MENTAL HEALTH

Not Open For Venting — Please Go Somewhere Else. It’s Not Healthy Being the Go-To Person For Everyone’s Whining and Complaining

My new solutions to stop this behavior and preserve my own mental health

I’ve had it. It’s gotten to the place where I can no longer endure the tirades and diatribes of a few friends (and a few more acquaintances) who reflexively call me whenever they need to vent.

Did my cell number somehow get switched to a customer complaint line? Why am I on speed dial for certain persons’ litany of woes?

I would much rather write about cats and other uplifting and entertaining subjects, but I must, in the same spirit of the people I’m complaining about, unburden myself on this subject.

Perhaps you too have been on the receiving end of this issue, problem, or whatever you want to call it.

The issue

Let’s go ahead and call it an issue. That’s a wee bit better than labeling it a problem.

So, here’s the issue. There’s a handful of people I know who’ve chosen me to be their “ear” for frivolous complaints.

I’m not talking about asking me to listen to real problems — fractious in-laws, upcoming surgeries, moms with dementia, divorces, lay-offs or firing, broken hearts, etc.

My door is always open to listen without judgement, offer advice only if asked, help soothe rattled nerves or otherwise just be a compassionate friend willing to listen and help in anyway possible.

Examples

These frequent-flyer complainers offer up in panicked and pained voices what most of us would call “first world problems.” None of them would I be able to help even if I could.

Recently a friend left a voice mail message in a terse, strained voice. “Call me.”

When I saw the caller on ID I deliberately let to travel to VM because I simply was not in the mood. When I heard the tone of her voice I absolutely knew I didn’t want to call back at that moment.

When I did eventually return the call — a day later — she demanded to know why I hadn’t immediately responded. I told her I was busy with things I needed to take care of and let it go at that. But I’ve now changed how I respond.

Some folks don’t seem to grasp that other people have lives too. And issues. And problems . . .

So what was her big issue that day? It seems the mail service had once again been slow and she’d not yet received a piece of information she needed to beat some deadline. She had six months to get it in but waited till the last minute. Now, she wanted to rage and vent at the US Postal Service.

And let off some steam.

My nerves are frazzled these days. Michael and I are still dealing with the aftermath of our cat Buddy getting shot by a air rifle by some lowlife in our neighborhood. The stress is taking its toll.

It’s turned our lives upside down. Buddy is struggling valiantly with his leg in a splint, and we still don’t have proof of who did it (although we’re 99.9% sure who the culprit is).

The very last thing I’m interested in is my friend’s rattling on about the Post Office.

Other high-level complaints that have come my way from her — and a handful of others — include:

• A next door neighbor’s wind chimes making too much racket. Should she file a complaint? If so, with whom? (I’ve heard the chimes — they’re lovely.) I said I’ve no idea who to complain to but she’s called me to vent about this at least another half dozen times.
• The price of exotic fruits have doubled, almost tripled! This friend can more than afford it but he’d rather complain. (Dude, prices of everything have skyrocketed. Are you living in a cave?)
• The newspaper was late again! And yesterday it didn’t arrive at all! The world is ending! This tirade was delivered for almost five minutes without taking a breath. (Hello? May I suggest you call the circulation department?)
• Her housekeeper continues to do a half-assed job. She’s angry and upset and won’t stand for it another minute! (It’s nice you can afford a weekly housekeeper. Your house always looks spotless to me so I don’t know how I can help you.)
• Other sundry rants: Too many unsolicited emails and calls; nobody works anymore — you cannot find honest or decent help; the City isn’t picking up lawn waste anymore! (Yes, it is. Just not fast enough to suit you.); a dog walker who walks his pet each morning at 5:00 AM is letting his dog poop in his yard and is not picking it up!(Go outside and confront the guy — give him some poop bags — I’m tired of hearing about it.)

My solution

I’ve had it with having my precious time eaten alive by dumbass complaints. So, here’s what I’m doing.

I’m embracing the “24-hour” rule.

This is the same rule some children’s soccer and baseball coaches make parents abide by. If they think their darling has been wronged in some way — or, if they don’t agree with a coach’s decision about a matter, they must wait 24 hours before calling or complaining to the coach.

By that time the parent will have cooled down, perhaps rethought their response, and in some cases might dismiss it altogether.

I allow my “frequent flier complainers” messages to go straight to voice mail. If I can see they’ve called to “let off some steam” (God, I hate that expression!) then I wait 24-hours to call them back.

If they grill me about my delayed response I tell them there are only so many hours in a day, and only so many issues I can deal with at once. And their issue is not my priority.

I explain this as diplomatically as I can, and I pepper the convo with humor.

I’ve also begun to say things like:

“Ya know, it seems like every time you call these days all you wanna do is gripe! Let’s start talking about other things, OK?”

“My plate is overflowing at the moment with my own challenges. Hey, maybe I should start calling you to get things off my chest!”

“Judy (alias), I’ll be honest. Your complaints are starting to wear thin, and are getting to me. I wish we could have conversations that don’t start off with all the woes of the world. Let’s lighten it up.”

Or, I could say, “I’m cancelling my subscription to your issues.”

Is any of this working? It’s a bit early but I’d say, yeah kinda.

One friend laughed and told me she didn’t realize what a griper she’d become. I reminded her that both of us have talked about not wanting to fall into the trap of “cranky old woman” syndrome.

Those behaviors are singularly unattractive.

“Oh, dear!” she gasped. “That’s what my mother did all the time. The older she got, the more strident — and frequent — her complaints became. I don’t want to be like that!”

Final Takeaway

If you find yourself in the same position as a receptacle for frivolous gripers, don’t feel guilty about reclaiming your time and space.

Don’t reflexively answer calls you suspect will turn into a complaint fest. Use the 24 rule and see if it works for you.

And, don’t hesitate to call out your complainers. Tell them their incessant venting is getting you down. Explain to them you don’t have the time, the energy (or, if you’re feeling brave, even say “the interest”) for certain issues.

Especially those you can’t actually help with.

I’ve added in these discussions I’ll always be there for them when there are real problems I can assist with. I will listen to their genuine troubles. But, in order to preserve our friendship and my mental health, I must let them know I can no longer be an open door for their endless complaints.

Tell me what you think. Have you ever had this issue too? How did you handle it?

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