Healing
No More Walking on Eggshells
Embracing new freedom
My father was larger than life. Unfortunately, this included his emotions. When he was happy, it was rainbows and unicorns. But when he was upset it was…well, it wasn’t good.
Growing up, I could sense the mood when he came home. A playful voice told my body I could relax. A slamming door meant it was time to perform.
By perform I mean, contort emotionally to please him.
I learned early on that if he found me funny, I could de-escalate his anger.
Many a day, my impromptu comedy routine would do the trick, morphing the tiger into a kitten.
But there were times when my humor just wasn’t enough. And I internalized his wrath. If my young psyche could have articulated then, it would have said something like:
“You are responsible for his behavior.”
The Abuse Cycle
One of the hallmarks of abuse is its cyclical nature. It often has a distinctive pattern of kindness and cruelty, insults peppered with praise.
If the victim of abuse is empathic, they will take the abuser’s behavior personally, internalizing the messages as validation that they are somehow “bad” or not deserving.
No longer trusting their inner compass, the victim will try to control the external world to please or mollify their abuser.
My father praised me. He regularly told me I was talented and beautiful. But he also said things about me that were cruel…too cruel to write here. After his verbal storms he’d say things like:
🚩 You know I didn’t mean it. Don’t be so sensitive.
🚩 Don’t take everything so personally.
🚩 I didn’t say that.
🚩 You know how I get when I’m fill-in-the-blank
No Longer Walking on Eggshells
Age was a blessing to my father. His cycle of highs and lows became much less severe. When he was diagnosed with prostate cancer, I could see a fearful softness emerge. Our roles had shifted: no longer was I the little girl hoping to please him; he was now aware of his mortality and suddenly grateful for any time I could give him.
Towards the end of his life, he would periodically ask me, “You had a good childhood, right? I was good to you.”
The question felt like an emotional noose.
Abusers can dish it but can’t take it. How to answer honestly without destroying his frail ego?
Ultimately, I think he did the best he could, considering his own dysfunctional childhood and the lack of support to get help.
Towards the end of his life, I learned to love him without needing him to change. It was a sad acceptance, a love of emotional bruises that with time have felt less painful.
My father loved me as much as it is possible to love someone when you don’t like yourself.
When you’ve been abused, the road to self-worth and self-love is possible. But you have to want it. You have to choose the unchartered path.
Self-love looks like not giving a shit if there are emotional eggshells on the way.
The moment you are feeling like you have to contort yourself to please another, you are walking on eggshells.
When we look for self-worth externally, we give our power away.
Each of us arrives on earth with an inner compass. If we are biting our tongue to share what we think or changing our behavior to please another, we are walking on the fragile egos of another.
If we don’t address the eggshell walking, we are likely to bring this into future relationships. The form of the relationship may change, but the pattern is still there.
Writing this piece is in itself a form of cracking eggshells. It’s speaking out against abuse, acknowledging the pain and — I hope — inspiring the voiceless to find their voice.
When we choose to crack those figurative eggshells, we start the journey to healing and self-empowerment.
A shoutout to Patricia Pixie❤ for her helpful piece on cultivating spiritual wellness and self-care.
