Mental Health

No Longer Waiting for Rain

Learning to be present without fixating on the future

I have had some recent mental health breakthroughs which have brought about peace in ways that I haven’t yet experienced. I have been trying to stay grounded and accepting of this newfound peace. To me, it would make sense that reveling in this peace should be easy, but that’s not always the case.

I have the unfortunate necessity of fixating on the horizon as I understand that the familiar, brutal storms of life will be coming back around once again. I don’t want to live that way anymore, and I am trying to learn how to close my eyes and allow the sun to bring warmth and new life to such a weary soul.

C-PTSD

C-PTSD has taught me to be hypervigilant at all times. It has allowed me to have persistent negative thoughts about myself. It has provided me the opportunity for intrusive thoughts and memories of the past to be a cancerous part of my existence. I have learned not to trust my environment or the people in it. I am familiar with anger and irritability on a scale that many will never experience. Guilt and shame have become cornerstone beliefs for me over the years. It has allowed me to be completely unable to regulate my emotions and sleep cycle without medication assistance. It has allowed me to lose a lifelong faith, and it has gently covered me in the weighted blanket of despair and hopelessness.

I do not wish these wretched gifts on anyone else, and I wish I could return them to customer services as soon as I get them, but that hasn’t been afforded to me. I am finally coming to a place in life where I am being able to ground myself and recognize when I am triggered on a small scale instead of understanding them after a fight episode that was offered to me free by my amygdala. The process is slow, but it is becoming rewarding, and I am trying to stay connected to this progress.

I carry the weight of labels, diagnoses, and stories of which I wish I could forget. My past 12 months have been defined by the impossible-to-carry burdens of stark survival mode. I have been stuck in a cycle of trying to breathe underwater while trying to ascend from the deepest parts of the ocean that is my mind. Yet, the storms of life have finally pushed me towards the shore, and I was offered safety, love, and peace by someone who held my lifeline for much longer than I understood.

Always Ready

I find myself preparing for the worst at every turn. Even in the most innocent situations, I make sure I have a plan if things go egregiously wrong. I am poised and ready for action, and my body is on high alert. I know I can fight if need be, but I don’t want to feel like that anymore.

The tides have turned for me, and I have been offered shelter. My brain has stopped over-firing and sending me warning signals for the time being, and I am trying to soak in every aspect of those moments. Anxiety is still a best friend that I have a love-hate relationship with, but they have gone on a temporary vacation, so I am trying to take full advantage of this opportunity.

It is odd to come to a place in life where you understand you are allowed to be loved, cared for, and to have your needs met. Yet, when you didn’t have these things growing up, it makes all the sense in the world. It just took me 35 years to understand these concepts, but I suppose there’s no time like the present. I hope to breathe freely and experience that love and peace daily without the gale force winds of self-doubt overtaking my mind.

I am looking forward to the days where I can always be ready to receive what my body, mind, and spirit need instead of constantly fighting for my life.

Weathered and Hopeful

I’ve lived the past 20 years of my life buried in hopelessness. My brain has been riddled with depression, confusion, anxiety, and enough chemical imbalances to create a small galaxy. However, I am finally finding a reprieve. I am feeling new emotions tied to hope, and they are ones I haven’t felt in my lifetime. I feel unsure about learning how to trust these new emotions when I have been unable to trust my own emotions in the past. I am fully aware of the damage and pain that I’ve caused others while I was in the middle of believing I was justified in feeling the ways that I did.

Not only do I have to learn how to trust others, the world, and my surroundings, but I have to learn how to give myself grace, self-love, and the space to grow. I feel as if my mind, body, and soul have only ever found shelter in the storms and always understood proper safety to be a threat to my existence. My entire being is awakening from being paralyzed for decades.

I will forever carry my experiences, thoughts, feelings, and neural pathways. However, now I know I can create and experience healthy versions of all those things. C-PTSD, ADHD, and Post-Concussion Syndrome have wreaked havoc on every part of who I am. Yet, I am owning those things and creating a new version of myself to allow for peace to reign supreme in my mind.

I am putting down roots in the present and I am choosing to remain here without being carried off by the floods of anxiety found within the expectations of future storms.

I know the rain is coming, but I finally found the will to no longer accept drowning as a defining aspect of my existence.