Not My Child

Parents who deny that their child’s unacceptable behavior exists at school destroy the capacity to build adequate levels of family engagement.

Students of all ages are the most precious members of our society.

They deserve all of the protections to keep them safe. They deserve to receive the absolute best education possible. They deserve to be filled with hope to help them embrace a future filled with promise. There is so much more that can be used to describe the words that fills the hearts of adults who genuinely care about the overall welfare of children and young people.

Despite all of these heartwarming thoughts and expressions about our most precious members of our society, a truth must be exposed.

There are some students who willfully destroy the positive learning environment of their classrooms and school day after day.

Who This Article Does Not Include

As a former teacher and school administrator, I am fully aware of the specific needs that some students have.

Many students navigate their school day, one class at a time, while living with challenges that require varied levels of instructional and behavioral support. Some students require an Individualized Education Program, otherwise known as an IEP, to provide specialized assistance with their learning and behavior. Some students require daily interventions such as modifications and accommodations to help them in more personalized ways. Some students have unspeakable behavior, mental, and physical health diagnosis and struggles who may receive on-site services.

This article is NOT about these students.

This article is about the parents and students who do NOT qualify to receive the services and supports highlighted above because no diagnosis, disability, or condition exists.

Deliberate Act of Student Misconduct

I speak my truth as a family engagement influencer.

In doing so, I share information that has the capacity to strengthen family engagement in education and within the community. Conversely, I also share information that has the capacity to destroy family engagement in these areas.

I published an article about the severe student behavior problems that were previously reported to exist in the state of Iowa. According to my story, I stated that the same behavioral struggles at Iowa schools also exists throughout other states. While teachers and other school officials have worked tirelessly to solve this problem with students in Iowa and other places, I included very profound information to help redirect their efforts. I stated that parents must be a part of the solution because it is unfair for educators to exclusively resolve student disciplinary issues at school. It takes a team effort. My belief is that parents must be a part of that team. A copy of the link to this article follows.

Whether they attend in-person school, a virtual school, or a hybrid program where they attend in-person school part of the time and virtual school the rest of the time, there are students who willfully misbehave. The disruptions that these students make are relentless. These learners prevent teachers from teaching and they prevent their classmates from learning.

Some of these continuous behaviors include things like:

• totally defying classroom and school rules and procedures
• interrupting learning and instruction by excessive talking, shouting, and noise making
• bullying and harassing classmates and teachers
• jeopardizing the safety of others by throwing objects like books and overturning desks and bookshelves
• fighting
• refusing to complete school work and other assignments as well as participating in learning activities

Many more examples exist.

Disruptive learners also cause school leaders and other personnel to spend excessive amounts of time intervening by having meetings with them and developing unique plans to stop their behaviors, making telephone calls to parents as well as conducting conferences with them, providing designated student behavior interventions within the school wide multi-tiered system of support, and administering various disciplinary consequences consistent with the Student Code of Conduct.

There is a sad reality that often merges as teachers and school leaders try to work to partner with parents to find solutions to stop the unacceptable and relentless student behaviors. Many times, the school is met with parent denial.

These Parents Cause the Student Behaviors

Very surprisingly, there are parents who refuse to believe that their precious boy or girl engages in the acts of misconduct that teachers, counselors, and principals repeatedly notify them about.

Such parents believe that the school literally makes up the incidents about their child that they are notified about. These parents also minimize their child’s behaviors by saying things like the following to school officials:

• “…boys will be boys”
• “…my daughter is too little to do that”
• “…I don’t see any of this at home”
• “…another student is influencing my child”
• “…the teacher just doesn’t like my child”
• “…the principal is just picking on my child”

Many times the parent in denial often demeans the teacher and other school officials in front of their child. Parents may refer to educators or the school in disrespectful and profane terms as their child silently cheers them on. This often takes place during school conferences with the student in attendance. Home is also the place where this happens.

Such scenarios open the door for students to behave more disgracefully at school because the parents give them permission to do so. By denying the existence of the terrible behaviors, parents remain blind to them. As for the students, they become unstoppable until they are ultimately removed from the school permanently. The sad reality is that these students will continue their antics at their new school. This will undoubtedly spill into society and extend into adulthood if the students do not change.

The cause of all this is very simple.

Poor Parenting

Poor parenting results when they fail to teach their children behavioral boundaries. Because of this, children learn to manipulate systems established to support and guide them.

