Nobody will thank you for not having any needs of your own

People-pleasing will result in lopsided and disappointing relationships

People-pleasing & emotional suppression

The habit of people-pleasing runs deep for many people as it has often been ‘installed’ as a defence mechanism early in childhood. Our attachment needs as small children are not optional. Our survival depends on the ability of our parents or primary caregivers to look after us both emotionally and physically.

Gabor Mate, a Canadian Psychiatrist who has written extensively about the topic of emotional suppression, and the roots of such, has talked about how our primary need for attachment sometimes ends up being at odds with a competing need for authenticity.

He explains:

‘But what happens to a child where the attachment need is not compatible with the need for authenticity? In other words, if I am authentic, my parents will reject me. If I feel what I feel and express what I feel and insist on my own truth, my parents can’t handle it.

And parents convey those messages unconsciously all the time. Not because they mean to, not because they don’t love the child, but because they themselves are suppressed, or traumatized, or hurt, or stressed. ‘

quoted by Dr Garbor Mate

Ref: Garbor Mate The root of emotional suppression

In my job as a Psychologist, I have noticed that people often underestimate the destructive powers of people-pleasing and misattribute it to ‘personality’ . People pleasing can of course have some positive pay-offs but this does not negate the fact that it can still become problematic on many levels.

By overidentifying with people-pleasing and seeing it as ‘who we are’ — we make it harder to see it for what it is. More importantly, it will impact negatively our motivation to correct the process before it starts showing up as problematic in intimate relationships!

People-pleasing as an early coping response

In families where emotional immaturity, neglect or abuse have been present, people-pleasing can become a powerful coping mechanism as it ensures the continued approval of a parent. It can also pacify conflict between other people and it is not unusual to see those who are serious people-pleasers also taking it upon themselves to intervene with other peoples’ struggles just as if it was their own.

It is important to note that there can be other fairly ‘innocent’ reasons why some people, often those with particularly good perceptive skills, have started to prioritise the needs of other people ahead of their own. Emotionally immature parents or parents who for one reason or another were elsewhere pre-occupied can easily create conditions where a child does not get enough nourishment and validation for their own emotional experiences and instead learn to act as though their needs are not as important. In any case, the act of downplaying one’s own needs is not a matter of sophisticated choice but rather, a natural consequence of realising that certain needs are going to risk the disapproval of someone on whose love and approval we depend on.

‘Need-less-ness’ & fear of abandonment reinforce behaviour patterns that produce more fear and anxiety in adult relationships

Suppressing one’s feelings in childhood often leads to particular patterns of interactions later on in life. These can be seen in a widespread fashion in life, but tend to be particularly dominating in intimate romantic relationships where our attachement system is triggered the most. For those who have not had an opportunity to explore their attachment style and relationship patterns, the unawareness can result in maladaptive behaviours continuing to run the show in adult relationships.

In situations where an adult suppresses their own needs in favour of gaining the love and approval of a partner, there is a strong likelihood that the relationship will become lopsided and deeply dissatisfying for both partners.

People-pleasing behaviours unmasked

People pleasing can have many manifestations. Some common ones are:

• conflict-avoidance and being overly pleasant and agreeable
• making too much effort for a new partner, even at times when the other person is not reciprocating
• using ‘niceness’ to win people over and to create a situation where other people ‘owe’ emotional favours and relationships
• frequently absorb responsibility for other people and their problems — be it emotional and/or practical
• being overly caring of other people and their needs — to the point where personal needs take a back seat and appear less important.
• being overly apologetic and downplaying personal preferences to keep the peace and not be ‘difficult’
• validation-seeking and difficulties trusting in oneself and one’s rights to have needs
• difficulty saying no and therefore often over-commit to situations and people
• struggles with personal boundaries and recognizing one’s emotional limits
• failure to communicate needs wants and desires
• overextend themselves to appease other people — but often with a hidden agenda (that can at times be driving behaviours on a subconscious level)
• constant anxiety and fear of losing the relationship
• ‘unworthy behaviours — acting as though the relationship is hinged upon bending boundaries to fit the partner

People pleasing in relationships and the creation of resentment and hidden anger

When we enter a novel romantic relationship, we have a golden opportunity to establish our role in a way that supports our growth and well-being. Unfortunately, many people-pleasers fail to recognise their process of gradual self-abandonment and instead ‘give it all’ in the name of being a caring and loving individual.

