No, Your Child Is Not Trying To Manipulate You

They just need your help

“That child is walking all over you”

“If you don’t put your foot down, he’ll never listen to you”

“She needs rules”…

Have you been at the receiving end of such intrusive comments disguised as well-meaning advice?

Did it make you feel like someone was getting too close for comfort, judging your parenting skills; in fact, in no uncertain terms criticising you, your child, or both?

Then consider this:

Your child will not get spoiled if you love them, listen to them, give in or let them have the moral high ground.

Children need to be able to have a say

To others, it may feel like your child ‘rules’ you. Is it because you accepted not to force-feed them? Because you gave in to their demands of one more story? Because you let them decide what music to put on?

The reality is far from that. In fact, a child hardly decides much at all.

Most of the time, we take our young children places without letting them have a say. We decide who we’re meeting, when and for how long. We instrument their daily lives to such an extent that it’s baffling we don’t even seem to understand how frustrating this can be for them at times.

Letting your child decide every time you can is the best way to help them develop harmoniously

So when it comes to the small stuff, the little decisions we all like to make to make our day brighter, we get an opportunity to let our children rule theirs.

If they want to:

• build a tent: “I’m tidying, but go ahead, I’ll finish later”— what odds?
• start painting: “Okay, go get your art smock”
• change clothes: “Fine, what would you like to wear?” (note to self: plan more time to get ready before heading for an appointment)
• have hot cocoa before going to bed: why not? “We’ll just have to brush teeth again”.

What these reactions show your child is that they are allowed to take part in the family decision-making process.

Let your child be proud of themselves

What best preparation for the world of work than to introduce your children early on to the notion that they, too, can make their voice heard and that they bring valuable contributions to the table?

I mean, that late-evening cocoa was just what you needed too, wasn’t it?

And that tent-building ended up the best play session ever. Be glad you found common ground to make this happen, whether that meant getting the tidying out of the way first or leaving it to later. In the grand scheme of things, you can tell which activity (from the tent-building or putting your foot down to do the tidying the way you intended to do it) matters more.

Let your child learn about self-respect and self-acceptance

It teaches them responsibility and gives them space in which to practice self-care.

Why indeed should they not be allowed to choose to wear these jeans rather than this pair of trousers? And why should they not be allowed to change their mind?

I’m sure you can think back to a time you had to change outfits several times just because you were undecided.

Yet someone is telling you you shouldn’t allow for your child to hesitate? That it’s not okay for them to change their mind based on their best understanding of a situation?

Let your child learn to decide for themselves

Here’s what I witnessed:

Maybe fuelled by leaning into everyone and their granny’s unhelpful comments on my parenting, I insisted my child wear a pair of trousers, as “it is cold out and it looks like it might rain”.

She, however, decided to pick her skirt and tights. After much struggle, I let her.

Then what happened? Minutes into our outing, that the sun started shining out of the blue.

Letting our children be in charge of themselves means allowing them to grow into independent beings.

On another occasion, she wore a skirt and it rained. Her choice of outfit was not ideal as her tights quickly got soaked, but it allowed her to experience causality and gain a practical understanding of it.

The perks

In other words, our help is most appreciated when its aim is to help implement our child’s ideas, needs, wants and — dare I say it — caprices.

When we do this, saying no to sweets or running around in a T-shirt in minus temperatures becomes easy. For your child is safe in the knowledge that you’re giving them as many opportunities to practice being a responsible person as possible. They understand that some situations still warrant your seal of approval.

In other words, when your children know that they’re in charge of themselves to the highest degree depending on their developmental stage in any given area, they’re much more likely to respect your authority when required.

So no, it’s not about being lacksey-daisy, nor is about your children taking the upper hand; it’s only really just about mutual respect and trust.