Poor parenting results when the will of the child overrides the authority of the parent day after day and year after year. The child wins uncontested battles with parents. Parents simply cater to and pamper their child whenever they are discontented. Unfortunately, the work ethic of the child becomes significantly diminished because they will grow to believe the other people owe them things that others usually earn through hard work and perseverance.

Poor parenting results when they ignore and dismiss the explosive outbursts and episodes that their child has. A very poor style of parenting also manifests when they find humor in these outbursts and think their child is very funny and cute when they speak and yell in profane and lewd terms. Verbal boundaries do not exist for this student.

Poor parenting results when parents feel the need to remain on the same social and emotional level as their child. Nothing delineates a parent and child relationship when a parent exclusively views their child as their equal, their partner, and their friend. The child will grow to disregard authority.

Here is the greatest consequence of poor parenting. The behaviors that parents teach and permit in the home will occur in the schools that they attend.

The Response to Poor Parenting

The school must continue to respond to student disruptions by not only following all of their protocols for doing so but also through family engagement efforts.

I define family engagement as the mutual dedication, cooperation, and support that educators, parents, and other caregivers share as children and young people are being educated. Family engagement strengthens the capacity of parents and educators to work together as a team so that students achieve educational success.

It is critical that school develop programs for parents to provide assistance for them because the connection between the home and the school is very deep. While the list of family engagement programs and supports that schools have the capacity to provide is very extensive, I will focus on one.

Parent training programs are designed to facilitate the development of parents. These programs created by the school district are hosted within the local community such as at a church or recreation center among other places or they are hosted within the school. Depending on the type of training program that is provided, families may even host the sessions within their homes. However, it must be noted that virtual training sessions must be held during the pandemic. Outdoor sessions may also be held as long as safety guidelines are adhered to.

The parent training program should be facilitated by school personnel who are trained to do so, such as a family engagement coordinator or school administrator. School districts may also contract with resource providers who have the capacity to deliver this training if no one within the system is able to do so. While general training topics may vary, for the sake of the student problem being emphasized, the program should focus on helping parents become what is typically characterized as good parents.

Here are a few examples of the types of training programs that could be provided for parents.

1. Workshops that give parents a chance to attend various sessions designed to help them overcome targeted obstacles.
2. Resource fairs designed to connect parents with various service providers who will help develop their parenting skills.
3. A parent university that are a series of courses that parents attend and participate in. Parent participants graduate at the end of the program at a special celebration and receive a certificate of completion.
4. Have a book study. A specific parenting book could be given to parents and scheduled informal discussions could be held.
5. A speakers series presented by renown personalities could be held so that parents are able to attend throughout a designated period of time.

School leaders should foster a spirit of creativity as they develop unique parent training programs held at varied times and are designed to resolve their student behavior problems.

Despite the quality of the training programs, another problem may interfere with the success of these offerings.

Parent Attendance Obstacles

Challenges generally exist as it relates to parent participating in at school programs for many different reasons. This article will not explore these reasons. Instead ideas that will increase their attendance will be presented below.

1. The school district should provide childcare whenever parent training activities are held. Depending on the time of the session, homework help could be provided for children who attend school. This will enhance parent attendance.
2. Hot meals, delicious refreshments, or beverages should be served.
3. Parents who attend the training session should receive an incentive for doing so. Free family books make great gifts.
4. Transportation should be provided to parents to enable them to attend. Having a school bus make periodic stops throughout the communities could facilitate this.
5. As previously mentioned in this article, the training sessions could be held within the communities where parents reside. Again, places could include apartment building recreation rooms, churches, or family homes. Another family oriented location could be a community park.
6. Here is more of a direct, harsh, and punitive response for resistant parents. If the student behaviors are so disruptive that law enforcement need to be notified so that support for the school is provided, the judicial process may be utilized to hold parents accountable for for attending the training programs.

My Conclusion

Poor parenting results in poor student behavior at school. While school must continue to respond to the students who create the disturbances and prevent classmates from learning and teachers from teaching, they must also respond to parents by engaging with them.

Providing parent training programs builds capacity for parents to become more capable parents who will help their children to ultimately improve their behavioral choices at school.

Here’s my golden ticket that helps me accomplish my mission.

Dr. Deborah M. Vereen is a retired Teacher and School Administrator. Her website is www.Drdeborahmvereen.com and her YouTube Channel is https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCS1DPhBeA29UlybU9jzDkdQ.