No Toilet Paper On Aisle 20? Beat The System.
A workaround for the troubling shortages that started with the COVID-19 pandemic.
In response to the pandemic formerly known as The Corona Virus, now called COVID-19, consumers are hoarding products.
The Things Being Hoarded Make No Sense These are the items that were gone completely from stores when I went shopping yesterday. This list speaks volumes.
- Toilet paper
- Any paper products that MIGHT work as toilet paper substitute
- Red meat
- Plastic Bags
- Water
- Ice cream
- Butter
- Sugar
Oddly, coffee was fully stocked as were many of the items I would expect to go first during actual crisis.
Things like dry foods with long shelf lives should be selling out — if it is really crisis preparation that we are panic-buying for.
Nope. People are filling up their refrigerators with red meat and butter because we are greasy, gross, greedy beasts-in general. No wonder they also bought all the toilet paper.
Really?
It has to be a prank. There is no way we are so easily manipulated to actually buy out all the toilet paper in the country, right? What are we? A bunch of easily agitated beings? A species of heathens? What is with the weird list of products being hoarded?
There are many theories afloat in my circles of friends, and none of them justify the lack of certain products.
- This is a supply chain issue.
- This is a power in media issue.
- This is a greed issue.
- This is a supply and demand imbalance during unforeseen spikes issue.
- This is my neighborhood’s issue.
- This is a (Fictitious) Panic Magazines Best Selling Issue
Regardless of the reason for the emptying of shelves in stores everywhere we can all still manage in a decent way. People will need all that butter and all those steaks to justify the lifetime supply of toilet paper stored in their smug garages.
Toilet Paper Is Not The Only Way To Handle Things.
Being unable to purchase toilet paper is annoying, but it’s not a problem without a solution. Here’s how I “beat the system” and the greedy crowds. It’s called a bidet. It is a fancy French toilet thing.
For anyone who is baffled at the word bidet, here is the definition as my cell phone dictionary presented it.
Bidet -a low oval basin used for washing one’s genital and anal area.
The modern version
The modern version of a bidet is a simple yet fancy toilet seat attachment. It is like a shower for your butt. Seriously.
It is like a shower for your butt.
They come with all kinds of embarrassing upgrades. Not kidding. They have seat warmers, blow dryers, and freaking varying water temperatures. I know the subject is not the sexiest topic… but if you have never experienced the cleanliness of a bidet for personal care — you have not fully lived.
Imagine the sales pitch for an item meant solely to replace your toilet paper.
🧻❌ 🧻❌ 🧻❌ 🧻❌ 🧻
Imaginary Commercial:
It washes and shines butts of all sizes! It doesn’t stop there, my friend. You will get pampered like royalty before you stand up by a warm rinse, and a blow dry- so you can step away from the toilet in style.
You don’t need that two-ply-forest-demolishing-toilet-paper! No way, my friend.
Just get a b̶u̶t̶t̶ w̶a̶s̶h̶e̶r̶ .. err bidet.
🧻❌ 🧻❌ 🧻❌ 🧻❌ 🧻
For a realistic way to approach this and to help prevent the spread of COVID-19 check out what the Center For Disease Control recommends here:
It might be a while before we get back to normal.
We may indeed be forced to endure more of the same goofy consumer response to what is now being called a pandemic.
It will be ok, eventually.
In the meantime, it is important to find something to laugh about in all of the chaos. It brings me great joy that I do not need the two-ply solution for my bathroom experience.
Cheers.