Not Meeting My Dating Expectations? You’re Out, Bro.

Things I no longer tolerate.

I’ve written about two guys I’ve been dating for a few months, Marc and Sean.

Marc is a lot of fun but he lives a little far away and he almost has sole custody of his kids (for those without children, that means little free time to go on dates). Sean is sexy AF, lives in a swanky neighborhood, and has his kids half the time.

I feel like I went through a transformation last year. Mostly kicked off by telling my husband I want a divorce. I realized how my shitty self-esteem was affecting my relationships, attracting unhealthy people, and causing me to behave in ways that only exasperate my horrible self-perception.

This year, I vowed to date with intention. And that includes dating like I’m a Hot Chick. I used to date people even if I wasn’t into them, which left me feeling miserable. Even worse, then I had to break things off, which is torture for someone like me who hates confrontation of any kind.

Things began well enough with both Marc and Sean. Since I’m still stuck at home with the not-soon-enough-ex-husband, I didn’t push to make any commitments with either of them when I’m not able to go balls-in anyway.

One thing that annoyed me with both of them from the start: they suck at communication. I’m a texter. I communicate all day by text and instant messaging tools with my friends. During the workday, I didn’t expect much, but in the evening it was hit or miss if they’d initiate or engage in messaging.

Not ideal when everyone is short on time given work and kids, thus limiting in-person interactions.

I considered that perhaps these were simply Friends With Benefits type of relationships, however, they were all snuggly after sex. They did the usual “get to know you” chats, right down to details about their childhoods and former marriages. I brought up the lack of communication which allowed them to step up their game.

Things got worse when Sean got a new job, headquartered in another state that requires him to fly back every week while he ramps up. He flies back to see his kids then bails back out again.

It hit me this week: fuck this noise. Fuck. This. Noise.

I’m done initiating conversations. I’m done anticipating their messages when my phone buzzes.

I need consistency and ongoing communication. If I’m wondering, “Wait, am I being ghosted? By not messaging them first, am I ghosting them?” that’s a bad sign.

In the past, I would have texted on a schedule that left enough time to not make myself look needy. It gives them all the control and made me feel like I was chasing, which I hate. I would have come up with excuses for their flaccid communication to appease my ego.

Their worth would have skyrocketed due to my perceived lack of self-worth. I would have glossed over Sean’s annoying erection issues and Marc’s ghetto condo’s shitty parking situation. All the red flags I saw at the beginning would become nonexistent as I focused on why they weren’t paying attention to me and what I might be doing wrong.

Not anymore.

Realizing that I was about to fall into that pattern, I nipped my own behavior in the bud. I deleted their conversation threads on my phone. If they feel like chasing after me eons from now, that’s on them. It won’t be me.

I jumped on Tinder, went through a moment of panic due to the Paradox of Choice, but narrowed down a few solid options. I’ve got a date on Tuesday and one this upcoming weekend with another guy who is more than willing to babble nonsensical things by email. There are around three others who are still in the “Maybe” category.

This is a huge shift for me. To recognize that I was going down the rabbit hole of an old pattern that didn’t serve me and would leave me feeling shitty about myself. It meant starting over again, which is daunting as fuck.

But if the goal is to date like a Hot Chick, with intention, then this is what hot chicks do.

They don’t chase.

They attract.

Drops her mic and walks away.

Update: Since writing this story, Marc reached out. But I’ll babble about that tale after this week, because I stupidly overextended myself and scheduled multiple dates after work every day.