No, Women Aren’t Driving Men to the Manosphere

That’s like saying Black people are driving whites to the KKK

Here’s something that we need to get straight before we go into the substance of this topic. When someone is talking about “men” in this culture, it doesn’t mean blaming every single man as an individual for things they may not have even done. It does, however, mean holding mainstream masculine culture accountable — something that is upheld by every single man in America — either through his actions or his inactions, his words, or his silence.

Women uphold that to some extent as well, but it really is men’s responsibility to take charge of shifting the aspects of American masculinity that equate manliness with repression of emotions other than anger as well as having power over other people to something more pro-social. After all, men still hold the vast majority of power in every area of American life, from politics and government, to the economy. And let’s face it, men are more likely to listen to other men.

The root of violence against women (as well as against other men) is this dominance hierarchy belief in the right to control and dominate others, and it needs to stop. People in socially dominant demographics have a responsibility to challenge others from their group when they see unacceptable things taking place — otherwise, they are, in fact, complicit. This also applies to whites, straight people, and any other time that someone from a group with more social power witnesses domination, abuse, or oppression taking place by someone from their demographic.

Most men don’t want to do that (for a variety of reasons which could in itself be a whole other story), but as challenging as that sometimes might be, it needs to start taking place more often — for the good of us all. Not challenging the dysfunction is what allows it to be normalized and to continue.

As a man, once you are aware of the degree to which women suffer from gender violence and all forms of sexism, you can’t simply go about your business and pretend everything is fine. You have to do something about it or else risk losing your self-respect. This is where denial comes in. Denial is a tried-and-true method of coping with disruptive, traumatic, or discomforting information; it is much less painful than facing the truth.

Katz, Jackson. The Macho Paradox (p. 41). Sourcebooks. Kindle Edition.

One of the ways that denial manifests is in shifting the focus away from the faults of the system that is being upheld to looking to the victims as the real source of the problems — something the manosphere has mastered. There’s no doubt that vulnerable boys and men who have real wounds and concerns are looking for help and answers online — in part because it’s so antithetical to American masculinity to actually turn to your friends or mental health professionals and it’s much easier and more anonymous to just go there.

They are not driving boys and men to the manosphere — patriarchy is.

Predators like Andrew Tate (and many others) lure them in — but not by actually helping these boys and men in any way. They simply offer the scapegoating excuse that nothing is your fault — and it’s not the fault of late-stage capitalism either — it’s all the fault of women, and feminists in particular, for taking away your God-given right to be dominant and abusive to those you dominate (no such right actually exists).

Women pushing back against that is not the problem. Women wanting actual safety and equality is not the problem. They are not driving boys and men to the manosphere — patriarchy is. The social system that has constructed masculinity in such a narrow and competitive way that it drives insecurity and alienation in men is to blame. Acting like it’s somehow women’s fault that these guys get sucked into what is essentially a hate cult is completely and totally blaming the victim. And it’s unacceptable.

I’ve seen so much sympathy for incels in the past couple weeks that I really just want to scream. Yes, of course, all human beings deserve basic empathy but unlike women, who apparently bear responsibility for not getting themselves raped, and for making sure they are being paid fairly and taken seriously, these poor, lonely men bear no responsibility for their own lives at all and it’s totally understandable that they would hate women in a violent way …. At least that’s the basic sentiment I keep coming across.

Once again, the real culprit is patriarchy, for not only teaching these men that they are owed women and that it’s not right that they aren’t getting their “fair share”, but also for refusing to help or support them in any meaningful and healthy way. If masculinity is constructed so that men are always supposed to be tough and in control, never vulnerable, never insecure, then that leaves little assistance for guys who are having a hard time.

The American Psychological Association’s new Guidelines for Psychological Practice With Boys and Men seeks to to recognize and address these problems.

Thirteen years in the making, they draw on more than 40 years of research showing that traditional masculinity is psychologically harmful and that socializing boys to suppress their emotions causes damage that echoes both inwardly and outwardly.

“Though men benefit from patriarchy, they are also impinged upon by patriarchy,” says Ronald F. Levant, EdD, a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Akron and co-editor of the APA volume “The Psychology of Men and Masculinities.” Levant was APA president in 2005 when the guideline-drafting process began and was instrumental in securing funding and support to get the process started. (source)

Pushing back against misogyny is not out of line. It’s not hateful or misandric and I really hate seeing guys who seem like decent people buying into this mindset. You are not just an individual (one, not you personally), you are a part of the culture, and help to co-create it — in many cases by allowing it to continue as it dysfunctionally is without confronting the dysfunction — which is exactly what allows it to continue on.

As Eli Wiesel famously said, “Silence always helps the oppressor, never the oppressed.” So, “I haven’t done anything” really doesn’t cut it. In fact, it’s a huge part of the problem. Pervasive violence and ongoing blatant discrimination against women isn’t being done by monsters or aliens, it’s being done by your friends, neighbors, co-workers, clergy, fathers, brothers, uncles, etc. And it’s not out of line for women to point that out -because unless we actually talk about how a dynamic perpetuates, we don’t have any hope of changing it.

So, blaming women for driving men to the manosphere is essentially like blaming Black people for driving whites to the Proud Boys or the KKK. There are no doubt individual women out there who really do hate men, but overwhelmingly women don’t — they are just exhausted at being continually told that wanting to be treated fairly by an androcentric culture is a problem and that talking about the ways that an androcentric culture harms them is hateful to men. I’d really like to see more men challenging that instead of reinforcing it because it inadvertently dismisses the very real pervasive issues that women (and men) are still facing and degrades the culture for us all.

© Copyright Elle Beau 2023