No One Ever Mentions The Adoptive Parents in Reunification Stories

It’s like our feelings aren’t important

Adoption is a beautiful thing. My desire to adopt began when I read the book, “The Family Nobody Wanted,” in the 7th grade. The Doss family adopted 12 children from a variety of backgrounds. Their story made a big impression on me. Even during my single years, I had adoption on the back of my mind. It was just something that I planned to do one day.

I married my husband in 1992 and it wasn’t long before we realized that we would not be able to have biological children. We immediately began to investigate adoption. It wasn’t easy to adopt, especially back in the 90s. There weren’t so many websites on the internet to guide you. I read as much as I could and took adoption classes from the State of Georgia so we could adopt through the foster care program. But my sister had told me about an adoption agency she had heard about after they spoke to her church congregation. Because of the information she provided, we decided on the Covenant Care Adoption Agency in Macon, GA. I don’t mind sharing their name because they are still in existence and going strong.

There was a long wait. It was four years before we heard from them with the news that we had a baby boy. I’ll never forget walking into my principal’s office twenty-seven years ago and proudly telling her I needed maternity leave. She got out her calendar and pen and asked me when. “Tomorrow!” I replied. She still brings up that day when she sees me! It’s not easy to find a long-term substitute.

Seven years after my husband and I adopted our oldest, we got another call from the agency. Our son now had a brother. We ecstatically made plans, and this time, my principal wasn’t so surprised.

Both of our boys are Hispanic, and we are white, so we couldn’t have hidden the fact that they were adopted if we wanted to. We didn’t. We told them that they were adopted from the very beginning. It’s something that they heard all of their life. Our oldest son showed some curiosity about his biological parents. We had very little information on them since it was a closed adoption. But he was turned off by what he heard, and ever since, he gets angry if I bring up the possibility of looking for his biological family.

Our youngest son was a different story altogether. He wanted to know his biological family at a young age. I knew his bio-mother’s name but nothing else. I didn’t know where she lived or what she did. I did know that she had some serious issues in her life, and there was no way I would let our son be involved with her. I admit that I was also jealous. In my mind, he was my baby, and no one else would claim him. I also spoke with a co-worker who had given up a child when she was a teenager, and she advised me against the connection while he was still young. She told me that if she had known where her child was, she would have gone and gotten her. That scared me!

Fortunately, I did as much research as I could and discovered that it was beneficial to be honest with adopted kids about their biological parents. I answered my son’s questions whenever they came up and told him I would turn over all the information I had when he turned 18 and had graduated from high school. I kept my promise, and fortunately, I was able to contact his bio-mom twenty-four hours later. I had been following someone with her name on Facebook for years. I didn’t know if it was really her, but it turned out it was.

My son immediately spent hours on the phone with her every day. I thought that I would be jealous of his new relationship but to my relief, I wasn’t. I had finally matured to the point in my life that I realized that my relationship with my son was completely different and separate from the one he was forming with his biological mother. If anything, it was his girlfriend who was jealous because he spent most of his free time talking to his mother.

If anything, I was sad for his other mother. She missed so much by having to give him up. Because she didn’t know him well, she had to figure out how to form a relationship with him. It didn’t help either one of us that our son was going through some serious growing pains, and he wasn’t interested in hearing anyone’s advice. Right now, he’s not interested in spending time with either one of us. Meanwhile, he’s out there in the world sowing his wild oats.

Someday, I hope that we two mothers will connect with each other and be friends. I’m not sure we will ever get there but I’m willing to try.

If you are an adoptive mother and your child wants to find their biological parents, please be at ease. The connection and relationship that you have with your child is completely different from the one they have with you. They can’t and don’t want to take your place!

I do wish that when we hear about these glorious adoption reunification stories, consideration is given to adoptive parents. It’s not out with the old. It’s a combination of relationships!