No Matter How Good a Person You Are

You’re the asshole in someone else’s story

I came across that expression a couple of days ago. It’s so powerfully worded and full of insight that I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to write a piece revolving around it.

Not only that — it struck a chord with me. Much to my chagrin, the words perfectly captured an experience I had just a few months back.

Yes, I was the asshole of someone else’s story.

I thought the two of us had a good relationship. In the three or four months since we met, we got along quite well. We seemed to both “get” and appreciate each other.

That was until that December afternoon when I received the nastiest email from her. I could not believe the venomous words I was reading.

It was nothing short of a full-scale character assassination!

Among other things, she accused me of coming across to her like a know-it-all kind of guy — dismissive of all her input, despite her more extensive experience in the matter at hand.

Her comments really stung, as I always do my best to be as considerate to others as possible. If anything, I go overboard in expressing my appreciation.

I figured there had to be some misunderstanding, so I politely reached out to her, asking her to clarify what she was referring to. Her response was more or less “eff you” with the implied message, “you’re not worthy of my spending the time or energy to bother to explain.”

What the f*ck!

There was nothing more I could do.

For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what went wrong. It wasn’t for lack of effort — I exhausted my imagination attempting to come up with what I might have done that offended her so.

I couldn’t come up with anything that could even remotely merit being so viciously attacked.

I’m a good judge of character, and my gut feeling says that overall this person is kind and well-intentioned. Not only that, I know many others who view her in that way.

This led me to only one conclusion:

Even fundamentally nice people can sometimes be “off the charts” cruel to others.

I’m doing my best to no longer ruminate on the incident.

It tortures me each and every time I do so. That’s because my instinct is to presume I must have done something wrong anytime someone has a problem with me. It’s an old habit of mine, stemming from my childhood.

I deserve better than that — thank god that self-belief is starting to sink in.

What I can do is explore the life lessons I can take away from the incident. I can’t fix it, but I can choose to learn something of value.

Why I Became the Asshole In This Person’s Story

It’s because of the power of triggers.

I’d bet my bottom dollar there was something in what I said or did that triggered her to react in a manner inconsistent with her fundamental kind nature.

Here are a few statements about triggers.

As per an article from healthline.com:

• Triggers are anything that might cause a person to recall a traumatic experience they’ve had.
• In mental health terms, a trigger refers to something that affects your emotional state, often significantly, by causing extreme distress.
• A trigger affects your ability to remain present at the moment. It may bring up specific thought patterns or influence your behavior.

As per this article from Verywell Mind.

Feeling triggered isn’t just about something rubbing you the wrong way. For someone with a history of trauma, being around anything that reminds them of a traumatic experience (also known as a “trigger”) can make them feel like they’re experiencing the trauma all over again.

It’s only common sense that when people feel overwhelmed with emotion from re-experiencing past trauma, they will react in ways that are at the very least unhelpful. And at the very worst, cruel and insensitive — whether to others, to themselves, or both.

How People React to Being Triggered

There are many ways, none of which are helpful.

When I’m triggered, I tend to bury myself with self-criticism.

It started back when I was a little boy who was viciously teased by my friends for talking unclearly, I was convinced there was something very wrong with me, or otherwise, why else would they be treating me as they were.

I carried that belief system into my adulthood — that anytime anybody is displeased with me, I must have said or done something wrong.

That is why I so easily fell into ruminating on the incident, presuming I must have screwed up in some way, rather than being kind to myself by seeking to find the truth in the situation.

Which in this case was — there was no effing way I did anything to deserve such unkindness.

Then there are people who, when triggered, attack others.

That’s typically a defense mechanism to protect themselves from the illusion of danger. In reality, there is no present danger — their fear is purely a reaction to unresolved past trauma.

I believe that was the case with the person who attacked me.

Thus we were both triggered, albeit in different ways.

• There was something in what I did or said that triggered her to treat me cruelly.
• Her harsh words triggered me to fall back into my default mode of beating myself up when attacked.

I became the asshole of her story.

Making matters even worse — I became the asshole of my own.

Here is What I’m Doing to Treat Myself Kindly

I can’t control anybody else’s story. Heck, I can’t even edit a word of it or correct a misplaced comma.

I can learn to control mine, as I’m the one and only author.

Continuing to rehash the situation ad nauseam via my internal dialog, trying to make sense of it all and what my role might have been, only causes me suffering.

The only wise course of action is to let go.

The way I learn to let go is to change the lens from which I view it.

Rather than viewing the situation through the lens of my past trauma, I’m doing my best to view it through a self-loving lens — one that seeks to find the truth in what transpired rather than taking the self-blame and shame route.

That is what will enable me to let go once and for all.

One huge part of that truth is:

I made a sincere effort to be open to what I may have done wrong by reaching out for clarification. Unfortunately, I was shot down.

My Wish For You and I

We all make mistakes on occasion — sometimes big ones.

That comes along with the territory of being human.

It never warrants being the asshole of anybody’s story.

When others treat us as if we’re the asshole of theirs, my wish is for us to recognize the person is distorting reality, as if they were viewing our role in their life through a clown house mirror.

They are unable to see things for what they are because their unresolved trauma gets in the way, causing them to overreact. They are unwilling to do the introspective work. Instead, they take the easy way out, which is blaming and often lashing out at others.

There can be a myriad of reasons they make you the asshole of their story, none of them having the slightest to do with you.

Do yourself a favor — don’t waste your time trying to figure out what the reason is. You can’t get inside other people’s heads. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Most importantly, keep in mind:

We are the sole authors of our stories

That story is far more important than the role others assign us in theirs.

Please be most kind to yourself in your story, as you deserve nothing but self-love — especially when others are attacking you because of their unresolved issues.

Wishing you well,

Art

A giant shoutout goes to my friend Ann van der Giessen, for the article below. It is beautifully and authentically written. I have no doubt it will touch your heart as it touched mine.

Please consider giving it a read to support a fellow writer who puts all of herself into her words.

Ann’s article is about how she handles triggers bravely and with self-love. Well done, Ann. Thanks for setting a glowing example for us all.