It is vitally important to understand that it is possible to be a loving individual despite having boundaries!

Nobody enjoys being heard, seen or liked for their authentic selves, but as can be imagined- it gets difficult to enjoy a person for the right reasons if they are not sharing with others who they are and what they stand for. Having no boundaries, or operating as if one’s own needs have no relevance, will create internal pressure that builds from all the small disappointments and resentments.

What follows is often a passive-aggressive ‘acting out’ of needs that have been left unattended to. This is typically not a pretty process and frequently leads to shame and regret further down the line. The mirror response from partners also tends to be a negative one and when they are left unchecked, the loss of respect will typically ensue. Do note that this is not a suggestion that your needs were wrong. It is however a testimony to the fact that they did not get asserted and acted on in a mature and timely fashion!

Whilst most people would have a basic need to be liked and approved by other people, the variable that often separates those with a healthy need for approval from those with a ‘thirst’ that originates from unmet needs is the way boundaries get applied when those needs are NOT getting met in adulthood.

Whilst someone with a healthy need for approval and validation would often react negatively to the idea that a new partner fails to show up properly in the relationship, those with insecure attachments (more specifically those with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles) may instead internalise the lack of attention and instead try to ‘edit’ themselves in hope of gaining back the attention they crave. The ‘editing’ can manifest as attempts to be less needy, less demanding and overly pleasant even at times when it hurts inside.

Learning how to stand up for your needs

Recognise that you will have to act before you feel the benefits!!

With the principles of behaviourism, we can quickly establish that there is a lot of short-term emotional payoff for people-pleasing. These pay-offs are known to reinforce behaviours even when the long-term effects are not favourable.

By acting overly agreeable we get perceived as nice and agreeable — something that will get rewarded and reinforced by society as a whole. It also means that we get to avoid the pain, friction and risk of abandonment that we would need to expose ourselves to should we instead choose to be assertive and request that our needs be considered. This is going to be a particularly tricky pattern to break if you are someone whose ‘early life programming’ left you feeling as though your entire survival depended on you keeping your needs subdued to make life easy for others!

Behaviour → short-term emotional consequences—> long-term negative consequence

Changing your behaviour pattern will change the order of the payoffs

When you change this pattern, you will have to endure any difficult feelings that arise as a result of standing up for your needs and boundaries. Whilst this sounds quite okay on paper, it is at this point that many people-pleaser crumbles under the pressure of their anxiety and guilt and the thoughts of being ‘bad’ or ‘demanding’ might plague the mind.

New habit:

Behaviour-> short-term negative emotional consequences → long-term positive emotional consequences

Remind yourself that this phase is a ‘necessary evil’ that you experience so that you can achieve long-term change and growth. This happens much in the same way as you will need to experience muscle pain to shape up your muscles in the gym. Keep your focus on the longer-term process and remind yourself that your emotional distress in this context is not a sign that you are doing something wrong. It is a sign that you are changing a well-established habit that you have now had to accept is no longer functional for you. If it helps to motivate you, you are also helping others by establishing a sustainable and healthy balance in the relationships. Nobody will thank you for suppressing your authentic self and your needs. It will however invite the wrong people into your life and make you susceptible to think that you should continue to hide your truth so that you can be liked.

What if they turn their back when I assert my needs?

Unfortunately, this can happen. It will be particularly likely to happen when a sudden expression of boundaries and needs starts happening in a relationship that has already suffered at the hands of excess people-pleasing. Although this fact may be hard to digest, you will need to recognise that a long-term relationship will need to be created with the long-term benefits of all in mind. Presenting a false and overly ‘easygoing’ version of yourself will set you up to feel as though you are being difficult and demanding later on- particularly when paired with someone who chose to be with you under the pretence that you had no needs of your own.

Bottom line:

We all deserve to be loved and accepted just as we are. If you are continuously having to shrink your needs to gain someone’s approval it is key that you identify your portion of this problem and start to upgrade your boundaries ASAP. To begin with, it might scare some people away — but in the end, you will honour the most important relationship we will ever have in our life. The one we have with ourselves.