky Senator Rand Paul during a recent confirmation hearing. “Trans people exist,” the sandwich cookie’s account declared. Just an FYI: Oreos have been around since 1912–way longer than Mr. Potato Head — and are the best-selling cookie in the United States. So Mr. Rand had best stand back and stand by.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry

Former Veep Mike Pence says he has maintained an “amicable” relationship with his former boss, Clownface Caligula. Meeting with a group of House Republicans, Pence revealed that the two men have spoken exactly twice since leaving office January 20. Pence insists his bond with the former occupant of the Oval Office remains strong, despite the Orange Oaf’s anger at his VP, resulting in the U.S. Capitol Insurrection and jeopardizing Pence’s life. Sounds like they’re besties, doesn’t it? Apparently, this guy’s obsequiousness knows no bounds.

Shake that money-maker

Speaking of the Tweeto Cheeto, many pundits — including his niece, Mary Trump — have opined that Trumplethinskin will “pretend” to run for president again in 2024 because “it’s the best money-maker he’s ever had”.

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride

And in more news about “the former guy”, the proprietor of Mar-a-Stinko is using the club’s bridal suite these days as an office. We always knew this whole deal was just a marriage of convenience.

So funny I forgot to laugh

Overheard several times on Twitter: Politicians Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, John Cornyn and Rick Perry get stranded on a desert island. Who survives?

Texas. Get it?

What’s in a name?

If you’re tired of using “Cancun Cruz” to disparage Texas’ junior senator, the Interwebs have tons more for you, including “Fled Cruz”; “Flyin’ Ted”, “Ted the Ooze” and “Cruz Control”.

Lock him up

Italy, South Korea and France have now all convicted and sentenced their corrupt former presidents. I can think of one way to Make America Great Again.

Experts don’t see eye-to-eye

A recent report pointed out that glasses wearers are less likely to get COVID-19. Another recent report indicates the first study could quite possibly be hogwash. Sounds like “cancel culture” to moi.

Conference Call

Long-time political strategist and commentator Ana Navarro-Cárdenas summarized the goings-on at last weekend’s Conservative Political Action Conference in Orlando. Per Navarro-Cárdenas’ Twitter, this yearly exercise in pretending these fools are relevant (my words, not hers) unfolded in three acts. The following are her words, not mine:

I. Cruz, Ivy League grad, married to Goldman-Sachs exec, living in million dollar home, guest of Cancun Ritz, railed against elites.

II. Trump railed against cancel culture, while naming Republicans he plans to cancel.

III. Goya CEO gave a speech not worth a can of beans.

OK, enough with the fart jokes. Hope this roundup didn’t give you too much gas. Plan to be back next week with more weird, but true, news you can use.