No One Can Read Your Mind

4 ways to keep assumptions from ruining relationships

I’m an unabashed fan of advice columns.

Just about every publication I subscribe to features one, and I lap up every single word.

There’s a lot of comfort in knowing others face similar struggles, and intrepid advice-givers and their faithful followers offer some great tips.

One complaint that appears with startling regularity is the mind-reading failure.

Ever had a partner who shrugs when asked what they want to watch on television then sulks when you vote for Netflix over basketball?

Or been baffled by a loved one who says they want to spend a lazy day relaxing but complains about being bored when offered a bagel, cup of coffee, and half the Sunday newspaper?

Where do these unspoken expectations come from?

They’re especially prevalent in romantic relationships. Intuiting our every thought, desire and disappointment is now a requirement for soulmate status.

Expecting a partner to know what bothers you without telling them reflects anxiety and a fear of being neglected, said Baylor University, Professor Keith Sanford.

“You’re worried about how much your partner loves you, and that’s associated with neglect. You feel sad, hurt, and vulnerable,” Sanford said.

Unspoken assumptions can crop up anywhere.

Have you ever reported to a boss who delegates without giving direction, then explodes at a less-than-satisfactory result? He mistakenly assumes there’s an office hive mind and that the entire team is in alignment about expectations.

Know a hardworking mom who says she’ll love any birthday present her kids choose and then nurses hurt feelings after getting an “impersonal” gift card? She doesn’t realize how much they appreciate her and that they hope she’ll use the gift card to splurge on a special indulgence.

The danger in making assumptions

Humans have over 6,000 thoughts every day. No matter how long you’ve known someone, they can’t possibly know what you’re thinking. When you resent their failure to read your mind, it can crater your relationship.

Someone with unspoken expectations who believes you should “just know” why they’re upset often becomes combative or punishes you with the silent treatment.

Others turn passive-aggressive. Ask if something’s wrong, and they’ll say, “Nothing,” accompanied by a heavy sigh or some serious side-eye.

Conflicts resulting from unexpressed assumptions lead to negative communication and anger, Sanford said. Eventually, this can devolve to where you’re fighting about fighting rather than whatever started the argument.

Getting to the heart of the matter

Everyone wants to feel understood, but none of us are telepathic. Here are four moves you can make to strengthen your connections.

Stop collecting grievances. If you’re still simmering over a forgotten anniversary, don’t spend the days ahead of the next one making snide asides about being disappointed again. Drop the snark and let it go. When you’re determined to be aggrieved, you’ll find justification everywhere.

Don’t assume the worst. If you know your friend is compassionate and kind, use that as a framework for understanding why she hasn’t answered your texts. Instead of assuming she ghosted you, consider whether she’s swamped with work, caring for a sick parent, or struggling with homeschooling. Research shows that people who give others the benefit of the doubt are happier and more satisfied with their relationships.

Ask for what you want. Openly expressing your desires feels scary. You worry about being vulnerable and fear being rejected. In fact, sharing how you feel signals you value and trust someone. Research shows that fears about opening up are often misguided and may cause missed opportunities for genuine connection. So don’t drop hints or rely on vague allusions to wanting “a nice, romantic time.” Brainstorm with your partner to plan an amorous evening you’ll both enjoy.

Express appreciation. “Thank you,” is one of the most important things you can say, and it benefits both you and your partner. Researchers at UC Berkeley say, “Expressing gratitude simultaneously makes your partner feel valued and — with very little effort — clarifies that you are worth their investment.”

Also, every time you show appreciation for your partner’s efforts, it increases the likelihood that you’ll get more of the same.