Not Knowing My Biological Parents Made Me Redefine the Boundaries Of family
Being related by blood doesn’t count for everything
When we typically think of family, we associate it with people who are related by blood. That’s the standard. Even if we have somewhat deviated from the traditional notion of a nuclear family — a group compromising a father, mother, and children — the attachment to blood relatives and the typical family model holds strong.
But the truth is, like friends, family is what you make of it.
The argument is often that you can’t choose your family — which is wrong. For many reasons, some people do not get on with their blood relatives and choose to distance themselves. They may then gravitate towards step-relatives or even friends they come to regard as family.
Blood isn’t the binding point of deep connections or a loving relationship. Often, it can be what drives people away by forcing a connection that isn’t there.
What I mean to say is this — you can choose your family. We are no longer bound to these traditional ideals of blood ties and developing the family lineage. Or at least, I hope not.
Growing up, I never knew my birth parents, and it didn’t make a difference because my adoptive mum made up for everything and more. The family where I was placed fit me like a glove, and I grew up not knowing any better.
Fundamentally, it also changed how I thought about the boundaries of family and the types of relationships we develop that are not dependent on being related by blood.
There is more to similarities based on blood and genetics
In a sense, of course, you can’t choose who you are related to in terms of genetics. It doesn’t take a genius to argue that. However, that’s not what I am disputing here. Blood is what binds us to be related to our birth parents and family, but it takes more than that to form a connection.
Family shouldn’t be solely defined by who you are related to genetically. Our DNA is something we can’t see or change — but our interests, attitudes and connections with other people — are assets we can control.
I was adopted into a family that I don’t share any DNA with, but I would say (and I think the rest of my family would agree) you would not be able to tell I was adopted or not related to those people. Growing up, I even had people at school who didn’t believe I was adopted because I looked so much like my Mum. If that doesn’t prove my point, what does?
One of my cousins, who is very close in age to me, I consider as a best friend I can say anything to. Although we clashed growing up, we now get on like a house on fire. We also share a similar sense of humour, mental state (worrying about everything and anything) and a love for the outdoors.
It used to bug me when I was younger that nobody said to me, “oh, you can really see great-nan in her eyes,” and sometimes it still stings. But then I remember I’m unique, and there’s far more than looks that bind me to my family.
Similarities and connections between people don’t rely on what DNA you share but on building a bond with that person.
In life, we often choose our family despite being related or not
Alternatively, some people don’t get on with their biological family for a range of reasons and chose not to see them. Maybe they had a major argument, disagreed, fell out or even something more serious.
Like trying to keep a friendship alive, that doesn’t serve you just for the sake of how long you’ve known each other, just because you’re related to a person it doesn’t mean you have to know them or have them in your life.
Sometimes, things aren’t as perfect as that and don’t happen that way. We don’t have to contact or spend time with our family if they don’t add value to our lives or only bring as agro.
Being someone who was adopted at an early age, I’ve made a conscious decision so far in my life not to meet my biological parents. That’s a choice I’ve made. Evidently, there’s some degree of curiosity there, but I have all I need in my family. It’s all I’ve ever known.
Some people do not have the privilege of getting on with their biological families and will develop close bonds with friends or even work colleagues that they later come to refer to or rely on as a family.
Above all, family is a concept that is not set in stone and has no boundaries, despite society’s obsession with one kind of perfect model.
Family is what you make of it
Despite being commonly defined as “all the descendants of a common ancestor,” family is what an individual makes it to be. It doesn’t have to stick to social or cultural rules but can be bent and adapted to fit various situations. At the heart of the family is a deep connection with other people, not dependent on blood or genetics.
In fact, that’s an incredibly old-fashioned way of looking at it, which we should all try to stray away from.
Families who fit the typical model of being related by blood can also be dysfunctional, fall out, have arguments and choose not to see each other, just as much as everybody else. Being related to another person isn’t some unbreakable bond you share. After all, it’s just blood. You can share DNA with someone but have a completely different personality and outlook on the world.
The best thing about the concept of family is that you can choose. You can’t choose who you are related to, obviously, but the network you chose to be a part of and share Christmases with, you do have a say over. My family was chosen for me, but I got fortunate.
We should all be more open-minded when it comes to families
Whether you live in a nuclear family, are lucky enough to have extended family, or ‘family by choice,’ we should all have the room to be more open-minded about how relationships can be deep and meaningful, beyond being related to each other.
We can’t change our DNA or where we come from, but we do all have a say in who we spend our time with and who we consider family — regardless of whether we are related or not.
Being adopted, I was always going to have a complex relationship with the word ‘family’, but I’ve embraced it in recent years. It means I have such an open mind about different types of families and the choices people make to have one. I nearly didn’t have a family, so I’m forever grateful that one worked out for me.
At the end of the day, we all have a choice to make in who we regard as family and who to spend time with. Modern families have moved on from that traditional, genetic framework and now include multiple versions of families by choice for people who can’t have children, want to adopt or by unmarried people who have chosen to move away from their consanguine family.
A family, in essence, is a group of people. That’s part of its beauty as it can adapt and change over time to suit everyone’s unique situation.
Final thoughts
When you’re adopted, it can often give you an obscured picture of what family really means, especially if you were adopted at an age where you can remember it all happening. It’s something that will always stay with you. It can also make you question your identity and where you truly belong.
If you’re lucky enough to be successfully adopted into a family that you connect with for life — the experience can show you that family is a concept without boundaries. It doesn’t matter about DNA, genetics or blood. You can develop deep love and connections with people regardless of whether you share this.