No Tossing Turkeys Out of Airplanes
And other very important laws that you should consider following
A few years ago, I arrived home from work and pulled into the driveway, then smashed the brake pedal into next Tuesday. What the?! A ginormous and quite dead turkey lay in the middle of the driveway, as if it had a coronary midflight and serendipitously landed on our small scrap of concrete.
After my husband came home and we gave the wayward bird a proper memorial service, I mulled over this strange event for days, finally concluding that we must have done something to offend one of the neighbors. He or she, blinded by rage, then decided to leave a turkey in the driveway as a warning. Sort of like a poultry version of the severed horse head in The Godfather. Eek!
Despite my husband’s skepticism, I’ve stood by this theory for years. (And been ultra courteous to the neighbors!)
But the other day, I came across a news story about a now-defunct festival in Yellville, Arkansas (where I do not live, for the record) that involved throwing live turkeys out of airplanes. Did someone catch wind of this barbaric tradition and decide to try it in our neck of the woods? Perhaps the Great Dead Turkey Caper can finally be laid to rest.
If you’re considering stuffing your private plane with gobbling birds to rain down upon your enemies, though, be advised that it is now illegal to do so (at least in Arkansas).
Here are some other very serious and important laws that you should consider following.
- In Delaware, it’s illegal to whisper in church. Luckily, most churches are still locked up tight, so your risk of facing arrest should be pretty low.
- In Georgia (Gainesville, to be exact), citizens and visitors must eat fried chicken with their hands. It is unlawful to use a knife and fork like some swanky blueblood.
- In Pennsylvania, it’s against the law to feed your cat or dog less than two times per day.
- Alaska has outlawed waking a sleeping bear in order to take its picture. (Which leaves me wondering whether you can wake a bear for other purposes, like maybe to snuggle or share a jar of honey?)
- New Jersey has laws against both murdering someone while wearing a bulletproof vest and slurping your soup.
- In Florida, it is against the law to sing in a public place while wearing a swimsuit. There goes my dream of performing Hamilton to a packed Waffle House crowd in nothing but a sexy Victorian-era swim dress.
- Connecticut pickles must bounce when dropped from a height of one foot. I can get on board with this one as I too take the bounciness of pickles very seriously.
- Thou shalt not nod off in a cheese factory in South Dakota. Too bad. That seems like a fantastic place to catch some Zs.
- In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon.
- No pillow fights in Germany! Under the law, pillows are considered “passive weapons” and striking someone with a fluffy bag of feathers could leave you with an assault charge.
- At Trinity College in Ireland, it is illegal for students to stroll the grounds without carrying a sword. (I’m thinking this one isn’t heavily enforced.)
- If you’re challenged to a fistfight to the death while in Norway, you must either accept or pay a coward’s fee of four deer.
- In Victoria, Australia, it is unlawful to wear pink hot pants on Sunday afternoons.
- In Indonesia, you are breaking the law if you fail to flush a toilet after using it.
- And in Denmark, it’s illegal to wear a mask in public. Huh. I’m thinking they may have repealed this one by now…
More silly statutes:
