avatarHenya Drescher

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FEELINGS/LIFE/PSYCHOLOGY

None of What I’m Saying is Surprising or New

It’s about feelings that can be real but are not reliable

Courtesy Wikimedia.org

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I am a very deep feeler. I cry during commercials, listen to sappy country songs, or even see a cute elderly couple walking down the street holding hands.

All day, we are fed truths and lies from every direction.

A TV show can cause us to become sad. A conversation with a friend can leave you feeling like your husband isn’t nearly as sweet as hers. The magazine rack at the store can make you feel less attractive. So many things feed into our emotions.

We have feelings. They are there for a reason.

You know you shouldn’t eat that piece of cake. But your brain has a different idea, “Hey, you’re feeling shitty today. A little piece should make you feel better.” And you happily agree, “Hey, you’re right! Thank you, brain!” What feels good swiftly feels right. And then you shamelessly inhale not one slice but three slices of cake.

If you do this sort of thing long enough — if you convince yourself that what feels good is the same as what is good — your brain will start mixing both up. Your brain will begin assuming the whole point of life is to feel as fabulous and often as possible.

And once this takes place, you’ll start conning yourself into believing that you are feelings matter.

Feelings can be misleading. Have you ever gotten dejected by a friend for an entirely imagined reason? For example, a friend’s phone died, and you start thinking she didn’t want to talk to you and never liked you.

Shitty feelings. Right?

For many years, I confused talking about my feelings for actually feeling my feelings.

There’s a distinction.

I was good at recognizing my feelings.

I could unveil how I felt about an issue that was going on in my life.

I could give details about what narratives were being triggered surrounding my feelings.

But, slowing down to precisely feel those damn things?

No time, energy, or willingness to delve into the unpleasant feelings.

Permitting the sadness, pain, and disappointment to move through me was categorically unpleasant. I didn’t see the point.

Over time, I’ve come to value the bittersweet relief and freedom from letting emotional weather sail through instead of letting it get infested inside of me and allowing it to rot.

None of what I’m saying is surprising or new. You’ve probably tried to overcome some of your obnoxious feelings and impulses before and failed.

But let’s not ignore that message and allow yourself to feel the emotion until it dissolves. Maybe the feeling is steering you toward some action?

Years ago, when my husband and I were talking about getting married for the second time after a divorce that lasted for ten years, fear and anxiety began flying through my body for no apparent reason. I lost sleep; I was shopping excessively, and my stomach ached. Was I making the right decision? In other words, I was spinning aimlessly in my orbit, which didn’t make sense, given that I’d desired to get together.

The truth is, my feelings often get the best of me!

When I began to explore the emotional ambush, I understood that we needed to examine deeper concerns before.

The angst disappeared.

Ignored feelings go underground. When they’re buried, they don’t stay buried forever.

They often come back in even more confusing, less recognizable ways. Feelings don’t always have the language to tell you what is happening or why. They only have the crude tools to make themselves heard. They manifest in fear, anxiety, anger, and other behaviors that may be hard to connect to the “originating” event or situation.

Or how about feeling good about feeling bad? People who feel good about feeling bad enjoy a certain righteous indignation, feeling morally superior in their suffering and that they are somehow martyrs in a heartless world.

These long-suffering victimhood trend-followers are the ones who want to crap on someone’s life on the internet, who want to protest and throw shit at businessmen or politicians who are simply doing their best in a challenging, complex world.

Much of the social strife we’re experiencing results today from these meta-feelings. Moralizing mobs who see themselves as wronged and somehow unique in every minuscule hurt or setback they undergo.

These narratives are spun by us and fed by the tales developed in the media. Consumer culture encourages you to make decisions grounded in feeling great or shitty and then cheers you on for those decisions.

Look, I know you think the fact you feel upset or angry or anxious is important.

That matters. Hell, you undoubtedly believe that because you feel like your face just got shat on makes you significant. But it doesn’t. Feelings are just these… things that happen. The meaning we construct around them — what we decide is important or unimportant — comes later.

Just because your husband or wife funnily looked at you or spoke with a biting tone doesn’t mean they are mad at you.

Sometimes, people are rushed or even have a bad day. Unfortunately, you experience horrible feelings about a fictional negative outcome. Then, you walk around for days thinking that you are in trouble or that your life, as you know it, is over.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

What would it look like if you could dialogue with your feelings as if they were an embodied, physical presence before you? How would interacting with them feel, and how would it be different? What kind of questions would you ask? What kind of things would you say?

With great love ❤️and appreciation, that would be me…

Henya!

Now go and Seize the day!

Feelings
Sadness
Emotions
Life
Life Lessons
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