NOT EVERY WOMAN HAS HIPS, OK?

The perfect body is simply a matter of perspective

When I blossomed into a preteen, I was constantly told that I was shaped like my father. He had the typical build of a man, no wide hips and no glutes to speak of. Because of my body type, I was affectionately called RA by one of my older female cousins, an abbreviation for “Ricky’s ass.” Everyone around me would laugh and agree that I had his exact shape. This would have been perfect if I were not a preteen girl. I’d look in the mirror at myself and cringe. I didn’t want my father’s body. I wanted to have a woman’s shape like my mother. The older women in my life would constantly reassure me that once I began my menstrual cycle, my shape would come. I already had breasts that seemed to grow every single time I woke up in the morning. My hips and butt just needed time.

When I looked through magazines, I never saw women shaped like me. I did not see them on TV either. I had nothing to compare myself to other than my father’s male body. The idea that I could grow hips was not looking promising. I was twelve years old in dance class when I finally felt the pain of a woman. I imagine under a normal circumstance I would have been in distress, experiencing womanhood for the first time. However, the only thing that came to mind was that I was finally going to get the womanly shape that I desperately wanted.

Months went by… still no signs of growth. My period came on time every month, but there seemed to be a delay in my curvy growth spurt. Still, I remained hopeful. My older sister had a set of wide hips and with the same parents I was sure that I was next in line… but nothing happened. By my mid-teens, I developed major insecurities about my body. As a young black girl, I was made to believe it was my birthright to have wide hips and a protruding backside. Leaving me to question my blackness all the time and why it was taking so long for me to receive what was owed to me.

I felt like I wasn’t appealing. It would have been easy to cope if I were skinny, but I also had the nerve to be fat. Another added shame to my adolescence. Back then, I felt like there were two types of fat girls: the type that I wanted to be was fat but still had visible hips and beautiful curves. Her tummy was flat and her backside was rounded perfectly. Then there was me, lumpy and shaped like a potato. I envied girls who seemed like they could eat a busload of food and not gain a pound. I envied girls who seemed to carry all their weight in the right places. Meanwhile, weight gain for me settled in the worst place possible… my stomach. I tried exercising but would only get discouraged. I even considered surgery, but I was far too young and broke to entertain the thought.

Whenever I saw shapely women, I wanted to run away and hide because of the shame I felt. I even recall lathering the entirety of my naked self with petroleum jelly and wearing trash bags under my clothes to sweat away the weight, only to be embarrassed when questioned about the trash bags I wore.

I did not begin dating until I was nineteen. The guys who settled with me always had a thing for women with a small waist, round hips, and big butts, leaving my confidence in the negatives. The biggest blow was when I was with my first boyfriend at a gas station. Parked in front of us was the prettiest girl I had ever seen. In my eyes, she was perfect. She was everything I couldn’t seem to be. I remember sinking into my seat, hoping she wouldn’t notice me as my boyfriend and the gas attendant made comments about her beauty. The gas attendant stated that all men wished for a woman like her and my boyfriend eagerly agreed as he glared back at me in disgust. He had never said anything like that to me. He was constantly calling me out on my weight and making me feel worse about the body that I couldn’t change. From then on anytime a guy showed interest in me, I would immediately think about my lack of curves. I would make it a point to down myself before anyone got the chance to. I had low self-worth and I never wanted to get my hopes up with the idea of a man loving me how I was.

I hate that I spent so much time loathing my body. I missed out on so much life due to having severe body insecurity. As I near my thirty-fifth birthday, I am thankful for wisdom. If I could, I would go back in time and tell my younger self that I was perfect the way that I was. I would make it a point to be kinder to myself and my body. Nowadays, I know better and have some key points in finding your inner voice and being comfortable and confident in your own skin.

No two bodies are the same

This is something that I wish I had known early on. This would have saved me countless hours of wishing and hoping I would become what I deemed a curvy goddess. Not all women have hips, a big butt, or a thigh gap and that’s okay. It’s important to let girls be beautiful the way they are without judging their bodies or looks.

Don’t let anyone’s opinion of you determine your worth

I spent a long time being RA long after people stopped calling me that. It haunted me and made me feel like I could not be loved due to my shape. I think it is important to look at yourself and genuinely feel like you got it going on! Being able to look at yourself and feel beautiful is life-changing because how we feel about ourselves sets the tone for our lives.

Make it a point to show up for younger girls/boys

Maybe someone jokingly calls out a cousin on their weight or makes comments about a niece’s looks. When you are not on the receiving end of these jokes, it can seem funny, but sometimes what we think are cute nicknames can be damaging to a person’s self-esteem and their inner voice. Make sure that you are not contributing to lowering someone else’s self-esteem.

Be kind to yourself and your body. If there is something about yourself that you don’t like, change it! One beautiful thing about life is that every day we wake up, we have the opportunity to do whatever makes us happy. If that means altering your body via exercise or surgery, make sure you do it because it will help you maintain the best level of happiness for yourself. Always be comfortable and confident in your own skin!